inner balance

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Look at the pictures of this old barn. Yes, it's fragile, old, broken, peeling and to be honest a bit sad when you start to focus on all it's imperfections. Nevertheless there's a quiet beauty that shines through the crisp autumn sun rays. And if you look at it from certain angles, it even looks a little proud, surviving the seasons, rich with history.
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This can be applied to our lives too, finding the beauty and the calm and the richness inside. You can do this exercise, if you wish:
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Sit calmly and comfortably in a quiet spot. It doesn't matter what time of the day it is. If you wish, you can do it in a cross legged yoga position with your eyes closed, but if another position feels more comfortable to you, then do that. The idea is not to follow by the book, it is to feel relaxed, but focused and be uninterrupted for a few minutes.
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Alright, once you are in this position, begin by taking a few deep cleansing breaths. As is normal with the human brain in the hectic chaotic lives that we live, thoughts will come rushing into you mind, like lists of things to be done, problems to be fixed, worries, etc. Try to resist these...not in a "go away, you are not allowed" kind of way (that will only make them more persistent), but in a "I'm letting you bounce off me like bouncy balloons" kind of way until there are no inner voices competing for attention anymore. Allow yourself a generous amount of time to achieve this balance. Keep on breathing.
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Once you've mastered this, turn your attention back to everything that is affecting you right now, whether it's past, present or future. Yes, I know this sounds counter productive, since we've just spent time trying to resist this very thing, BUT this time, we are going to use focus and calm, creating a safe, less overwhelming environment. We are not making lists. We are not solving problems. We are acknowledging our subjective reality to enter our minds one thing at a time, giving everything the recognition it deserves, but without judgment. Let me explain why...often when you ignore a petulant child, he or she will throw a tantrum to get your attention, blowing the situation out of proportion, but if you give the child recognition, without feeding the drama, the child will calm down enough for you to address the issue. Also if you take away the judgment, that takes away the need to be right/good, the fear, the rebellion. This is exactly what you're doing here.
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BY THIS TIME, YOU MIGHT WANT TO GIVE UP, BUT DON'T. You're doing a great job and you're on the way to finding your inner strength. And all of the above can be done in a matter of minutes, if you focus. Here's a breakdown of HOW TO FOCUS:
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One at a time, allow the following kinds of things to enter your mind, see them like photographs coming and going...Acknowledge your imperfections, fears, insecurities, worries, things you are having a hard time with. If need be, say, "I see you and I understand why this is hard." Remember, no judgment or trying to solve problems, just see them for what they are and let them go again, this time without worry. Send them out into the Universe and trust that things will work out. Now see your achievements, your beauty, your health, things that make you feel proud and strong. Feel the gratitude and the history of it all sink in. Next, focus on the people that touches or touched your life...the ones you loved and let go by choice or by no choice of your own, the ones still in your life, who makes you smile or worry, who hurts you, who strengthens you. See the painful times without judgment, the gift that is each and every one of them, their temporary nature. Feel the bond between souls connecting you to the heart of the universe.
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None of this needs to be in order. Let each thing flow naturally from your brain without trying to make a list and without any judgment, if you do feel judgment enter your mind, recognize that too and let it go. Nothing is wrong here. You are just giving your mind a chance to unravel the chaos and let go of the anxiety of being so overwhelmed by it all. You are letting go of expectations. You are seeing your place in the universe and acknowledging everything good and "bad." You are restoring balance.
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Lastly, return to now. See the rest of your day lying ahead of you. See it with hope. Recognize the possibility. Give yourself permission to not be perfect, but set your intentions in doing the best you can to give love, healing, creativity and or positivity back to the universe in any little way you can. Finish with some deep breathes and thank yourself for showing up and doing a good job.
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NAMASTE
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(C) Photographs, MJ Calitz, 2010

yellow kiss

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imagine a heart
tattooed on a leaf
like a yellow kiss
of autumn
breathed
and veins of a season
lived...was green
now fading
on papery perfection
preened
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(C) Photograph and verse, MJ Calitz, 2011

2011 gallery so far. yarn

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so...i got a little distracted by the pottery classes i started in August (birthday present to self), and i'll be sure to share some of my clay creations with you later. but in the mean time, here are pictures of a blanket i crocheted and knitted (above), as well as a sneak peek at some of the scarves i've finished or are still working on (below) for the etsy shop i plan on opening soon...

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(C) Knit & crochet ware, MJ Calitz, 2011

2011 gallery so far. canvas

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mixed media paintings on canvas, canvas board or muslin square. names & sizes from top left to bottom right: lace (22 x 28 inches), blue (14 x 18), life (16 x 20), the day i sat in my chair (9 x 8), bedroom (12 x 16), inside (9 x 12), and up (18 x 24). CLICK ON IMAGES TO ENLARGE
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(C) Art, MJ Calitz, 2011

read this

book: Happiness auther: Thich Nhat Hanh quote from book: "Life is full of suffering. If we don't have enough happiness on reserve, we have no means to take care of our despair."

2011 gallery so far. photography

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yes, i know...i'm not exactly the poster child for blogging these days, but in my defense i'm trying to live more in the real world (disembodied male voice over megaphone: "step away from the internet")... and hopefully quality makes up for lack of quantity. SO, that said, i plan on sharing a few "galleries" of my recent creative attempts with you within the next few days...maybe weeks...i hope... *grin*
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...beginning with the best photographs of 2011
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(C) Photography, MJ Calitz, 2011

be a bird

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so what does birds and knitting have to do with each other?
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nothing, except when my brain makes a weird and wonderful connection like this:
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knit me a bird bathing in yarn. blues and pinks, green, purple, creams and brown. "but it's summer," they say with a frown, "and scarves are for winter." "and what of it," she says and wraps its feathery wings around her neck. "if i can't be a star then i'll damn well, when i please, be a bird"
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i knitted these scarves for my next winter collection, which i plan to sell. aren't the colors and textures just scrumptious?
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and where did the bird thing came from?
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this is a little bird bathing in my garden. i took this picture just yesterday...
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...and then i couldn't resist having a bit of fun with it.
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be a bird, if you want to...have a bird bath in the sun, imitate the dance of an exotic bird or just dress as you damn well please...
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XOXOXO
mj
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(C) knitwear, photographs and weird little writings, MJ Calitz, 2011

pink

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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2011

say what you need to say

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some things just gotta be said. even if the other person never responds.
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i'm talking e-mail of course, and maybe you're wondering just what could be so important that it needs to be said, but is said in an e-mail...trust me, there are a lot of situations a person can find oneself in where e-mail is the only way to communicate, specially when there is distance that can be measured in time and/or space.
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i'm learning that THERE IS A TIME FOR EVERYTHING...a time to connect, a time to disconnect, a time to reconnect. and there is a time to say what's on your mind. sometimes it takes time to see things clearly before you can speak your mind. and sometimes you realize that you suddenly have the opportunity to say something you've been carrying around for years. in situations like these, it is a GIFT to be able to finally say what you need to say, and you gotta grab that opportunity, even if an e-mail is the only way and you have no guarantee that the other person will respond or even read it.
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i'm learning to take back my "internal locus of control"...meaning, if i believe in myself and in my point of view, and if i grow stronger as a result of it, then I DON'T NEED the other person to respond, to approve, to like me. this may all sound very self centered to you, but to a person growing up with a low self esteem and an addiction to approval, this is a good thing.
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i've also come to believe that a person will get a message if they're supposed to get it, when they're supposed to get it and they will take from it what they need to take from it. this is me, taking a step back and TRUSTING in the eternal, unfathomable, brilliant wisdom of the Universe.
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this is me saying, go ahead, say what you need to say and then let it go.
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2011

souls merge

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souls merge
you steal my calm
even when you’re
not here
i am
in you
forced to flex
higher than i have
ever gone
i am not there
yet you are
in me
merged
but separate
(souls)
(merge)
in more ways than one
mercy grinds me down
to nothing and everything
is fine
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sometimes you gotta go back to move forward

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(C) Art & poem, MJ Calitz, 2011

snapshots

life's been a little crazy and yet ridiculously brilliant this past year...the little things and the big things all flowing together to create drama and growth and amazing epiphanies. i won't rehash it all again, but before i start sharing my creative endeavors with you again, here's where i'm at...
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i had a great visit back home in SA, reconnecting with family in ways that made us more aware of each other, vulnerable and stronger. in seeing others imperfections and letting them see mine, i found tolerance and forgiveness and respect, and a more comfortable place to be together. i realized that WE ARE ALL JUST HUMAN and trying to do our best. i let go of old aches and unachievable yardsticks. i hugged the people that matters most.
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then began the process of moving from Ohio to Colorado, letting go of the house we lived in for 5 and a half years and saying goodbye to friends who have become family, trusting my possessions in the hands of strangers, dealing with troubles on the road, the unknown, the cold/flu that wouldn't end, the hotel that was too shiny, the hotel that was haunted, the dog that refused to sleep for 3 days, finding a new place to call home and unpacking everything, meeting new people and dealing with new fears and adventures. and through all this, i learned to GO WITH THE FLOW.
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but here's the most important thing i think i learned the past couple of months
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LIFE is NOT about what other people think of you. LIFE IS ABOUT surviving YOUR reality and realizing your souls UNIQUE journey. FORGET about other people's measures for success and be PROUD of how far you've come. it DOESN'T matter how brilliant or unachievable or humane/selfless another persons achievements may seem. just because yours are quieter or closer to home or seem less important, DOESN'T MEAN it ACTUALLY is less important to the universe.
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you don't need other people's approval to be happy. find your worth inside.
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every now and then
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take a picture
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of where you are
and what you have overcome
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(C) Photographs, MJ Calitz, 2008

to be continued...

we are back and had a lovely visit in SA. unfortunately i won't be able to blog for the next few weeks either, because we are moving to Denver right away. everything is a little crazy right now, so please forgive my long long long long LONG absence here. i will return as soon as we are settled in and have the internet up and running. to be continued...

xxx

in the meantime...

visiting family in South Africa. be back in a few weeks. xoxoxo

gLass

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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2010

face it

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i was drawn to this picture today, so i lingered here for a while. delighted by the details of this doll, i was also humbled by the fact that someone had the vision and the dedication and the skills to create this fantastical creature. and i realized that art is the result of the artist trusting in his vision, being confident in his capabilities and following through. and the last part of this process is in the letting go. if you want to be an artist but you're always feeling like your not quite there, you have to ask yourself "what exactly is holding me back?"
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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2010

lace angel, bird cage, & other paintings

(mixed media on 12 x 16 paper backed by canvas board)
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(8 x 8 muslin square for art quilt)
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poem in painting below: even if she drew yellow circles. even if black tears rose from the earth like sapling trees swaying in the crisp breeze. even if grid covered the whole world, it would never feel safe again.

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(mixed media on 9 x 12 canvas board)
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(part of an abstract pastel drawing on 18 x 24 paper)
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(C) Art & poem, MJ Calitz, 2011

lingering sadness

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even though i have made peace with my brother's death, there are moments when i'm overwhelmed by a lingering sadness.

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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2010

the distance traveled

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"Sometimes things should be judged by distance traveled rather than by current position" - quote from the book "the gargoyle" (author: Andrew Davidson) -
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(C) Photographs, MJ Calitz, 2010

fairy moth tree

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when a beautiful piece of driftwood, some yarn, some flowers, ivy, a string of fairy lights and a jeweled moth marries, what do you get?

a fairy moth tree

i am delighted with my newest creation. it makes me want to glue all kinds of things to sticks. now, if i can only find more driftwood...

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(C) Art, MJ Calitz, 2011

treasure, unexpected

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sometimes the generosity of friends blow me away. how they listen, what they forgive, when they reach out to you. this week a friend send me 4 boxes packed with books, art supplies and awesomeness in the form of antique lace, dolls, ribbons, etc. i practically drooled unwrapping each brown paper bag and each box within a box. i am SO blessed. thank you walt (& alice).
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2011