the idea of me

*
*
"i think i'm falling in love with the idea of you," he said (long time ago). and i didn't understand until the other day, driving home, that that was probably one of my biggest fears come true. that statement was like a wolf in sheep's clothes. a trip switch hidden inside a wishful thought. which is exactly what made it dangerous. the wishing part. because the idea of me could be any damn thing. could be a virginal white lamb. could be goth girl spreading her legs, or. be-my-whimsical-fairy-artist. or sunshine on toast. could actually be brave & have something to say. what if the idea of me is one dimensional. conditional. unforgiving. or what if the idea of me is bigger than me? in fact what if it's so impossibly high that i'll never reach it, no matter how hard i try?
*
& what if that is how i've tried to live my life so far...to be the idea of me.
*
*

*
*
(C) MJ Calitz, 2009. drawings by mj - ink, oil pastels & acrylics on paper.