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All my life I've been dancing to other peoples drums for their love & approval, just for the people I've tried to please so hard, to set newer, higher standards whenever it pleased them. Here's the thing: I set myself up for a life of "servitude" & disappointment, not only constantly disappointing them, but constantly disappointing (not to mention ignoring) myself. I always knew it (because I've been rebelling against it for so long just adding guilt on top of the disappointment), but I never KNEW it.
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I suddenly realized this while standing at the kitchen counter eating a ham sandwich for dinner the other night, right after I realized that something was shifting in my mind. It had to be because I made 3 very clear decisions that day…
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- I don't have to ride the bicycle (ever again) if I don't want to. Even though he bought it for me and it wasn't cheap. Even though I finally learned how to ride a bike last year. Even though he insists that it will be fun. I don't HAVE to.
- It is good to be healthy, but I don't have to diet or gym so hard. I'm okay just the way I am. & the objective is to be healthy. for mySelf. noT skinny for anyone else.
- I don't have to feel guilty about ANYthing. Nobody can make me unless I let them…unless I choose it.
& trust me, these are not small shifts for me…these are mini eaRthquakes
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Here's another mini earthquake for me…
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*I drew this eye this morning. and it's not perfect, but I never thought I could...Imagine the possibilities.
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(C) All art, MJ Calitz, 2009
2 comments:
Your inner compass is leading you onward toward new realizations of life. I sit back and watch you emerging from the cocoon of pleasing others into the bright blue sky. Your realizations gave me pause to consider my life as well. Like Bob Dylan said, "It's alright Ma, if I can't please him(or her)".
John
thanks john. these were major realizations for me. i am glad that it made you pause & consider too. and yes, it's alright.
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