holy rose

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8 x 10 acrylics on canvas board. i call this one "holy rose." didn't plan it at all. i just squeezed and mixed some paint colors on a palette and let my brush follow my mind (which seemed to be going in a circle at the time. it does that a lot. haha). it started out as a bulls eye kinda painting and ended up looking something like a rose (with a halo) spiraling into a muddy maelstrom suspended in time. for me it has a very personal meaning and is symbolic of things divine, feminine and growing. i cannot really explain it, but i wanted to share it here.
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(C) Art, MJ Calitz, 2010

map the dark moments

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Now lets talk about relationships that hurt.
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Are you in a relationship (and I’m not only talking romantic connections here) where you are always trying too hard to please or impress someone, never being enough, not able to let go? A relationship where you desperately need someone’s approval, understanding, attention, support, etc, instead often receiving the exact opposite, and yet you keep going back for more.
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I know you know what I’m talking about. and I know that you have tried in your own way to deal with it. maybe you’ve tried to ignore the emotions, physically ran away from the person or got defensive and rebellious. And still it persists. Why? Why won’t it just go away and leave you in peace?
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Because these kind of relationships are hard to leave for a reason. They are significant. They keep molding you and pushing you and challenging you, emptying your reserves, testing your best intentions, forcing you to look inward asking “why?” And this is exactly what you have to do to find the remedy…look inward and explore.
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If you want, you can do this exercise. Find a quiet place. You can use a pen and paper if you need to. Now focus your thoughts on this relationship. How does it make you feel? What does it force you to do? What do you crave from it but never get?
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Don’t be afraid to dig deep.
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Then when you figured out what you need from the relationship, take a step back and shift your attention to the other person. As neutrally as you can (without judgment) really look at this person and see why he or she can not give you what you crave from them, not because they mean you harm or don’t love you, but because they simply can’t. (They are not equipped with the “tools” or the situation prevents them or they don’t have the emotional reserves, etc.) Find the empathy in your heart that will allow you to forgive that person. This will probably not happen right away, but it might surprise you how much it changes things, taking away a lot of the weight you felt.
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Now step back into your self again and see how this relationship makes you grow. What are you forced to learn? How has it changed you or made you stronger? Can you see how this has benefited you later in your life, maybe preparing you for something bigger?
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At this point in the exercise a funny thing will probably happen in your mind. You will experience a moment of deep love and gratitude towards this person that has been torturing you for so long. This means that you have allowed your soul to expand. You have taken back a piece of yourself that has been missing, making you more whole in the process.
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You have done something generous and really amazing.
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Now see the healing begin…how you become free to see the simple beauty in the complicated workings of this relationship and feel how the energy slowly starts to change.
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Here’s one more question. Can you see patterns repeating (sometimes in other relationships) until you’ve learned what you needed to learn from that relationship but resisted? Maybe things that have confused you will suddenly click, giving you a lighted map of the dark moments in your life. And maybe this will allow you to stop some of the pattern from repeating again.
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This is not a quick fix. This is a life changing exercise that you can use for multiple relationships at different stages in your life. It could be easy with some relationships and a LOT harder with others (and it may not work with some because you are not ready or supposed to learn that lesson now). There’s no need to force it or rush it. Give it time to play out and give yourself plenty of breaks, realizing that you are doing your best and that’s enough. But be open to explore the dynamics of the relationship without automatically putting yourself in the role of victim.
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You are NOT a random victim of circumstances. You may in fact be receiving a divine gift.
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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2010

special moments

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"there's nothing like a mama-hug" - T Guillemets -
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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2008

it is written

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Lately I’ve been noticing the significance of my relationships with some people. They may be fleeting, or coming and going at unexpected intervals or lingering. And some of them are of a permanent nature, like family. But it never fails to surprise or amaze me when the answer to a “why” or a “what” regarding these relationships clicks into place.
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Why did you just cross my path? Why do you keep returning? And why now? What do you still need from me? Why do you hurt me so deeply? What do I need from you? Or what can I learn from you?
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And mostly I get those answers after the fact in some kind of light bulb moment bringing clarity. Because in order to get the gifts that is meant to be exchanged between us, we have to actually spend some time together. And it doesn’t always make sense until the exact destined moment when you give or receive a gift. In fact sometimes (or maybe most of the time) we are not paying attention and we do not see / are not aware of our humble mustard seed contributions.
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But sometimes, if we are lucky, we receive the gift of awareness too that allows us to witness the expansion of our own souls and those of others. And even more blessed and rare are those relationships when both people are aware that something divine is happening.
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Today I want to say thank you to my friends Steve, Kat, Erika & Monique for each knowingly or unknowingly playing their special parts in the huge shift that is happening in my mind this last month or so.
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This awareness is teaching me to be open to the possibilities without clinging to expectations so much, and to just go with the flow, releasing my need to control every little thing. TRUSTING GOD’S PLAN. You are exactly where you are supposed to be, doing what you are supposed to do, meeting people and getting pushes to make changes when you are supposed to. It is written. It is destiny. Nothing is random. Every relationship in your life, no matter how random it may seem or how hurtful (specially the hurtful ones) have meaning. It is up to you what you do with it.
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(C) Art, MJ Calitz, 2010

where we are now

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I connected with two of my old school friends recently (through facebook of all places). And each, in their own way, reminded me of these things
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(a) It’s not about what you’ve accomplished, what you have or where you live. It’s about who you are inside and how you touch others (no matter how small or insignificant it may seem). Nobody is perfect. We all have our aches and our challenges. It’s what makes us us.
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(b) My friend, Erika, told me how she thinks of me whenever she hears certain songs on the radio because I used to sing along. No matter how hard your life seems at any given time, remember to find joy in the small things, like singing or dancing to a favorite song. (The songs that I love to sing along with VERY LOUDLY in my car right now is “Time,” “Today” and “God made me” all from different albums by Chantal Kreviazuk)
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(c) Erika also said something that made me sit up and go “exactly!” She said, sometimes we have to (walk) live a few miles before we can look back and get perspective. And I want to add, sometimes the road gets long, but no matter how uncomfortable or insignificant it may seem at that moment, every step counts, even if you don’t see it.
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remember this: By being honest with each other, our interactions become meaningful. So next time you reconnect with an old friend, don’t hide behind a mask of fake perfection. Choose to REALLY connect & see the gifts unfold.
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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2008

navigational beacons

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fiNd the patterns repeating in the muddy chaos of your life ~ asK questions ~ recognize the illusions tRapping you and the people guiding or pushing you ~ decide to chaNge your mind ~ be pResent ~ be gRateful ~ giVe back
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(C) Art (mixed media on 9 x 12 inch blocked hard board), MJ Calitz, 2010

yOu

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"today you are you. that is truer than true. there's no one alive that is youer than you."
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- Dr. Seuss -
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(C) Photo art, MJ Calitz, 2010

nesting calender

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(C) Art, MJ Calitz, 2010

unlocking spiritual doors

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if you like to do meditation, try these two cd's by Kelly Howell (make sure to use stereo headphones) :

• Awakening Kundalini (unblocking chakras)
• Guided Relaxation (discovering a sanctuary of peace, relaxation and inner strength)
  

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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2010

message in a box

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inside this box
i built this nest
feathered with love
& flowered with hope
woven inside a tapestry
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inside, a girl
frozen in fear
& a tiny blue bird
ready to hear
her hearts desires
and fly to the ear
of the one who
breathes life
in all that is dear
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(sometimes things only start to rhyme in the second verse.)
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I built this little shrine in a box (9 x 7 & a half x 6) that I decoupaged and painted, lined with feathers and tapestry threads and framed with a bead curtain. Then I added a flower, a birdhouse complete with a bird, a heart hanging by a thread and a stone girl cut from a photograph inside the box, and a little nest with an egg decorated with flowers on top.
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It was supposed to be a fertility shrine, but it turned out to be more about starting a growth process…a spiritual growth process. It turned out that fertility issues is a way of pushing my soul to expand. And expand it did, and then some.
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This is part of the reason why I haven’t been blogging so frequently the last few months. At first I was dealing with the trials and tribulations and the monthly heartaches of being on fertility medicine and not getting pregnant. Then I met a wonderful woman who steered me gently into a journey of discovery…about why we are here, why it hurts so much sometimes, the connectivity of it all and what next.
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I am sure that my next few blogs will be all about sharing some of the extraordinary discoveries I made with you. We all have our own journeys and maybe mine is far removed from the reality of yours, but maybe it helps you to see something that will help you in whichever way it is meant to.
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(C) Art, poetry & thoughts, MJ Calitz, 2010

perfect, now

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you can never be perfect
but you are ALWAYS
perfectly YOU
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books & cd's for the soul:

• "Life is a verb" - Patti Digh
  
• "How to save your own life" - Michael Gates Gill
  
• "Sacred contracts" - Caroline Myss (audio book)
• "Brain wave meditations" - Kelly Howell (audio book)
• "72 sound healing meditations" (cd)
  

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old favorites:

• "Conversations with God" - Neale Donald Walsch
• "Mr. God, this is Anna" - Fynn
• "Eat, Pray, Love" - Elizabeth Gilbert

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"we inhabit ourselves without valuing ourselves, unable to see that here, now, this very moment is sacred. but once it's gone, it's value is incontestable."
- Joyce Carol Oates -
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(C) Photo Art, MJ Calitz, 2010

perspective

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"we don't see things as they are. we see things as we are."
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- Anaïs Nin -
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(C) Photo Art, MJ Calitz, 2010

stripped

& striped ;)
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if i show you my not so pretty side...
my barren fields of dreams
screams trapped inside my throat
unwise patterns. stumble. fall. repeat
swollen eye tears. fears spinning gears
this aging human body. not always strong
me. needy. stubborn. not always here…
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if i do not write another word
no child. no art
no money or shiny career
no desirable limbs. no pretty face
if i cannot say what i mean…
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if i am not what i seem
if i am not what you dream…
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if i am just this,
the story of my life,
achingly boring & human…
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would you still smile & say
it’s okay
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why am i so scared of not being enough for the world?
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(C) Art, Photo Art& Poetry, MJ Calitz, 2010

vibrations

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here's my thought of the day...
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be aware of all the sounds you expose yourself and your loved ones to. whether it be from words or music, movies or background noise, sounds are vibrations resonating like tuning forks inside us, impacting our health & balance. of course every negative sound can't be turned off, but if you are aware, you can take little steps towards restoring health & inner peace...like turning off that violent tv show that's irritating your nerves, tuning in to nature, listening to scientifically engineered healing sounds...or EVEN just being aware of the sounds that come out of your own mouth. i am not saying "be perfect." NO. i'm saying be aware.
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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2008.

just breathe

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when you feel vulnerable and scared
just breathe
when you feel stretched to your limit
just breathe
when you feel sorrow or disappointment
just breathe
when your body is bruised
your heart is broken
or your soul is searching
just breathe
when the pain gets too much
just breathe
and when you feel like you can’t breathe
…just breathe
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(C) Photographs & photo art, MJ Calitz, 2010

raspberry alice

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i am forever immortalized as alice with raspberry lips on a french girl’s blog
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and i wonder
am i really
what i say
how i look or
how i am perceived?
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what if my words are just strings of awkward and whimsical weaved together as poetry…or nothing?
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who is this alice?
it just sounds so fantastical
welcome to the greatest show on earth!
come see the brave, the rockstar-ish,
the very plastic
alice with raspberry lips!
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what if i am never her
and what if i am so much more
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stop. no more plastic. return to earth & sticks & shells
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i am woman
i am mind and body and soul
yes, weathered by life
& coiled too tightly
but i am real
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i don’t need to be defined by anything. not skills or looks. not a poem or a baby. i am enough just as i am. right now
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(C) Art & Photographs, MJ Calitz, 2010

bird fluttering

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is that a little biRd i feel fluttering inside my calm, cracking up my sanity? eggs, eggs and more eggs. she can’t stop talking. stop hoping! I CANNOT LIE. not about this. pills & needles& counting the days forced me to pay attention to the ruthless yearning pecking away at my soul. and not just my soul. no, the core of the SOUL of the soul. does the universe not want this for me? does it not feel the vibrations of my yearning rippling across it’s heart, knocking at the core of everything that is LoVe? little egg. little life. hope that is born & squashed a million times. eat this. noT that. no roller coasters. no sun…no SUN??? i will sacrifice the sun on my skin for a chance to carry life inside my belly…to be a giant egg. a round birdhouse. a belly nest. i cannot wait…no. STOP! don’t hope.
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i picked up the neighbor’s baby 2 weeks ago. 2 weeKs ago. i can’t forget the feel of his body in my hands…the smoothness of his skin…bone & weight. fragile and yet stronger than i expected. it's not as if i haven't picked up a baby before. wHat did i expect? i didn’t expect to feel nothing and yet remember the moment so vividly. i didn’t expect to feel the fluttering of a bird knocking @ my soul. i didn’t expect to feel EVERYTHING
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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2010

haiku-ish

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spring day
walking outside
alive!
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wicker chair in shade. birds
easter eggs on trees
it's good to breathe
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dogs barking
airplane passing by
he says my art
is definitely NOT SHY
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2010

ethereal

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(C) Photographs, MJ Calitz, 2010

fly anyway

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i have 3 things for you today. a collage...
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a painting...
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and a poem...
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fly anyway
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if she wants to paint eggs, then let her do it. as far as i know, there’s nothing wrong with repetition. in fact it’s quite healing. so what’s in an egg? fertility. opportunities. life. he cracks me up. now everything appears sunny side up. eat toast for breakfast. smile. welcome to your life.
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it’s just…sometimes i let the yellow push me into premature mourning & i become a human bird at a crossroad inside a cage, bleeding ink, unable to fly. but i forget that i am a butterfly & orange is rising slowly, surely, sacredly in me. so paint your eggs and your numbers, wish on a feather or a full moon & fly. fLy…fly anyway
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(C) art & poetry, MJ Calitz, 2010