puppets, green cards & mermaids

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gLue me a doLLS head with fLoweRs on toP. maKe it pRetty. doN't sTop...waiT. scratch tHat. tell mE the tRutH. wHere does kaRma & deStinY stop aNd wheRe do i begiN?
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life is happening so fast around me that i can't seem to keep up long enough to give you an update. or maybe i'm just trying to find my balance long enough to not fall over again.
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so here's a few snippets. i got my employment authorization card. then i got my social security number and possibly a job. then our green cards arrived in the mail within 2 (TWO!) days of finding out it was approved. then it was celebration dinners & thanksgiving and finding out details of my brothers death and trying to be sensitive to other people's journeys and heart aches and deciding when to visit my family (which i would have gone yeSterday if it was up to me, but it's not all up to me and apparently money does NOT grow on limbs) and the christmas lights need to be put up and the laundry needs to be done. and i'm working on two paintings at the same time.
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in the mean time, i'm struggling with existential questions and fears floating in and out of my body uninvited and bouts of crying (equally uninvited) while winter is creeping closer and people are eating and watching tv. i'm also knitting (but that's a state secret until christmas).
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so, here i am. scratching over a picture and writing what appears in my head. i'm afraid i'm half running on auto pilot and trying my very best to catch up (if that's even possible). like i said...puppet.
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i just finished this book and loved it: "the mermaid chair" by sue monk kidd
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2010

new orleans decay

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(C) Photographs, MJ Calitz, 2010

stop pushing

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this year has been too long and i feel like i've been stretched too much. pushed. grow. pushed. grow. sometimes i want to say to the universe, "don't be so fricking rude and give me a chance to dust off my knees." some days i feel good and strong. and some days i melt into a puddle of sadness and pain and anxiety. on top of that, i'm used to dipping my toe into this swimming pool of possibilities and suddenly there's a whole ocean trying to swallow me and it scares the shit out of me. it brings me crashing down sometimes. it's not that i don't have faith. it's that i'm just so tired. stretched. worn thin. aching. overflowing. i think it's time to visit a therapist.

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ya gotta know when to ask for help.
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mj

n.e.s.t.

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nest. to crawl inside
and hide
blanket. i am raw
and naked. cover my insides
my mind. beats like a terrified bird
wings flutter. pressure
climbs my throat
fear. push. push it down. but
it streams. like tears down my face
i can’t. i. can’t. i
help me
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2010

peanut butter sandwich wisdom

here i am, eating
(inhaling)
suNshine
in a peanut butter sandwich
and a pear, my nose pressed
to the sweet and ripe and yellow
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it’s not that i need sunshine
it’s that i need to fill a hoLe bigger than death
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like when you realize you have surrounded yourself with people and still find yourself alone
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or when you chew on a 2 day old conversation with your mother who simply insisted that time should not be wasted and still find yourself hungry. huNgry and guiLty
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and suddenly peanut butter makes you feel reaL
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not so floating on a lonely surreal balloon
but here. eating sticky peanut butter
forget the calories
i’m talking spoons full,
even before the toast is done
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somehow you can’t feel hollow
after eating peanut butter
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and then she said
i told someone you were my best friend
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and then he said
i move when i move and i stand still
when i stand still
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and i realize
life and fruit and grief and friends
have their own rhythm
and it’s oKay
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2010

where angels go to grieve

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(C) Photographs & photo art, MJ Calitz, 2010

bird inside

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mixed media (including papers, acrylic paints and graphite pencil) on 16 x 20 inch canvas.
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words on the bottom of the canvas:

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you died
winter came
i'm a bird inside
a cage
not sure if i want to
speed up time
or turn it back
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(C) Art & Poem, MJ Calitz, 2010

to the universe. and myself

god, universe, Life
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by taking away a human being tangled up in me, there since the day i was born. my safety net. my blood. my brother. you have cut me. left a hole

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Life,
how you injure. and heal
give sorrow. and joy
ability. and fear
and fear of fear
and death, as a matter of time
unfathomable
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why must we suffer such loss and despair
such insecurities
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to grow
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i LOATHE you
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i love
you
me
YOU
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Life, i am trapped in your belly
i run in your belly
hide in your belly
ache in you belly
negotiating your digestive system
and your plans, of which i know nothing
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i am too small
i understand nothing
i understand everything
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i am scared
?how can i say “this is what i fear”
because,
what if you use it against me?
oh Life, how you torture me
it is not my fault. i am guilty
?what if i fail to conquer
or don’t measure up?
i am powerless
i am...you?
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how is it fair to throw us into this dark pool of life without the knowledge of how to save ourselves? “SWIM!” you say when we are not ready

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how is this love?
how is this noT love?
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and none of this makes life
(or death)
any easier or less painful
it just makes it…LIFE
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2010

more than 30 years ago

sadness

for those of you who don't know, my brother died thursday morning in a car accident. i don't have any fancy words or pretty pictures for you today. just my sadness and the hole in my heart.

yellow

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the sun was hot and yellow and the shadows were lace filigree clinging to the walls. maybe i'm clinging to you in the same way. feeling both vulnerable and ancient. lingering and restless. trapped in your paint and walls.

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2010. picture taken at the french quarters in New Orleans.

galaxies apart and back again

sometimes you catch an image so magical that it takes your breath away. this is probably one of my favorite pictures of the whole vacation. i call it the "starry horse dream scape."
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hi, i'm back.
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i have taken a two month long nap in blog world, but not in real life. my in laws have come and gone (after a 6 week visit). i've seen more in our month long road trip than the average american probably see in a lifetime, including graceland, tinkertown and the french quarter. i ate more ribs than a hyena, climbed a mountain (seriously!) and held a baby alligator. i baked in the sun and froze in a cave, traveled 7 000 miles from home to the ocean to the desert and back, bought a cowgirl hat and a cow skull. i ate a 4 pound cinnamon bun (not on my own and not in one sitting), saw 300 000 bats fly out of a cave at sunset, and painted a pink graffiti heart on one of 10 cadillacs planted vertically in the ground in amarillo. i took a million pictures and walked a million steps...
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i relearned to knit again. this is an AWESOME stress release activity and something i have wanted to do again for a while. you will doubtlessly see some of my experiments here soon.
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and then i took a vacation for one in my bed with a book for a week each morning after my husband left for work. this week i'm returning to my normal fitness routine and i feel fresh and ready for creativity to flow.
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it's good to be back.
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ps. i'm excited to say that i might open an etsy shop soon...maybe (watch this space.)
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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2010

sunny side up

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turn your head to the sun
and grow grow grow
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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2010

orange day

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(C) Photographs, MJ Calitz, 2010. (Pictures taken at Inneswood Gardens)

bits & pieces

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There's a lot going on in my world right now.
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We're in the process of applying for green cards (finally!) and it involves things like immunizations (ouch!), passport photographs (yuck!) and battling consulates for unabridged birth certificates (did you just say 6 months?)...yeah.
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We're also getting ready for a visit from family members from SA combined with another road trip (this time to Tennessee, New Orleans, Texas and New Mexico). I'm SO excited about the photography opportunities and the adventure of it all, spending time with family, and also getting some goodies from SA.
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We've painted two rooms in our house this weekend.
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I've made two wonderful(!) new friends this year (Kat & Cheri...hi ladies!) and LOVE spending time with them.
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And on top of it all, I have 3 new creative projects going on... (1) a quilt (2) a painting and (3) ...well, the 3rd one will remain a surprise for now, but I left you some clues in the pictures above.
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I'm taking a little break from blogging for about two months. But hopefully I will return with loads of amazing new photographs to share and stories to tell.
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BE WELL. BE HERE. AND BE YOU.
XOXOXO
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(C) Photographs, MJ Calitz, 2010

for a friend

(pen, oil pastels and acrylics on paper)

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(C) Art, MJ Calitz, 2010

paint moments brighter

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so this is two things
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(1) it's my picture and i'll "paint" on it if i want to
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and
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(2) sometimes all you have to do to help a friend carry a heavy load, is to listen
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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2008. Photo art, MJ, 2010

lovely holes

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why am i painting ovals?
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(because an oval is noT an egg…)
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yes, it could be a mouth wide open with sorrow and silent crying, the pain buried so deep that you can’t make a noise. oR it could be a womb. bleeding. empty. hole but not whole.
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so i’m painting ovals. and people say “oh, what a lovely hole!” (only in my head of course.) and i think, what’s a lovely hole? and suddenly i’m finding beauty in unexpected holes…
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like skulls.
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they have lots of holes. holes for eyes. nose. mouth. ears. i use to find skulls creepy. now i look at them and i think, breath flowed through those holes. (life.) eyes turned this way and that. (what did it see?) and i see beauty in decay…beautiful creaMy white bones with liFe-giving holes.
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and what about the little holes. like the holes in beads.
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or those pLastic doll faces we used to store string in. you could pull neveR ending string through a tiny hole in the mouth. now that’s creepy, some people would say. but it made me smile. big smiles.
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i use to write poetry like strings of beautiful pearls falling from my lips. now i just paint ovals.
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(what’s that piece of cloth doing in my painting?)
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…and 6 is a healing number.
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(C) Art, MJ Calitz, 2010

big red ovals

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lately i've been painting (or making) big red ovals. i'm not sure if it represents an empty womb or a screaming mouth or a combination of things or just a vague unidentifiable feeling. whatever it is, i like the look of it. and it feels like a release of negative energy...a healing on some deeper level. i call this process "undercover therapy."
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this is an abstract mixed media piece. i started with an 8 x 10 canvas board painted black and two pieces of scrap wood glued together roughly and painted white, attaching the wood to the canvas. then i added hot glue and more paint to the black piece and nails, red embroidery thread, a hematite cross and broken egg shells to the white piece. i wrapped black embroidery thread around the white piece (you cannot see this on the picture) & added two small red beads.
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i love this piece. it feels very different from my previous art...i think i'm finally growing into my own and finding my balance as an artist.
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this is good...and yet i wonder if i'm ever going to write poetry again. where did my inner poet go?
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(C) Art, MJ Calitz, 2010

the ever seeing eye

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(C) Art, MJ Calitz, 2010.
(oil pastels, water colors & acrylics on paper)