where we are now

*
I connected with two of my old school friends recently (through facebook of all places). And each, in their own way, reminded me of these things
*
(a) It’s not about what you’ve accomplished, what you have or where you live. It’s about who you are inside and how you touch others (no matter how small or insignificant it may seem). Nobody is perfect. We all have our aches and our challenges. It’s what makes us us.
*
(b) My friend, Erika, told me how she thinks of me whenever she hears certain songs on the radio because I used to sing along. No matter how hard your life seems at any given time, remember to find joy in the small things, like singing or dancing to a favorite song. (The songs that I love to sing along with VERY LOUDLY in my car right now is “Time,” “Today” and “God made me” all from different albums by Chantal Kreviazuk)
*
(c) Erika also said something that made me sit up and go “exactly!” She said, sometimes we have to (walk) live a few miles before we can look back and get perspective. And I want to add, sometimes the road gets long, but no matter how uncomfortable or insignificant it may seem at that moment, every step counts, even if you don’t see it.
*
remember this: By being honest with each other, our interactions become meaningful. So next time you reconnect with an old friend, don’t hide behind a mask of fake perfection. Choose to REALLY connect & see the gifts unfold.
*
*
(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2008

navigational beacons

*
fiNd the patterns repeating in the muddy chaos of your life ~ asK questions ~ recognize the illusions tRapping you and the people guiding or pushing you ~ decide to chaNge your mind ~ be pResent ~ be gRateful ~ giVe back
*
*
(C) Art (mixed media on 9 x 12 inch blocked hard board), MJ Calitz, 2010

yOu

*
"today you are you. that is truer than true. there's no one alive that is youer than you."
*
- Dr. Seuss -
*
*
(C) Photo art, MJ Calitz, 2010

nesting calender

*
(C) Art, MJ Calitz, 2010

unlocking spiritual doors

*

if you like to do meditation, try these two cd's by Kelly Howell (make sure to use stereo headphones) :

• Awakening Kundalini (unblocking chakras)
• Guided Relaxation (discovering a sanctuary of peace, relaxation and inner strength)
  

*
(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2010

message in a box

*
inside this box
i built this nest
feathered with love
& flowered with hope
woven inside a tapestry
*
inside, a girl
frozen in fear
& a tiny blue bird
ready to hear
her hearts desires
and fly to the ear
of the one who
breathes life
in all that is dear
*
***
*
(sometimes things only start to rhyme in the second verse.)
*
***
*
I built this little shrine in a box (9 x 7 & a half x 6) that I decoupaged and painted, lined with feathers and tapestry threads and framed with a bead curtain. Then I added a flower, a birdhouse complete with a bird, a heart hanging by a thread and a stone girl cut from a photograph inside the box, and a little nest with an egg decorated with flowers on top.
*
It was supposed to be a fertility shrine, but it turned out to be more about starting a growth process…a spiritual growth process. It turned out that fertility issues is a way of pushing my soul to expand. And expand it did, and then some.
*
This is part of the reason why I haven’t been blogging so frequently the last few months. At first I was dealing with the trials and tribulations and the monthly heartaches of being on fertility medicine and not getting pregnant. Then I met a wonderful woman who steered me gently into a journey of discovery…about why we are here, why it hurts so much sometimes, the connectivity of it all and what next.
*
I am sure that my next few blogs will be all about sharing some of the extraordinary discoveries I made with you. We all have our own journeys and maybe mine is far removed from the reality of yours, but maybe it helps you to see something that will help you in whichever way it is meant to.
*

*
*
(C) Art, poetry & thoughts, MJ Calitz, 2010

perfect, now

*
you can never be perfect
but you are ALWAYS
perfectly YOU
*

*
books & cd's for the soul:

• "Life is a verb" - Patti Digh
  
• "How to save your own life" - Michael Gates Gill
  
• "Sacred contracts" - Caroline Myss (audio book)
• "Brain wave meditations" - Kelly Howell (audio book)
• "72 sound healing meditations" (cd)
  

*
old favorites:

• "Conversations with God" - Neale Donald Walsch
• "Mr. God, this is Anna" - Fynn
• "Eat, Pray, Love" - Elizabeth Gilbert

*
"we inhabit ourselves without valuing ourselves, unable to see that here, now, this very moment is sacred. but once it's gone, it's value is incontestable."
- Joyce Carol Oates -
*
*
(C) Photo Art, MJ Calitz, 2010

perspective

*
"we don't see things as they are. we see things as we are."
*
- Anaïs Nin -
*
*
(C) Photo Art, MJ Calitz, 2010

stripped

& striped ;)
*

*
*
if i show you my not so pretty side...
my barren fields of dreams
screams trapped inside my throat
unwise patterns. stumble. fall. repeat
swollen eye tears. fears spinning gears
this aging human body. not always strong
me. needy. stubborn. not always here…
*
if i do not write another word
no child. no art
no money or shiny career
no desirable limbs. no pretty face
if i cannot say what i mean…
*
if i am not what i seem
if i am not what you dream…
*
if i am just this,
the story of my life,
achingly boring & human…
*
would you still smile & say
it’s okay
?
*
***

*
why am i so scared of not being enough for the world?
*
*
(C) Art, Photo Art& Poetry, MJ Calitz, 2010

vibrations

*
*
here's my thought of the day...
*
be aware of all the sounds you expose yourself and your loved ones to. whether it be from words or music, movies or background noise, sounds are vibrations resonating like tuning forks inside us, impacting our health & balance. of course every negative sound can't be turned off, but if you are aware, you can take little steps towards restoring health & inner peace...like turning off that violent tv show that's irritating your nerves, tuning in to nature, listening to scientifically engineered healing sounds...or EVEN just being aware of the sounds that come out of your own mouth. i am not saying "be perfect." NO. i'm saying be aware.
*
*
(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2008.

just breathe

*
when you feel vulnerable and scared
just breathe
when you feel stretched to your limit
just breathe
when you feel sorrow or disappointment
just breathe
when your body is bruised
your heart is broken
or your soul is searching
just breathe
when the pain gets too much
just breathe
and when you feel like you can’t breathe
…just breathe
*
*
*
(C) Photographs & photo art, MJ Calitz, 2010

raspberry alice

*
i am forever immortalized as alice with raspberry lips on a french girl’s blog
*
and i wonder
am i really
what i say
how i look or
how i am perceived?
*
what if my words are just strings of awkward and whimsical weaved together as poetry…or nothing?
*
who is this alice?
it just sounds so fantastical
welcome to the greatest show on earth!
come see the brave, the rockstar-ish,
the very plastic
alice with raspberry lips!
*
what if i am never her
and what if i am so much more
*
stop. no more plastic. return to earth & sticks & shells
*
i am woman
i am mind and body and soul
yes, weathered by life
& coiled too tightly
but i am real
*
***
*
i don’t need to be defined by anything. not skills or looks. not a poem or a baby. i am enough just as i am. right now
*

*
*
(C) Art & Photographs, MJ Calitz, 2010

bird fluttering

*
is that a little biRd i feel fluttering inside my calm, cracking up my sanity? eggs, eggs and more eggs. she can’t stop talking. stop hoping! I CANNOT LIE. not about this. pills & needles& counting the days forced me to pay attention to the ruthless yearning pecking away at my soul. and not just my soul. no, the core of the SOUL of the soul. does the universe not want this for me? does it not feel the vibrations of my yearning rippling across it’s heart, knocking at the core of everything that is LoVe? little egg. little life. hope that is born & squashed a million times. eat this. noT that. no roller coasters. no sun…no SUN??? i will sacrifice the sun on my skin for a chance to carry life inside my belly…to be a giant egg. a round birdhouse. a belly nest. i cannot wait…no. STOP! don’t hope.
*
i picked up the neighbor’s baby 2 weeks ago. 2 weeKs ago. i can’t forget the feel of his body in my hands…the smoothness of his skin…bone & weight. fragile and yet stronger than i expected. it's not as if i haven't picked up a baby before. wHat did i expect? i didn’t expect to feel nothing and yet remember the moment so vividly. i didn’t expect to feel the fluttering of a bird knocking @ my soul. i didn’t expect to feel EVERYTHING
*
*
(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2010

haiku-ish

*
spring day
walking outside
alive!
*
wicker chair in shade. birds
easter eggs on trees
it's good to breathe
*
dogs barking
airplane passing by
he says my art
is definitely NOT SHY
*
*
(C) MJ Calitz, 2010

ethereal

*
*
*
(C) Photographs, MJ Calitz, 2010

fly anyway

*
i have 3 things for you today. a collage...
*

*
a painting...
*

*
and a poem...
*
fly anyway
*
if she wants to paint eggs, then let her do it. as far as i know, there’s nothing wrong with repetition. in fact it’s quite healing. so what’s in an egg? fertility. opportunities. life. he cracks me up. now everything appears sunny side up. eat toast for breakfast. smile. welcome to your life.
*
it’s just…sometimes i let the yellow push me into premature mourning & i become a human bird at a crossroad inside a cage, bleeding ink, unable to fly. but i forget that i am a butterfly & orange is rising slowly, surely, sacredly in me. so paint your eggs and your numbers, wish on a feather or a full moon & fly. fLy…fly anyway
*
*
(C) art & poetry, MJ Calitz, 2010

enjoy the ride

*
*

it's not about the destination. it never was. it's about the miles you add, feeling the sunshine on you face every now and then & the journey that is uniquely yours. don't try to speed it up. instead, savor every moment that is pure gift & grace...WELCOME TO WHEREVER YOU ARE.
*

*
*
(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2008. Photo edit, MJ, 2010

finding strength

*
*
(C) Art, MJ Calitz, 2010

& sunshine in a salad

*
(C) MJ Calitz, 2010

spring on the sidewalk

*
*
*
*

Spring has arrived in Ohio. Yes, we'll still get a few cooler days, some rain, a snow dusting even, but for the most part it's sunny, there's evidence of new growth & green everywhere and people are washing cars and walking outside... It's awesome! Don't you just have so much more energy when the sun is shining? I went for a lovely walk around the neighborhood and big was my delight, when i came across this sidewalk painting, filled with sun & spring. It made me smile. & of course I had to go get my camera and take a few pictures to share with you.

*
I love spring time. It's like my body and soul wakes up from a deep, long hibernation, ready for a new year with new challenges and opportunities. I love feeling the sun on my skin and the breeze in my hair, the taste of fresh fruits and salads, the sound of birdsong and frogs returning and when the flowers open, color and sweet smells everywhere.

*
Of course on the other side of the globe it's autumn...So where ever you are and what ever season you're entering, enjoy the gentle breezes, the beautiful colors and the relief this season brings to you from being too cold or too warm to mellow and gorgeous.
*
*

(C) Photographs, MJ Calitz, 2010

in my skin

*
*
the luxury of skin, he said
and suddenly there’s a little song in my head
& a lot of possibilities in my soul
*
he woke me up. (3 times he. 3 times woke me. 3 times up). whispering. screaming. being. and now i can’t sleep. and now i’m dreaming again. just don’t ask me about the future. because it’s not with you. because it’s not gonna happen that way. because i simply don’t know. i know. it’s not all sleeping in on weekends. and making banana pancakes. and yet. i taste cinnamon. no more broken doll. run. paint. be me. be where i am. on clouds or not. be in my skin
*
the luxury of skin, he said. and now i’m awake. and now i can sleep again. because in my skin is where i am now. and it’s okay
*
*
(C) Art & poem, MJ Calitz, 2010

new growth

*
*
(C) Art (watercolor & color pencil on paper), MJ Calitz, 2010

the road you're on

*
*

here's my message for today: sometimes you just gotta keep pedaling the road you're on, even if it gets rocky (then you pedal extra hard until the worst is over), because it's where you're supposed to be. and if you fall off, get up & move on. ask for help when you need it. feed your body & your soul. and don't think other people's roads are so much easier, we all have our own obstacles and easy stretches. my mom always say, "life is not for sissies."

*
*
(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2008

egg nesting

*
*
(C) Art, MJ Calitz, 2010

coffee kiss

*
it was a very innocent kiss
like happy birthday
or congratulations
*
but
her lips were warm and soFt and tasted like coffee
*
oR
she kissed me with her warm coffee sipped lips melting over & in. in. in. the world stopped spinning. and for a definitive moment, eVerything made sense
*
afterwards
nothing
felt
right
again
excePt
drinking coffee
*
it’s funny then that I doN’t
drink a lot of coffee

*
*
(C) Poem, MJ Calitz, 2010. Photo art, MJ Calitz, 2008

shift your gaze

*
sometimes you just got to change your perspective. instead of sitting under water and feeling like you're drowning, get out and see the unexpected treasures hidden below
*
Ps. it's slowly warming up here in Ohio. spRing iS neaR! have a sunny weekend. mj.xxx
*
(C) Photograph taken in Florida, MJ Calitz, 2009

noT so pretty

*
*
i eat. i run
i paint
i scream iNside
*

sometimes i get fRustrated. i could eat my fingers. mustard is the flavor of my chicken dinner. mustard is the color of my walls. i cannot breathe. black holes suCk me in. i spiral out of control. i crash. i bleed all over this page

*

someone once said that our feelings are the compasses of our souls

*
shh! listen...
*
dRaw a line in the sand
draw green circles of hoPe
& sign my naMe
*
*
(C) Art & Poem, MJ Calitz, 2010

universal yearning

*
*
yesterday i remembered that i wrote this (in 2008) and i keep coming back to it as if drawn by an invisible eye
*
*
i want to press my face against your neck inhale your scent press my lips against your skin want to hug you long and deep feeling like i'm home & safe. i want to touch my lips to yours touch my tongue to yours & softly lightly graze until we feel the need to go deeper & go there. i want to play with you have a pillow fight build a castle from cola cans and straws. i wanna eat with you. cottage pie. ice cream on cones. cheese on thick slices of wholesome warm bread & drink tea at the kitchen table with you. with you. i want to write poetry with you read love poetry to you listen to you play guitar. i wanna go somewhere (anywhere) with you & take hundreds of pictures talk angle zoom, learn from you. i want to sit in a bubble bath with you build beards talk fears dreams heart things. i want to watch movies with you snuggle into your shoulder my hair tickling your nose. listen to you get passionate about music. philosophize about life love. i wanna hold victoria secret angel shows for you paint your toenails pink fall asleep holding your hand. i want to catch you staring at me. kiss your nose…
*
*

today, unexpectedly, i saw your funny face again and i marveled at the inner workings of the universe

*
ps. the picture might not make sense to you, but it reminded me of a time and a feeling...
*
(C) Photograph & poem, MJ Calitz, 2008

purple soul

*
*
*
*

purple girl. i am entangled in you. i am stitched into your tattoos. i am sucked into your maelstrom of melancholy & pleasure. each day is like riding on a strange carousel of horses & dreams. & sometimes i freeze, i whisper, i scream. & sometimes i dance on the graves of my unborn babies. i dare to say this because i have bled too many times. i will not fear my fears. i will not sneer at my weaknesses. i will not hide behind their stares any longer

*
come dance with me
soul sisters & broken souls
sing, tease & cry
bring your graves & your carousels
bring your twirls & your decay
together we will mend our wounds
licked & kicked
our worlds
ripped & stitched
together we will survive
*
some souls are purple flowers
& no matter how we fall
all we want to do is heal
*
*

(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2009. Poem & photo art, MJ Calitz, 2010

add a little red

*
how to warm up your day when it's snowing outside:
(a) sit at your kitchen table (or cuddle in a comfy chair) & read a hot blooded cowboy romance while drinking a nice warm cup of tea (be sure to eat whatever homemade delicacy feeds your soul).
*
(b) imagine yourself inside a giant bubble filled with fresh air, sunshine & birdsong. breathe.
*
(c) shimmy, shake & grin your way through a bollywood dance routine. it's huge fun!
*
*
keep warm my fellow winter friends
(we're almost there)
mj
xxx
Ps. i just noticed that i have a lot of snowy pictures with red in them. here's 3 of my favorites...
*

*
*
*
*

(C) Photographs & photo art, MJ Calitz, 2009 & 2010

suN is near

*
...tWo blogs in one day :P

*

*
too much snow
*
this bRoken lullaby. this suNless soul. tears, fears, dreams, hopes. aches & screams. i stitch them aLL together with sticky fingers writing hoMe. whaT do you caRe what kind of needle i stick into my veins when you’re knitting your oWn song?
*
i cringe
i cringe for you sometimes
i envy
i wish
*
i wish
*
i wish
*
& wHat to dO with hopes swimming in fear & dreams seWn inTo my eaRs
*
time. time. drink ginger & cinnamon tea. chamomile me. sew. sew. no more snow! no more broken. no more.
*
i wrote this poem
*
count the days…suN
sun is near
*
*
(C) Poem & photograph, MJ Calitz, 2010

yellow and orange, red, pink and green

in a world that looks like THIS (i took this picture standing in my backyard last week), only whiter still every day...
*

*
i felt like adding some color...like beads and ribbons...
*

*
embroidery threads...
*

*
bright yellow suns...
*

*
an adorable snowman my friend Heather crocheted for me...
*

*
& two hearts (for the valentines day inclined) that i painted on mini 4x4x1 & quarter inch canvases and embellished with beads. (it's not even signed yet.)
*

*
this winter has been unusually snowy. i cannot wait for spring to arrive. may you find color in all your winter days.
*
be well
mj
*
*
(C) phototgraphs & art, MJ Calitz, 2010