say i am you

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filling my ears these days is the music from the cd "say i am you" by the weepies. these are my favorites:

• gotta have you
• world spins madly on
• painting by chagall
• not your year
• stars
• & slow pony home

okay, so it's half of the cd...haha. but this is the toe curling kind of music...the kind that makes you want to write poetry and bake cookies and kiss lovers. it comes complete with hand drawn pictures of birds and tea cups and stars. and this quote by rumi, which i instantly fell in love with and recognized as me:

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"both candle & the moth crazy around it
say who i am
say i am you"

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haPpY neW yeAr to aLL

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spring days...

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she dreams of spring days

she dreams of pretty shoes

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...& cinnamon rolls

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(fingers sticky

with cream cheese icing)

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she dreams of love

she dreams of you

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she dreams

she dreams

she dreams

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glitter blue butterflies

kiss her eyes

pluck her flower

tickle her toes

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plant little seeds of

hope

hope

hope

&

love

love

love

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plant little seeds of stars

in her soul

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of when it will be spring again

and butterflies will dance

on her heart

on her heart

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maybe...

on her heart

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(C) Copyright & collage MJ Calitz, 2008

package from home

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my mom send me a package for christmas. she knitted me a hat and a scarf for the cold winter days. i love my hat and scarf. thanks mom.

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my favorite christmas card this year says:

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the greatest gift...

is not found under the tree,

but in the warm smiles

and the loving words

of the people around us

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so this is me

wishing you

warm smiles

gingerbreadmen

fairylights & mistletoe

& loving words arms hearts

all season long

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merry christmas everyone!

be well & be loved

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puRple bubbLe

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water colors, oil pastels & glitter glue. MJ, 2008

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anniversary

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today is my 10th wedding anniversary. how time flies...

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i did not write a poem this year. so have this...a picture taken on our wedding day & last year's poem...

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(9 YEARS) SWIM DEEP
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today is the 9th anniversary of our wedding day
no flowers or bling or expensive dinner this year
we celebrate with pepsi & greasy fingers
and colonel saunders as our witness
i lick the crumbs from your mouth
remembering things going south and back again
i wonder why i still get shy
when you catch me doing something silly
you laugh and ask me. why
i hide behind you sometimes
later i try to write this poem
you hug me from behind
"do you know that i love you?"
of course, i say. how? you ask
because you buy me kentucky, i say
and because you said so. you smile
chocolate chip cake (compliments of the colonel),
a little comedy and "stealth" for desert
i scratch your back. you stretch my hip
we dive into oblivion. swim deep
deep blue's a good color for you, my love
your eyes speak. blue & sweet
i drown inside your kiss
we swim. deep and deeper
we come home
…remember this year. bittersweet
if i could take a picture of this day
this would be it.
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2007

china it is

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charLie **& *hiS *china *doll

took a bAth *in *china plates

they *weighed *their oPtions

thiS way &thAt. aNd decided

there's *nO place *like chinA

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, poem & photograph 2008.

sink or swim

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"Now then, Pooh," said Christopher Robin, "where's your boat?" "I ought to say," explained Pooh as they walked down the shore of the island, "that it isn't just an ordinary sort of boat. Sometimes it's a boat, and sometimes it's more of an accident. It all depends." "Depends on what?" "On whether i'm on the top of it or underneath it."

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soMetimEs i foRgeT to sWim

...oR even juSt float
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and on the subject of UNDERNEATH...

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"It's Piglet!" cried Pooh eagerly. "Where are you?" "Underneath," said Piglet in an underneath sort of way. "Underneath what?" "You," squeeked Piglet. "Get up!"

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(C) Painting: dual brush pen, watercolors and photo editing, MJ Calitz, 2008

greeN pig

(photograph taken summer 2008)

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this is pRobabLy one of the cooleSt pictures i've ever takeN. i call it "i love my shady pig"

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2008

playground fears

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Okay, so here's the thing, I hate to wait. always have. Some people say I'm impatient. But really I'm just (still) that scared little kid waiting by her suitcase for her mother who kept forgetting that school came out early at the end of each quarter. Watching the other boarding school kids leave with their parents (who remembered them!). even the teachers packing their cars. And me smiling fake-ly and pretending that everything was fine. "oh no, she'll be here any minute." while the fear grew inside of me that maybe, just maybe, she won't come this time…
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I forget how many times this happened. But it has left a scar on me that runs deeper than my conscious thought. It's pretty accurate to say that waiting freaks me out. It starts with the normal amount of concern, maybe a little irritation and then builds up into an explosive cocktail of fear, resentment, abandonment and anger that could probably annihilate a small town if I did explode. Irrational? Yes. Over reaction? Yes. But there it is.
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It has a name. Fear of abandonment.
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A couple of years back, one day I stood in the supermarket and got a panic attack when I suddenly realized that I lost the person I was with…or he "lost" me. He walked away because I took too long deciding on something as stupid as a new face cream or shampoo or something. I forget what it was. But I remember that I freaked out.

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SUPERMARK
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is jy al ooit teruggeruk na ‘n oomblik van seer
so intens dat jou brein stilhou
en jou asem stol?
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het jy al ooit ‘n rollercoaster van emosies gery
of in ‘n splitsekonde
twintig jaar van jou lewe vergeet?
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was jy al ooit dom van woede,
woedend van vrees
of paniekbevange van skrik?
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ek het vandag
in ‘n supermark vol mense
jou naam uitgeroep
omdat ek vir ‘n oomblik weer klein was
en jy was weg
soos ‘n sandkorrel op ‘n ander planeet
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this is how i feel sometimes
like a child lost in a supermarket
left behind…lost…scared & alone
so please forgive me
if i lash out like an injured animal
when you (intentionally or unintentionally)
forget me on the playground
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2006 & 2008. "angel butterfly" photo edit, MJ, 2008. i was an angel with tinsel halo (minus one front tooth) in the christmas play one year.

birdhouse angel rose

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"a rose by any other name is still a rose"...who said that? shakespeare, i think, and i may have misquoted it a little. but...

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to balance my first post of the day and refill your positive energy, i direct you to the website of the lovely Ana Toader a.k.a. harlequin. she who is pure light & porcelain teacups. who writes things such as "i've turned as surreal as an umbrella"…
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http://hiheelsharlequin.wordpress.com/

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float me a porcelain angel with scarlet hair twining vining lacing around my soul. she's a fLower too. but not a silly daisy like me. i sip her like delicate tea & bird wings liFting me

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ps. "vining" is not really a word..."to vine" / twine / creep / climb. i just like the sound of it...

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. photographs and edit, mj, 2008

fRuStrated fLoweR

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f.r.u.s.t.r.a.t.i.o.n

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just the other day i wrote about e.n.e.r.g.y (what we send into the universe) & flowers send to kiss sad lovers…yesterday i disregarded all of that. oh, believe me, i tried. i tried to be love. and zen. but some days you just need to blow off steam lest you burst like a silly bubble.

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so i painted

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and i wrote

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noT tHis painting
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i am noT this paiNting
not this messy
uNraveling thing
dripping purple & bLue
aLL over this page
something is gnawing
on the inside of my throat
liquefying me
immobilizing me
eating doesn't help
running doeSn't help
sex
doesN't
heLP
i crave passion
instead i welcome silence into my home
i haTe silence
wHy? do you do this
& why does it cut? so deeP
nO. this is not about you
but it doesn't help either
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say something…
or fuCk off
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i will say nothing more about this, except:

• yes. do mind what you send into the universe. but remember we are human. not robot. channel your negative energy into something creative. you'll feel much better.

• i don't hate silence, i just prefer music. silence in itself, is not a bad thing. it can actually be very healing. what i do hate is getting the silent treatment from the people i care about. scream or curse or tell me how i disappointed you, but don't ignore me. i cannot control others choices. but i can choose how i react to it. frustration is probably not the healthy choice.

• and please forgive the cursing. i could edit it out. but that would be a lie.

(C) Copyright & paintings, MJ Calitz 2008

las vegas!

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click on pics if you wish to enlarge

photographs by david & mj calitz. edits mj, 2008

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collective flower (send with love)

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Oh lover,
never had
had
noT forgotten...
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eVery night
i sprinkle purple fLowers on your bed,
freshly plucked froM the skY
i leave them for you with a sigH
i wRite poetry on your door
of lovers that never tire
never bite never hurt
of never never neveR leave
but life iSn't this…
oH butterfly on my toNgue,
will you send this message pLease:
a puRple flower from my heaRt
to each who eNtered there
& please make sure
a petal touches each beLoved face
telling them they're nOt alone
& fiLL their souls with warmth…
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008. collage & edit MJ '08

unravelling eye

(oil pastels & water colors, 2008)

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this painting does not reflect my current state of mind.

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one word

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i have only one word for you today:
fragile
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photograph of winter trees taken by David Calitz. all other photographs & photo edits MJ Calitz, 2008

paperdolls & daffodils

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i wonder how she is, my pretty harlequin girl...

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paint & icing

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enter the dream
you see what i see, feel what i feel

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i'm painting a wall white. i want a big blank canvas. i paint with giant paint brush &urgency. i reach everywhere, smear my dirty hands on my clothes, paint more. more white. more. i need a bigger canvas...
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zoom out. what do you see? big empty warehouse. white walls everywhere. & me wearing a blood red wedding dress billowing in the wind smeared with white paint…or cake icing. i lick my fingers, taste blood. my fingers are raw from hours of painting. why do i need such a big canvas? i want to paint. paint what? my mind is blank some days. but my hands want to paint, always. i need more canvas, just in case. in case of what?
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i paint the floor. i paint the ceiling. i paint my hands. my arms. everything must be white. the dress is too red...this is what i'm thinking. how silly & yet it seems important. zoom in. i rip the dress off. dunk it in a can of paint and begin to wash my naked body with it
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everything is white now. even me
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i'm ready to paint the canvas. with color. any color. i look down. there's an open can of paint at my feet. now looking at the floor with me, slowly zoom out. the warehouse floor is covered with open cans of paint. aLL of them white...
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of course now is when i would normally wake up screaming
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but what if i never do?

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paiNt me a blood red dRess sMeared with white paint like cReam cheeSe icing on bLood bitten lip. i paint with kisseS smudging the liNes. i paint liKe me. with wings & curious souL. add a sprinkle of woRds & gLue. so wHat if i doN't paint like picasso, monet oR you. i will paint you a red wedding dRess smeared with painT & icing aNd rip it off iF i waNt to. and you can lick my fingers clean if yOu want to...
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so. it may not be gallery style...
but it will nEver juSt be white

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(C) Copyright, MJ Calitz, 2008. Collage & edits, 2008

fire fairy

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sMile me a fAirY

& an oRanGe fLoweR

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i'm off to the dentist...

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. photographs of fairy & orange flowers taken summer 2008. photo edit, today