sunny days

I was planning a photograph of a seagull for you today, because, guess what? I'm leaving for a vacation Saturday...yay! 3 weeks in sunny Florida, camping and reading and a whole lot of doing nothing. A seagull seemed fitting.

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But then I read one of my favorite blogs this morning and my mind took another turn...things happen & how do we deal with them...so instead of cleaning the house, I thought and I painted and I wrote. (& in between the house got cleaned too. very fast mind you...I think the fairies helped a little)

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She had this vision in her head. the day was a flip flop kind of sunshiny day complete with popsicles and a big yellow sun. her gypsy skirt & sun kissed hair sparkling as if sprinkled with fairy dust, dancing in the breeze. birds singing. Her watermelon mouth wide with glee. And in her gaze a secret garden cottage underneath a shady tree. Bees & butterflies. And all kinds of flowers and leaves growing along the path, painting spring. Walk with me...inside, a chandelier, tea for two, love seat. A sigh like she's come home. Children's art on the wall depicting the same scene: dollhouse, smiling sun, floating flowers, and her, stick like with gypsy skirt, L-shaped feet and hands that looked like spiders...round with long stick fingers. How she loved children's' drawings. The sun always smiled in them.
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(...I once saw a man with a knife stuck in his hand. His palm was swollen like a tennis ball...)
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It was a very good day and she wouldn't spoil it with bad images. Not even if it wasn't hers. Specially if it wasn't hers.
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It's just...things happen. Unexpected things and sometimes you gotta put the dream and the happy smiles to one side and do the things you didn't want to think about. Nobody wants to think about the wicked witch or knives in hands or...death. It's not the dying part, no. it's the end of things part that bothered her, like...who's gonna send that last e-mail for you? IF. Or maybe it's just me thinking about these things. sometimes.

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i will be back in 3 weeks
kisses & smiles
mj
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. collage, mj, 2009

(click on pic if you wish to enlarge)

shine

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i found this mannequin on the roof of a curio shop on route 66. of course i had to take her picture. and i was trying to find the right angle, when for a moment, the sun illuminated her like a star on stage. i love this photograph...her beautiful face, the color of the wall behind her and all the odd and surprising little details that give the picture texture.

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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2008

the little deaths

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the little deaths, i call them
when you kill me with a smile
make me doubt myself. download guilt
call me stupid in front of our friends
over and over
and i forget why you love me
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these little deaths
they cut so deep
and i forget why i love you
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(…why?)
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garlic mashed potatoes, green tea & death race
my stomach aches
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anger boils over. finds calm. stays
the combination is foreign
i roll it around on my tongue
taste it. swallow it whole
it nests in my heart like a welcome pacman thing
chomping love cells. disintegrating lies
you see it in my eyes
touch my hand. even my skin is cold
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no. doN't tell me this anger is juSt an illusion. or a shackle. nO! because this anger is what uNlocked the prison door. thiS anger is what lifted the weight that kept my head under water for so long. this time the anger is what is tRue
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& the moment i acknowledge this
the anger dissipates
and all that's left is clarity
& patience is a virtue

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i wrote this poem a couple of days ago. here is a link to my favorite blog at the moment:

http://pleasefindthis.blogspot.com/

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check out "the end bit is animated" ...how interesting is that. it's funny how the universe sometimes gives the same message through different people.

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009

what if continued...

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…and wHat if i grew uPside doWn like a pink paisley leaved fLower. wouLd you plant me in your zen garden somewhere between rose quartz & amethyst crystals? ceNtered in your heart…aNd would you pluCk me or leave me in the suN?
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(C) Oil pastels, water colors, acrylics & glitter glue on paper, MJ, 2009 (click on pic to enlarge if you wish)

open your mind

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Do you sometimes wonder if the universe is trying to say something to you?
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I do. In fact I know it is...Sometimes it's big things like an illness or a national disaster, even the economy. And sometimes it's the little things like the words of a song, an e-mail or a container full of beads spilled on the carpet.
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We get so busy & so caught up in the stress of living that we don't see & we don't hear. But the universe is always sending us clues, nudging us to make choices, giving us what we need, including the people to help us through & help us grow.
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Here are two things I've started to do to help me stay focused and to give something back...
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[1] I've written about 20 "messages" on pieces of paper, saying things like: "you are enough," "slow down," "yes, you can," "why are you angry?" and " just do one thing today that will bring you closer to your dreams." I threw it in a cookie tin. And each time I go out, I randomly take one and leave it somewhere, like a dressing room or in a bookstore or anywhere I feel the opportunity. This is my way of helping the universe send a couple of messages. And I believe that the person who needs that specific message will find it and keep it or pass it on to someone else who needs it more.

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[2] I've discovered prayer beads. Prayer beads are a surprisingly universal thing in many religions. It's a way to focus on your prayers, dreams, loved ones,etc. by touching something that brings you back to that thought, helping you to pray or meditate or to heal or just be still and release stress. There are no rules. It can be long or short, open or closed (like a necklace), specific or general...all that matters is that it means something to you. I've made 2 so far (here's a picture of one) and I plan to make more (some personal, some more general) to either give away or sell and maybe it will help someone else to pray.

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This may not make sense to you & that is okay. We all have our ways to connect with God. Be it meditating, or carrying healing crystals or going to church or writing poetry. The only thing that's important here is that you open up the communication channels.
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this is my message for you today:
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open your mind and you will see what the universe is trying to tell you.
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find a way that makes sense to you to connect with your spiritual self.
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love & peace
mj

piNk poem

(unfinished. acrylics on canvasboard.

text added digitally. mj, 2009)

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things with wings

...call me a butterfly. a gypsy. a bird. i don't care. but right now, i dream of the road. i want to fly. i thought i had a home until i got lonely...lonely is a bubble in my head. i sit cross legged. i bounce. i see people. so silent in me. so loud. i planted things that didn't grow. too many times. a few flowers to show. then comes winter and all is dead again. sometimes i can smell "alive" at the fair...if i could dance like a thing with feathers. dust and raindrops in the air. no, it's nothing as fancy as that. i just yearn for something different sometimes. the gypsy spirit calls me, she whispers in my hair. "fly...fly, my pretty. fly away way way." it's days like that, when the road is nowhere to be found. and i am a bird locked in a cage, key in my own hand...

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(02/13/09)

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i call this picture:

"he writes little verses that pin me to paper like a dried butterfly"

- edit, 2008

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...i write god poems in her navel, suck in my breath and the universe expands in her eyes. she closes her i. it is dark. i whisper in her ear and the wind rustles the leaves, a sigh escapes. tornadoes could destroy the world. but she is love. or am i? we write god poems on stars and throw them back into the sky for lovers to find. she bats an eyelid and i drown in my own fears. she winks and i explode. life is like that. we write god poems in the sand & wait for it to disintegrate. we make wishes on stars. we cry when they fall. this is how i felt thursday night...

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(03/09/09)

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. Both poems in reply to Nazz on S8 (the phrase "they write god poems" from his poem "Koan, the destroyer"). Self portraits & photo edits, mj. "Butterfly" picture, B Torrance. "Angel on the chair" picture, unknown.

handmade

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i made this gift box with love & glitter
i wrote this letter. my hands did this
for you. my heart believes in us
one day the stars will smile
& we will read love poetry
under shady trees
we will make love
& the stars will smile
yes, the stars will smile
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square box
full of kisses
for rainy days
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round box filled with thoughts & wishes
you will touch these and think of you of me
of stars and miracles and dreams come true
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love poems can never fully say
what i want to say to you
how my heart feels loved
how my soul smiles all day
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because you
were handmade
for me
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009

paint me mine

Canvas! I painted on canvas. Okay, technically it's called canvas board, cheap, hard and deliciously small. But still...canvas, not paper. A girl has to start somewhere, yes? So i did. Remember when i told you that blank canvasses freak me out. Little silly overwhelmed me...big expensive blank canvas. Look, i know you think it's silly too...But here, let me explain it this way... It's like taking a kid to an ice cream shop with hundreds of flavors and saying, pick two. That would probably be the equivalent of both a kid's biggest dream and nightmare at the same time. All the possibilities...one chance to get it right. I'm not sure why i put the restriction on myself...Maybe it's the cost of canvasses and paint, or just the big blank space begging to be made into a masterpiece and of course that right there is a pretty scary thought...MASTERPIECE...

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So, the first time i painted on canvas, i had this huge idea and it came out all flat and inhibited. And the 3 times after that wasn't much different. Most people would give up at this point, not me, because deep down in my soul, i know that i'm an artist. It's just a matter of breaking the ice, giving myself permission to fail, trusting myself. & there in lies the secret...Giving yourself permission to fail & trusting that you can. & It doesn't matter that it's not a pretty picture or a masterpiece that will inspire awe. What matters is that you expressed yourself...That you tried and tried until you succeeded. And that you experienced a moment of joy & oneness with the universe for creating something...anything.

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I chose to do color blocks on this one. It takes the fear out of what to do and it gives you a chance to play with color, technique, brushes, etc. Here's the result...

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009

liqourice dog

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lovinG you is like eaTing liquorice doGs with choPsticks. you are. the caNdy with the teeth. bOth stickY. & sLipping through. you biTe me then you liCk my faCe. you make me bLeed. make me gratefuL. maKe me woNder wHat i seE. thAT's the beauty of the bEast. and i can nOt change your bark or hoW you taste. but i caN chooSe noT to eat you…

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. photographs & edits, mj