two for one

2 blogs today. and 2 paintings in this one.

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i've been a little down lately...a combination of winter blues, lingering grief, quarter (or maybe mid) life crises, having a hard time finding a job now that i'm allowed to work again and just plain old faulty wiring somewhere in my system. and since it's still a couple of months till spring, i decided i needed a bit of spring (complete with red poppies, trellises, ladders and colors that represent hope to me.)

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...and i needed to uncoil and go with the flow
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so i painted these, i baked some yummy coconut cookies, i joined a yoga class at my local gym (i am all zenned out now and looking forward to my next class) and i handed in a volunteer application at my local library.
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although i don't know much about the dewey decimal system, i'm sure my love for books and reading will pull me through. i'll get to bask in the shear joy of being among hundreds of books and maybe i'll get to read stories and put a smile or two on a few faces.
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my next plan is to start a knitting club (or maybe a craft club including things like painting and cooking, etc.) with a group of women i am proud to call my friends.
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like with the too stiff scarf, i decided i could either sit in a sad heap and eat myself into a sugar induced coma while worrying about the future, OR i could get up and find joy, even though it is below zero outside with no sun or green in sight and i'm half crazy with all the thoughts running around in my head and i'm broke. i will make it my goal to find a bit of joy in each day.
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(C) Art, MJ Calitz, 2011

knit 1

Okay. so this was the first thing i knitted when i picked up the skill again last year. i wanted to knit a scarf, but my knitting needles were too thin and i put on too many stitches. this resulted in a scarf that was too stiff and too broad.
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i had two choices
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(1) pull everything out and start over (which also involves steaming the wool to get out all the kinks. i remember helping my mom with that when i was a child. after she steamed it, she would hook the skeins of wool over my arms and roll it into balls, ready to be knitted with again. there was really no skill to this other than holding my arms out in front of me and dipping to each side as she pulls the string over my hands.)
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or (2) i could embrace the error and make something else with it. for some reason (and even though i consider knitted wall hangings very kitsch and old fashioned) it wanted to be a wall hanging, complete with flowers and lace and fringe. so that is what i did.
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because of it's length, i couldn't get a very clear picture of the whole finished product, so i took close-ups of the most important parts and added the last picture for you just to get an idea. the wall hanging now hangs on the side of an antique satinwood closet. unfortunately i couldn't take the picture of it hanging there because it's a bit of a dark corner. so please excuse the bits and pieces and the very boring looking last pic.
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(the hanger cover was crocheted by my mother. i've used this hanger since childhood.)
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2010

silence & noise

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i have no words
that want to speak
except, my dear,
please see the light
aNd the curls

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"drip, blow, drag in pink camouflage." or, "drops of blood and other chaotic thoughts." acrylics on 14 x 18 canvas. (click on image to see larger)
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(C) photographs & art MJ Calitz, 2010

miss you

i painted & wrote these a while ago. i just haven't posted it yet. the plan was to do it on my brothers birthday, the 17th of December, but i couldn't. so here it is now.
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your mathematical philosophical mind
your race car driver heart
your soft woolly sweater comfort
your goofy love for life grin
your never ending patience fueled by love
your enthusiasm contagious
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you spread inspiration like fRagrant fLower seeds
“go for it.” “don’t be scared.” “i believe in you.”
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you
you
yOu
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brotherfloweR pluCked form my garden
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i’m going to miss everything about you…
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here's what we did do. i asked a family member to buy my sister in law a rose bush to enjoy on her patio in honor of my brother. the rose is YELLOW and carries my brothers name. she in turn asked me to donate the cost of the rose & pot to charity here and we bought a bunch of toys and donated it to a local christmas toy drive...turning a sad day into a celebration of BEAUTY and JOY.

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(C) Art & poetry, MJ Calitz, 2010

knitted

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i knitted these scarves as christmas presents for friends, each one a reflection of their likes and personalities. the hot pink one is my favorite.

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2010

blessed be

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i haven't been very active here lately. i promise i'll try to do better next year. but for now i wish you

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gingerbread men. holy & mistletoe
family & friends. safe travels
christmas music & christmas lights
gifts under the christmas trees
love & peace. stay warm if you're cold
and a very merry christmas!
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2010

find your inner buddah

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sit quiet and breathe
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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, Tinkertown Museum, New Mexico, 2010

puppets, green cards & mermaids

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gLue me a doLLS head with fLoweRs on toP. maKe it pRetty. doN't sTop...waiT. scratch tHat. tell mE the tRutH. wHere does kaRma & deStinY stop aNd wheRe do i begiN?
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life is happening so fast around me that i can't seem to keep up long enough to give you an update. or maybe i'm just trying to find my balance long enough to not fall over again.
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so here's a few snippets. i got my employment authorization card. then i got my social security number and possibly a job. then our green cards arrived in the mail within 2 (TWO!) days of finding out it was approved. then it was celebration dinners & thanksgiving and finding out details of my brothers death and trying to be sensitive to other people's journeys and heart aches and deciding when to visit my family (which i would have gone yeSterday if it was up to me, but it's not all up to me and apparently money does NOT grow on limbs) and the christmas lights need to be put up and the laundry needs to be done. and i'm working on two paintings at the same time.
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in the mean time, i'm struggling with existential questions and fears floating in and out of my body uninvited and bouts of crying (equally uninvited) while winter is creeping closer and people are eating and watching tv. i'm also knitting (but that's a state secret until christmas).
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so, here i am. scratching over a picture and writing what appears in my head. i'm afraid i'm half running on auto pilot and trying my very best to catch up (if that's even possible). like i said...puppet.
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i just finished this book and loved it: "the mermaid chair" by sue monk kidd
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2010

new orleans decay

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(C) Photographs, MJ Calitz, 2010

stop pushing

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this year has been too long and i feel like i've been stretched too much. pushed. grow. pushed. grow. sometimes i want to say to the universe, "don't be so fricking rude and give me a chance to dust off my knees." some days i feel good and strong. and some days i melt into a puddle of sadness and pain and anxiety. on top of that, i'm used to dipping my toe into this swimming pool of possibilities and suddenly there's a whole ocean trying to swallow me and it scares the shit out of me. it brings me crashing down sometimes. it's not that i don't have faith. it's that i'm just so tired. stretched. worn thin. aching. overflowing. i think it's time to visit a therapist.

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ya gotta know when to ask for help.
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mj

n.e.s.t.

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nest. to crawl inside
and hide
blanket. i am raw
and naked. cover my insides
my mind. beats like a terrified bird
wings flutter. pressure
climbs my throat
fear. push. push it down. but
it streams. like tears down my face
i can’t. i. can’t. i
help me
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2010

peanut butter sandwich wisdom

here i am, eating
(inhaling)
suNshine
in a peanut butter sandwich
and a pear, my nose pressed
to the sweet and ripe and yellow
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it’s not that i need sunshine
it’s that i need to fill a hoLe bigger than death
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like when you realize you have surrounded yourself with people and still find yourself alone
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or when you chew on a 2 day old conversation with your mother who simply insisted that time should not be wasted and still find yourself hungry. huNgry and guiLty
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and suddenly peanut butter makes you feel reaL
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not so floating on a lonely surreal balloon
but here. eating sticky peanut butter
forget the calories
i’m talking spoons full,
even before the toast is done
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somehow you can’t feel hollow
after eating peanut butter
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and then she said
i told someone you were my best friend
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and then he said
i move when i move and i stand still
when i stand still
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and i realize
life and fruit and grief and friends
have their own rhythm
and it’s oKay
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2010

where angels go to grieve

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(C) Photographs & photo art, MJ Calitz, 2010

bird inside

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mixed media (including papers, acrylic paints and graphite pencil) on 16 x 20 inch canvas.
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words on the bottom of the canvas:

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you died
winter came
i'm a bird inside
a cage
not sure if i want to
speed up time
or turn it back
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(C) Art & Poem, MJ Calitz, 2010

to the universe. and myself

god, universe, Life
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by taking away a human being tangled up in me, there since the day i was born. my safety net. my blood. my brother. you have cut me. left a hole

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Life,
how you injure. and heal
give sorrow. and joy
ability. and fear
and fear of fear
and death, as a matter of time
unfathomable
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why must we suffer such loss and despair
such insecurities
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to grow
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i LOATHE you
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i love
you
me
YOU
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Life, i am trapped in your belly
i run in your belly
hide in your belly
ache in you belly
negotiating your digestive system
and your plans, of which i know nothing
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i am too small
i understand nothing
i understand everything
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i am scared
?how can i say “this is what i fear”
because,
what if you use it against me?
oh Life, how you torture me
it is not my fault. i am guilty
?what if i fail to conquer
or don’t measure up?
i am powerless
i am...you?
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how is it fair to throw us into this dark pool of life without the knowledge of how to save ourselves? “SWIM!” you say when we are not ready

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how is this love?
how is this noT love?
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and none of this makes life
(or death)
any easier or less painful
it just makes it…LIFE
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2010

more than 30 years ago

sadness

for those of you who don't know, my brother died thursday morning in a car accident. i don't have any fancy words or pretty pictures for you today. just my sadness and the hole in my heart.

yellow

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the sun was hot and yellow and the shadows were lace filigree clinging to the walls. maybe i'm clinging to you in the same way. feeling both vulnerable and ancient. lingering and restless. trapped in your paint and walls.

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2010. picture taken at the french quarters in New Orleans.

galaxies apart and back again

sometimes you catch an image so magical that it takes your breath away. this is probably one of my favorite pictures of the whole vacation. i call it the "starry horse dream scape."
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hi, i'm back.
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i have taken a two month long nap in blog world, but not in real life. my in laws have come and gone (after a 6 week visit). i've seen more in our month long road trip than the average american probably see in a lifetime, including graceland, tinkertown and the french quarter. i ate more ribs than a hyena, climbed a mountain (seriously!) and held a baby alligator. i baked in the sun and froze in a cave, traveled 7 000 miles from home to the ocean to the desert and back, bought a cowgirl hat and a cow skull. i ate a 4 pound cinnamon bun (not on my own and not in one sitting), saw 300 000 bats fly out of a cave at sunset, and painted a pink graffiti heart on one of 10 cadillacs planted vertically in the ground in amarillo. i took a million pictures and walked a million steps...
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i relearned to knit again. this is an AWESOME stress release activity and something i have wanted to do again for a while. you will doubtlessly see some of my experiments here soon.
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and then i took a vacation for one in my bed with a book for a week each morning after my husband left for work. this week i'm returning to my normal fitness routine and i feel fresh and ready for creativity to flow.
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it's good to be back.
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ps. i'm excited to say that i might open an etsy shop soon...maybe (watch this space.)
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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2010

sunny side up

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turn your head to the sun
and grow grow grow
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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2010