morning light

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morning light. fog paints the air ethereal. butterflies hang on the willow tree like two upside down hearts still asleep while flowers wake up taking thirsty sips of dew. the beauty of it all takes my breath away

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(C) Photographs & words, MJ Calitz, 2009

rules for surviving

when you're a butterfly

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1.
don't be a zoMbie loveR
stuck to the liPs of
a god chiseled out of
starduSt & cliMb my limbs
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2.
don'T forget
that he has feet of cLay.
& for god sake
doN't fall at his feet
starving clinging
caRving angel wings
on his back
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3.
don't eat out of his haNds &
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4.
whaTever you do
don't feed him blOwn kisses
taSting like hoPe because
they have the tendency
to bouNce back
& hiT you in the heart
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No.
this
is
noT
what
this
is
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thiS is
don't look into the fUture
lest you tuRn into a deer
caught in the headlighTs
frOzen in stone
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yeS, i am still a butterfLy.
but that doeSn't mean
that i should fLitter
to faSt forward
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009. art, mj, 2009

inadvertent & reaL

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but she shiNes!?! even the sun spins pure gold threads in her haiR, you say, shivering & confused. just call her goLdilocks. (that's the faiRytale anyway.) but soMe days. she locks you out with her lashes. the saMe lashes that kiSsed your eyes, touched your souL your heart your ear, crawled iNside & stayed without invitation. & you search but you can't fiNd the keyhole & her barbwire tongue, sO pretty, so pink, inadvertently cuTs you in 2. too far away. you want to remeMber the kisses. but they burSt against your i. effervescent. ephemeral. eveR elusive…illusive.
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truth? nobody knows the damn truth. aLL we can do is be here…BE HERE & be reaL
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009

press play

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she stands in front of the mirror. feeling heavy. feeling unsure of what comes next. the morning light has always been healing & kind. press play. the music begins. she closes her eyes, let it wash over her. her body knows what to do. she begins to move. it just feels good dancing to gypsy guitars, the beat of ancient lovers echoing on her soul in double sway. she is woman. her hips celebrate. black slip slides on skin. wild hair flies sticks cascades. she bites her lip. smiles. crows feet. eyes invite. hold secrets only lovers should find. find the rhythm inside you. it doesn't matter if you don't know the steps. just dance!

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009

thank you

thank you SO much for all the birthday wishes! i am truly blessed.

watch this movie: the ugly truth (hilarious)
eat here: Logan's Roadhouse & the Cheesecake Factory (both receives a "yum" from me)

a day at the beach

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California

&

Florida

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(C) All photographs, MJ Calitz, 2008 & 2009

flowers & clouds

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the illusion of "supposed to" is a muLti layered quilt of lies keeping you cosy & calm. wHy don't you step ouTside for a while & enjoy the beauty of a flower. a cloud.
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(C) Photographs of flowers, MJ Calitz, 2008 & 2009. Photograph of clouds, D Calitz, 2009

the idea of me

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"i think i'm falling in love with the idea of you," he said (long time ago). and i didn't understand until the other day, driving home, that that was probably one of my biggest fears come true. that statement was like a wolf in sheep's clothes. a trip switch hidden inside a wishful thought. which is exactly what made it dangerous. the wishing part. because the idea of me could be any damn thing. could be a virginal white lamb. could be goth girl spreading her legs, or. be-my-whimsical-fairy-artist. or sunshine on toast. could actually be brave & have something to say. what if the idea of me is one dimensional. conditional. unforgiving. or what if the idea of me is bigger than me? in fact what if it's so impossibly high that i'll never reach it, no matter how hard i try?
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& what if that is how i've tried to live my life so far...to be the idea of me.
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009. drawings by mj - ink, oil pastels & acrylics on paper.

classroom

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do you sometimes feel like life is a classroom and summer is just a dream?

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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2008

mini earthquakes

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All my life I've been dancing to other peoples drums for their love & approval, just for the people I've tried to please so hard, to set newer, higher standards whenever it pleased them. Here's the thing: I set myself up for a life of "servitude" & disappointment, not only constantly disappointing them, but constantly disappointing (not to mention ignoring) myself. I always knew it (because I've been rebelling against it for so long just adding guilt on top of the disappointment), but I never KNEW it.
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I suddenly realized this while standing at the kitchen counter eating a ham sandwich for dinner the other night, right after I realized that something was shifting in my mind. It had to be because I made 3 very clear decisions that day…
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1. I don't have to ride the bicycle (ever again) if I don't want to. Even though he bought it for me and it wasn't cheap. Even though I finally learned how to ride a bike last year. Even though he insists that it will be fun. I don't HAVE to.
   
2. It is good to be healthy, but I don't have to diet or gym so hard. I'm okay just the way I am. & the objective is to be healthy. for mySelf. noT skinny for anyone else.
   
3. I don't have to feel guilty about ANYthing. Nobody can make me unless I let them…unless I choose it.

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& trust me, these are not small shifts for me…these are mini eaRthquakes
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Here's another mini earthquake for me…

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I drew this eye this morning. and it's not perfect, but I never thought I could...Imagine the possibilities.
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(C) All art, MJ Calitz, 2009

bunnies or flowers

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rabbits visit my garden. real rabbits. they're so cute. but the little rascals dig up my garden and eat the flowers. what to do? apparently pepper oil is the thing to keep them out of the flowerbeds. i hope it works because i like the rabbits, but i like my flowers too.

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(C) Photograph MJ Calitz, 2009

i hope you read this

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how many times do i write
my secrets on a piece of paper
and then shine a light on it?
& everyone reads
between the lines
what i probably didn't
say. or exactly
what i said but wished
i didn't say quite so loud
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and before i can catch it
crumple it into my mouth
chew & swallow
to get it back inside
because inside
is where it belongs
it flies. too high
it flies like a bird
with a broken wing
displayed. vulnerable. proud
*
i cringe & whisper
please be kind
be honest
be brutal. so i
can grow brain trees. drop seeds
but sometimes i swallow your ink
and drown for a little while
& i have to spit it out
so i don't choke on the feathers
sticking to my lips
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i hope you read this & know
that i'm not so broken not so loud
not so [fill in the blank]...
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Ps. i wanted the girl in the drawing to look a bit freaky...like a dripping wet little love junkie with a tree growing out of her head...for some reason i have "lady of the lake" in my mind's eye (from a movie trailer i saw), but maybe more like tim burton's corpse bride *grin*
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(C) Art & poem, MJ Calitz, 2009

today

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in my cd player:

• jason mraz - we sing. we dance. we steal things.
• sara bareilles - little voice

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books i'm reading:

• "the sugar queen" by sarah addison allen
• "the creative license" by danny gregory

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favorite quotes:

• "It is looking at things for a long time that ripens you and gives you a deeper understanding." - Vincent van Gogh -
• "Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most." -Buddha -

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(C) Photographs, MJ Calitz, 2008

live YOUR life

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Look, I'm not saying dreaming is wrong. There are different kinds of dreaming & some of them are good for you. e.g. dreams for your future, dreaming that leads to creativity, even a little dreaming for a moment of stress relief. These are all healthy and normal.
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But for some people there comes a point when your daydreams become obsessive fantasies about things that can never happen. And just like a drug, you experience highs when you're using (dreaming) & lows when you're not. And eventually you become addicted. You know I'm talking about you when you prefer the dream world to reality, you lose hours in your day just dreaming & you actually get annoyed when interrupted. That's when dreaming is of the unhealthy kind. Because not only are you sacrificing the here & now for what will never be, missing your life, you are idealizing your future & setting yourself up for a life of disappointment where happiness becomes ever elusive. Do you see now why this kind of dreaming is not good for you? Like any other addiction, it is just another form of self sabotage.
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Some people wait a lifetime for their lives to begin. They think "if only this" or "if only that...my life will be perfect." But what if "if only" never comes...
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Live now. live YOUR life.
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(C) Photographs & edits, MJ Calitz, 2008 & 2009

a horse is a bird

(read "facing birds" first, then this will make a little more sense. maybe.)

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what is this i see? two birdhouses nesting. twin mickey mice walking uP the wall. imagiNe the conversation. it cracks me up. add a pig with a ring in his mouth. no, make that an apple, why nOt? paint it gold. red pig, gold apple. stuck on a birdhouse. stuck on you. stuCk here. uNglue my shoes from this fantasy pLease. it's just...the days are so boring. why not add spice, make it nice? the only problem with spice, is that it's addictive & 2too fast. i never could catch a bird before without burning my fingers. that's wHy i stare @ birdhouses. climb inside. hide. [note to self: get ouT] why this sudden fascination with biRds? birds that fly. bird nests. birdhouses...WHAT? don't you have a LIFE?

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...why don't you go ride a horse instead?

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a horSe is just another biRd, she said. dOn'T you get it? a horse is a bird is a drug as long as you hide inside your head. geT ouT!
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. photograph & edit, mj, columbus art festival, 2009.

facing birds

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one day, when i was a bout 4 years old, a man came to the creche. he wanted me to smile for the birdie in the lens. what nonsense is this, i wondered. who would want a picture of me? although "my mother" would have been the logical answer and they took pictures of all the other kids too, for some reason i panicked. all i knew was that it felt uncomfortable and i didn't want to be there. so i ran outside and i tried to hide on a wooden horse swing in the playground. i thought for sure he wouldn't find me there (or he would give up). but of course he did (& he didn't).

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i still run. everyday. camouflage the chiLd behind the girl riding a wooden horse hoMe. purple flowers grow in my garden. i think if i could curl into a ball and hide underneath the fragile petals, i probably would. wHy so coward? those pants don't fit me anymore. i've grown since then. gremlins use to live inside my skin. and churches were buildings inside my guilt. so many, so big for a fairy girl's souL. water my roots. shed my skin so i can grOw. make space for wings. time is the teacher that adds rings. but it's up to me to fertilize and bE. here

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it doesN't make sense to run & hide anymore. at some point, i have to face the bird, and smiLe

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009

unweave

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life unravels while i unweave

hanging on a ray of hope

& time is a verb...

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009

wave goodbye

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some days are just piNk days

pink car pink hair pink socks

and all i have to do is

stop. breathe. & wave goodbye
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(C) MJ Calitz. Photographs, MJ, 2008

don't live in a nest

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he aLways loves me

even when he caN't be my pain

even when he dares to tRy to understand

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because soMe days i disappear

behind the lace curtain in my miNd

where streams flow uPside down

and screams make aBsolutely nO sound

some days i sWim in question marks

some days i rain. blinK hard. fake sane

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there once was a woman

who thought she was a biRd

she build a nest around herself

iN her mind. safe & sound

even though she couldn't fly

(or maybe beCause she couldn't fly)

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maybe i have a nest too

because i sometimes diSconnect

just like my dog who has a fear of tiles

she stares & aims. negotiate the liNes

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wHat if the world was built with blocks

like mini nesting boxes. squAred

of couRse it would be lined with fuR

and answers would coMe

wrapped in bows

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but that would be cheating, yeS?

there are many kinds of nests

i. choose. noT to live inside

a neSt. again.

it will be hard

but i will try & tRy

until i fLy

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. Collage, MJ, 2009

grow deeper

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i grow deeper. like a flower seeking soil with roots ever curious & copiously digging. i choose to grow upwards. reaching for the sun. drink rain. purple, she is a queen of the earth. plant me. i am the sun. and everything is as it should be. wrap my leaves around me. i am free...
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movie: paycheck
"the moment we see our future,

it takes away our free will"
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book: your erroneous zones

(author: dr. wayne dyer)
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"you are the sum total of your choices"
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reply by "the mingo" on

my gypsy inside poem:

"Ya got things growing inside of you. That's why the gypsy. She always has the same two words on her lips. She never says go here go there. She never says be this or be that. She never ever says choose. She never gives directions. Ya got things growing inside of you & the gypsy always and only says 'MORE ROOM, MORE ROOM!!' "

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even my body feels restrictive to me these days... & this morning i remembered these drawings i did in 1995
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(C) All art & photographs, MJ Calitz, 1995 & 2009 (click on pics to enlarge)