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These are the questions I've been asking myself these past few weeks...why do I procrastinate so? And what is chasing me?
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You see, some mornings, I just want to crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head and hide from whatever is eating me up inside. You know that feeling too, don't you? It's that demon that gnaws on the inside of your throat. It's the thing that immobilizes you. It's a belief that is rooted deep within you by a combination of past trauma, personal survival skills, conditioning, genetics, etc. In my case, my fear of not being enough. It cripples me some days. And I have tried to fight it, but it always comes back, just like you have tried to conquer your personal demons, and failed many times. And no matter how hard we fight this thing or how many times we try, we keep failing. So we try to ignore it. We hide it from others. We bury it deeper. But it always comes back to bite us. This is the thing that secretly brings us to our knees with the sheer shame & powerlessness of it all. This is the thing that makes us feel like a failure even though others perceive us differently. This is the wall we hit, the silent enemy within. The thing that makes us want to crawl into stronger arms and whimper "I can't."
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And that is exactly what we are supposed to do. Surrender. Because, if you could conquer this thing on your own...this addiction, this fear, this belief, you would have found a way by now. Of course you would. It is in our nature to control what we fear. We are experts on this. But everything is not always in our control. Sometimes we just need to be brutally honest with ourselves & be willing to surrender our fears & our demons to a greater power. Whether you believe that power to be internal or outside of yourself, it doesn't really matter. And this giving up, this surrender, does not have to be grand or embarrassing. No. It is as simple as a request or a prayer. What matters here is that you admit to yourself that you cannot do it alone and ask for help. Ask a friend, a therapist, or that which you believe to be God. But ask. I have conquered many demons this way, including depression. There is no shame in asking for help. Sometimes we just forget or we cling to our pride.
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So last night, out of desperation, I picked up a book which I knew have several exercises on meditation in search for one that would address this ache of mine. I found one that was a perfect fit. It focuses on the general meditation technique of easing tension with breath and statements that you complete and repeat, such as "I surrender...(my fear)", "I let go of...(my expectations)" and "I quit trying to...(always be perfect)" until you feel the tension leave your body. You fill in the blanks with whatever applies for you. self examination and honesty is required here, otherwise it is a waste of time. So I tried it this morning and I feel better. It is of course not a quick fix, but with practice and the willingness to be honest with myself, always, I know that I can conquer this fear eventually. I believe that the universe wants us to be happy & will help us if we ask.
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So next time you hit a wall, try honesty, surrender & persistence. And remember that change comes by taking little steps. If you have this kind of demon, you are not alone. Let's do this together.
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(C) MJ Calitz. Photographs & edit, MJ Calitz, California 2008
(oil pastels & acrylics on paper, mj calitz, 2009)
