greeN pig

(photograph taken summer 2008)

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this is pRobabLy one of the cooleSt pictures i've ever takeN. i call it "i love my shady pig"

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2008

playground fears

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Okay, so here's the thing, I hate to wait. always have. Some people say I'm impatient. But really I'm just (still) that scared little kid waiting by her suitcase for her mother who kept forgetting that school came out early at the end of each quarter. Watching the other boarding school kids leave with their parents (who remembered them!). even the teachers packing their cars. And me smiling fake-ly and pretending that everything was fine. "oh no, she'll be here any minute." while the fear grew inside of me that maybe, just maybe, she won't come this time…
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I forget how many times this happened. But it has left a scar on me that runs deeper than my conscious thought. It's pretty accurate to say that waiting freaks me out. It starts with the normal amount of concern, maybe a little irritation and then builds up into an explosive cocktail of fear, resentment, abandonment and anger that could probably annihilate a small town if I did explode. Irrational? Yes. Over reaction? Yes. But there it is.
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It has a name. Fear of abandonment.
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A couple of years back, one day I stood in the supermarket and got a panic attack when I suddenly realized that I lost the person I was with…or he "lost" me. He walked away because I took too long deciding on something as stupid as a new face cream or shampoo or something. I forget what it was. But I remember that I freaked out.

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SUPERMARK
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is jy al ooit teruggeruk na ‘n oomblik van seer
so intens dat jou brein stilhou
en jou asem stol?
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het jy al ooit ‘n rollercoaster van emosies gery
of in ‘n splitsekonde
twintig jaar van jou lewe vergeet?
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was jy al ooit dom van woede,
woedend van vrees
of paniekbevange van skrik?
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ek het vandag
in ‘n supermark vol mense
jou naam uitgeroep
omdat ek vir ‘n oomblik weer klein was
en jy was weg
soos ‘n sandkorrel op ‘n ander planeet
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this is how i feel sometimes
like a child lost in a supermarket
left behind…lost…scared & alone
so please forgive me
if i lash out like an injured animal
when you (intentionally or unintentionally)
forget me on the playground
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2006 & 2008. "angel butterfly" photo edit, MJ, 2008. i was an angel with tinsel halo (minus one front tooth) in the christmas play one year.

birdhouse angel rose

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"a rose by any other name is still a rose"...who said that? shakespeare, i think, and i may have misquoted it a little. but...

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to balance my first post of the day and refill your positive energy, i direct you to the website of the lovely Ana Toader a.k.a. harlequin. she who is pure light & porcelain teacups. who writes things such as "i've turned as surreal as an umbrella"…
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http://hiheelsharlequin.wordpress.com/

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float me a porcelain angel with scarlet hair twining vining lacing around my soul. she's a fLower too. but not a silly daisy like me. i sip her like delicate tea & bird wings liFting me

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ps. "vining" is not really a word..."to vine" / twine / creep / climb. i just like the sound of it...

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. photographs and edit, mj, 2008

fRuStrated fLoweR

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f.r.u.s.t.r.a.t.i.o.n

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just the other day i wrote about e.n.e.r.g.y (what we send into the universe) & flowers send to kiss sad lovers…yesterday i disregarded all of that. oh, believe me, i tried. i tried to be love. and zen. but some days you just need to blow off steam lest you burst like a silly bubble.

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so i painted

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and i wrote

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noT tHis painting
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i am noT this paiNting
not this messy
uNraveling thing
dripping purple & bLue
aLL over this page
something is gnawing
on the inside of my throat
liquefying me
immobilizing me
eating doesn't help
running doeSn't help
sex
doesN't
heLP
i crave passion
instead i welcome silence into my home
i haTe silence
wHy? do you do this
& why does it cut? so deeP
nO. this is not about you
but it doesn't help either
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say something…
or fuCk off
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***

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i will say nothing more about this, except:

• yes. do mind what you send into the universe. but remember we are human. not robot. channel your negative energy into something creative. you'll feel much better.

• i don't hate silence, i just prefer music. silence in itself, is not a bad thing. it can actually be very healing. what i do hate is getting the silent treatment from the people i care about. scream or curse or tell me how i disappointed you, but don't ignore me. i cannot control others choices. but i can choose how i react to it. frustration is probably not the healthy choice.

• and please forgive the cursing. i could edit it out. but that would be a lie.

(C) Copyright & paintings, MJ Calitz 2008

las vegas!

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click on pics if you wish to enlarge

photographs by david & mj calitz. edits mj, 2008

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collective flower (send with love)

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Oh lover,
never had
had
noT forgotten...
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eVery night
i sprinkle purple fLowers on your bed,
freshly plucked froM the skY
i leave them for you with a sigH
i wRite poetry on your door
of lovers that never tire
never bite never hurt
of never never neveR leave
but life iSn't this…
oH butterfly on my toNgue,
will you send this message pLease:
a puRple flower from my heaRt
to each who eNtered there
& please make sure
a petal touches each beLoved face
telling them they're nOt alone
& fiLL their souls with warmth…
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008. collage & edit MJ '08

unravelling eye

(oil pastels & water colors, 2008)

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this painting does not reflect my current state of mind.

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one word

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i have only one word for you today:
fragile
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photograph of winter trees taken by David Calitz. all other photographs & photo edits MJ Calitz, 2008

paperdolls & daffodils

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i wonder how she is, my pretty harlequin girl...

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paint & icing

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enter the dream
you see what i see, feel what i feel

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i'm painting a wall white. i want a big blank canvas. i paint with giant paint brush &urgency. i reach everywhere, smear my dirty hands on my clothes, paint more. more white. more. i need a bigger canvas...
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zoom out. what do you see? big empty warehouse. white walls everywhere. & me wearing a blood red wedding dress billowing in the wind smeared with white paint…or cake icing. i lick my fingers, taste blood. my fingers are raw from hours of painting. why do i need such a big canvas? i want to paint. paint what? my mind is blank some days. but my hands want to paint, always. i need more canvas, just in case. in case of what?
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i paint the floor. i paint the ceiling. i paint my hands. my arms. everything must be white. the dress is too red...this is what i'm thinking. how silly & yet it seems important. zoom in. i rip the dress off. dunk it in a can of paint and begin to wash my naked body with it
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everything is white now. even me
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i'm ready to paint the canvas. with color. any color. i look down. there's an open can of paint at my feet. now looking at the floor with me, slowly zoom out. the warehouse floor is covered with open cans of paint. aLL of them white...
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of course now is when i would normally wake up screaming
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but what if i never do?

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paiNt me a blood red dRess sMeared with white paint like cReam cheeSe icing on bLood bitten lip. i paint with kisseS smudging the liNes. i paint liKe me. with wings & curious souL. add a sprinkle of woRds & gLue. so wHat if i doN't paint like picasso, monet oR you. i will paint you a red wedding dRess smeared with painT & icing aNd rip it off iF i waNt to. and you can lick my fingers clean if yOu want to...
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so. it may not be gallery style...
but it will nEver juSt be white

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(C) Copyright, MJ Calitz, 2008. Collage & edits, 2008

fire fairy

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sMile me a fAirY

& an oRanGe fLoweR

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i'm off to the dentist...

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. photographs of fairy & orange flowers taken summer 2008. photo edit, today

HapPy tHankSgivinG

to aLL my aMeriCan fRienDs

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if you are travelling, pLease travel safely. don't eat the wHole turkey. & enjoy your tiMe with family and friends...

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gobble gobble

mj ;-)

unlock me

(water paint & paper details. MJ, 2008)
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knitting scissors

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my mother say when i was a child playing with water or scissors always calmed me down. (i wonder what that says of me…) one time i cut up one of her best knitting patterns

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photo of knitting pattern from amazon.com, vintage knitting patterns. photo of scissors by "peterbox" on flikr.com. self portrait & photo edit, MJ Calitz 2008.

drip me a butterfly

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...shred me a butterfly wing to use as a looking glass dripping purple & virginal on hearts cut of yellowed newspapers crying heavy fears of yesterdays sorrow…light me a tea candle floating b'tween rose petals moaning love & no no never leave…drip me an oil'd rainbow waxed lyrical like a symphony in black and pearls rolling on my tongue like a beautiful scream. then color me green...

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz 2008. Picture taken 09/02/08 at Goldengate Park San Fransisco. i just added some rain drops...

noT an aNgel oR a doLL

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she send me to boarding school. she send me to church. she fed me smiLey faces plucked from uNder her shoes. she said if i could pRetty pLease be a good girl
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then he painted me scaRLet with his fingers
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sHe said if i could pretty please be a good girl
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so i was. but i always dreamt of loVers in the backseats of fLying cars & peace held like stOnes in my palms. paint me a whore with a porcelain smiLe. glue me a maSk. or sunglasses covering my resTless eyes
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no. i neveR was an angel
and i couldn't be thiS…tHis porcelain doll
who couldn't speaK or eat or curse
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so i did things…things good girls no nEver would do. things i aLmost couldn't say out loud. i started to curse i stopped going to church. i tattooed things with wings on my skin so i wouldn't ever agaiN get confused. i took lovers. i took them deeP into my freckled souL as if finding hoMe. then i watched them fLy away like moths leaviNg my flame
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life is a journey. you chooSe
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& like a butterfLy in a glass bottle
i did what gooD girls do. i stayed
i stayed
i stayed
alive
sane
married
i capture mySelf (i set me fRee)
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i cHoose
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sometimes i think i'm bEautiful

& sometimes i think i'm loSt
& sometimes i find peace

like a smooth pebble inSide my palm
but always aLways, i am mE
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and there is so much moRe to say than i am nOt an angel.

oR a doll…
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(C) Copyright & collage MJ Calitz, 2008

i circle my moons

(oil pastels & water colors, 2008)

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leT iT sNoW

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firSt sNoW of tHe seAsoN, faLLinG oN thE grOunD

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WEATHER FORECAST 4 TODAY:

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Low 24F, High 37F

Feels like 32F

Occassional Snow Showers

Wind: Calm

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Pictures taken this morning

eyes 4c

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eyE see witH my Little i deeP iNtO youR windoWs & oPeN dooRs paiNtinG youR souLs all tHe coLors thaT eyeS can be. GReeN mE bLue i LoVe bRown & gRey are You. framed by lashes bLack blonde sasHes cuRLing liKe viNes & rambling rose aRouNd mY heaRt. arouNd inSide like wormS iNsidE appLes. yoUr i'S, theY wHispeR secReTs BeautiFul secrets uRgent seCrets disHeartened secreTs. muTe secRets. eNteR mE. nO neeD to sPeaK. eye sEE yOu through youR EyeS ReflectiNg t.r.u.e.

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. poem & collage 2008

melt me

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i want to cuRl up on your pillow. meLt in your mouth...
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz 2008

hugging earth

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sunday afternoon. he shakes the tree. it rains leaves like hearts on fire like love letters kissing the earth like you made me feel alive. but winter is coming & leaves are dying. soon it will snow again and millions of tiny snowflakes will touch it's lips to the earth instead falling falling on the ground. not shattering, no. just softly gathering like filigree paper angels joined by the hands & layered ad infinitum. fast forward time. look love, they float. they form an ice blanket hugging earth. rewind. we sit on porch steps. i wrap my arms around him from behind. i kiss his neck even if he shivers. sun is warm today & earth is round. and you are never never and so far away…

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008. Winter photograph taken by David Calitz. Autumn photograph, self portrait & photo edits, MJ Calitz 2008.

soul wings

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i am daRk i am light
i'm mood swings & soul wings
i hurt & i smile i curse & i kiss
i ache i heal i fall i gEt up
i cry like a child i giggle (i do!)
i forGive
i grow like a weed, like a herb
i survive
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i am sweet i'm annoying
i'm stubborn i'm a pleaser
i'm an angel i'm nOt an angel
i'm restless i am free
i sulk i complain
i give thaNks i give joy
i want it (& i want in now)
i aSk questions
i get fRustrated i get answers
i get surprises
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i'm a rose in your nose
the thorn in your side
i doN't leave easily
i'm noT easy to leave
i feel too much
you cry, i cry
you shout, i shrivel
your anger iSn't mine
there's a time bomb in my head
peaCe in my soul
i talk too damn much
i don't say enough words
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i write poetry i aM poetry
i'm the words & the meanings,
the rhythm & the rhyme
i make aRt i am art maDe by god
i'm yellow paint on your fingers,
blood red on your heart
i'm a sTar i hitch rides on stars
i send kisses near & far
i need love (lots of it…
loVe me See me…)
i collect love like stamps
i make love i radiate love
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i'm fLawed i am perfect
i'm scared i am brave
i am sillY i am selfish
i'm sexy & such a bore
i'm a warrior & a peacemaker,
a prude & a whore
i'm wise i'm childish
i'm pRetty i'm a foOl
i'm a dreamer, a steamer,
a drama mama queener
i'm too loud i'm too small
i'm ugly and bEautiful
i'm naughty i'm a flirt
i'm critical & oh so sensible
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i grew up in a boX
there iS no box
i'm a prisoner of this body
my soul fLy free
i'm like you
i am different i am Me
i am particles of you
i Am god &godess
i'm so very human
i am mE
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz 2008. photo edit 2008.

to be a bird

(collage 2008)

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we are who we are

& "perfect" isn't the point

LIVING life is.
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EXPERIENCE everything

CREATE, even if you think it's silly

LOVE, even if you're scared

be you. be happy

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...and in the words of Armand in the movie CHOCOLAT, "don't worry so much about supposed too's"

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conversation

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your skin

is what i missed

before i met you
& for you,

my fingernails

are your skin

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so maybe we have a private language
that i haven't understood before now

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

in the city

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Chicago, Illinois

(i took these pictures from inside the car while we drove through the city)

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betWeen the eyeLashes

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e.n.e.r.g.y.
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in the sPaCe
betWeen the spaces
in the tiMe
between the times
that's wHere we send
our ecstacy, teaRs
& lies
that's where we meeT
soul kiSsing soul
poet
echoing pOet
in the song of lifE
that's wheRe we dance
slow & deep
that's where lovers plaY
teAsing chance
but soMetimes
aLL we leave beHind is
loNging & tEars
longing…
& teaRs
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i aM the universe &
she is you & me and everything we see
wE are her voiCe
so miNd what you sAy
what you thinK wHat you do

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heaL us
doN't hurt

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i left too many tears...

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i am too deep, stuck upside down inside this wound rooted only to the earth by my stubborn feet kicking you away like a silly dream. i hang from your fingertips your arms stretching over the top of the step ladder reaching for me through the camera lens. erased. no grip. you slide away & every time i start to heal i pick at the scabs. i bleed. i dig deeper. my fingers weep. but how deep is deep enough? & why does it feel so shallow if i'm drowning while i try to balance on an eyelash waiting for you to say something…
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waiting
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waiting
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but your lips seem to be sown together with the silence of a million hour hands ticking by…
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i slide
which side is up or down?

no grip
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i don't feel like this anymore. it's juSt a poem now and yet it's e.n.e.r.g.y too. energy felt by others and mirrored back in poetic tears...longing & tears. no more. don't hurt.

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let'S heal the world with loVe

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. collages 2008

quoting evan

i have two quotes for you today. it's from the movie "the upside of anger." the story is about a woman and her daughters coping with the disappearance of the dad. evan rachel woods' character makes a documentary about love in the movie and she says two things that stuck with me for a few days...

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"people don't know how to love. they bite rather than kiss. they slap rather than stroke"

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&

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"the truth is at best a partially told story"

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painting daisies

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time has imprinted my eye with a million daisy petals plucked from your heart with hope growing roots in my feet, then leaving, then growing & fairy wings stretching, stretching me…pluck no more. i am tired of searching. tired of heartbreak.
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thiS is the picture i have painted…
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i am the painter
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then tell me, why does a white canvas intimidate me so?
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nO. doN't. say a word. i know the answer

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008. pictures taken & edited, 2008.

burst the bubble

(collage 2008)

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not a duck

(collage & edit, 2008)

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this morning i wondered...where did this painting come from? hmmm...maybe because i had a recent conversation with someone about the wiccan religion and a children's song that got stuck in my head called "eendjies, eendjies" (ducklings ducklings)...the song is about ducks walking in a row to the pond...one two three four/left right left right/very tame/no questions asked. i always pretended to be a duck to maintain the status quo...

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i call this photo "sometimes i swim upstream"

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quote of the day:

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"all i need is inside me"

- sinead o'connor. song: "i feel so different" -

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this music...sinead. album: "i do not want what i haven't got," tori amos: "little earthquakes," U2: "achtung baby"...it reminds me of my student years, more specifically graduation year, when i started to learn that

i don't have to walk in the row...

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vulnerable & centered

(apologies to those who read my blog via e-mail. i had to edit this one quite a few times...alignment and images that didn't want to be enlarged so it could be read, etc. sorry! & thank you SO much for reading...) i'm going in for surgery tomorrow and will take some time off to recover. in the mean time, have this…aLL of this

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technically this photograph is a flop, but i love it. i love that the sunset paints the ocean a soft golden hue. i love the silhouettes. but mostly i love the rainbow umbrella. beauty is in the eye of the beholder, yes? maybe it doesn't have to be so perfect always...maybe sometimes it can be a little dark or a little saturated…

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One of my creative muses, helenina, said this recently:
"…When we dare give birth to something and put it out there. make it real. Give it life. face it. we cannot protect it anymore. it's no longer a secret. No longer inside. You feel so weak then…"

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…i feel vulnerable some days when i share very personal things about myself, being so honest…naked. open for criticism. & it's not a secret anymore. i cannot pretend that it didn't happen. but i force myself to do this as much as possible because it keeps me authentic. and maybe through my vulnerability i give something back to the world…something you can relate to or something that helps you make more sense of your world…

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so, here is my vulnerability for today…i've been feeling a little out of sorts lately…just generally unbalanced and tired & not always liking myself. i attribute this to all that sensory overload on the road trip, being out of routine & sharing space (sometimes uncomfortably small spaces) with others for such a long time, the bleeding and side effects of medication. & loosing a friend…all this seems overwhelming to me at times specially coupled with my feelings of not enoughness sprouting & growing during this time.

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I kept a journal on the trip which helped me to unload on days when I needed it the most, burn some creative energy and have fun. Here is an extract about not liking myself on that specific day…I am not sharing this for the negative value of it, but so you'll understand at least some of my mindset before you read the rest…

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The next extract is me connecting threads in my head…asking questions, being brutally and sometimes embarrassingly honest, finding my own answers (sometimes) and just trying to make sense of too many thoughts flowing together. It's about concepts such as selfish vs. centered, dreamer vs. reality, fears & loving yourself. Yes, it's long-ish (one page) and very personal, but I will take a chance here and share it with you because maybe it makes something fall into place for you if you have similar questions. Something i did not discuss here but that made me think about "our children" was a conversation i had with my sister in law about the children becoming more emphatic on much deeper levels than we are and in fact their generation is being called things like "indigo kids", but who will help them make sense of these emotions if we are too busy trying to look so politically & morally correct?

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Click on this link to read:

http://picasaweb.google.com/SmileGRL34/WRapYOurLeGsARouNdTHis?authkey=cULIu9kP0MY#5259664811861487458

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so i made this picture with my imperfect beach photograph...

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i embrace my imperfection
it is okay to be me
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even if i am sometimes not my sunny side
even if i am loved differently than what i expected
i will always be me
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and that is okay
it is enough
it is what it should be
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i'm learning that there really is no prince charming on a white horse that's going to come save me (not just from my marriage, but from my life). i'm trying to be more present in my life right now. give it a chance. not just pack up and go find greener grass because i think i'm supposed to be loved differently. no. my life isn't that bad. it's just not what i expected it to be. and maybe i need to put on different glasses and re-evaluate things...

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i am loved by my husband and he is very much my safety net on more levels than one

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yesterday i read an article on the internet from redbook magazine, "8 things no one tells you about marriage" here's a link: http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/advice/no-one-tells-marriage?ha=1 this part made me think:

"...once you let go of all the hokey stories of eternal bliss, you find that the reality of marriage is far richer and more rewarding than you ever could have guessed. Hard, yes. Frustrating, yes. But full of its own powerful, quiet enchantments just the same, and that's better than any fairy tale..."

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i will leave you on this note and share again in a few days. be well & be loved

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(C) MJ Calitz. pictures taken & edited 2008

be glad...

(oil pastels & water colors, 2008)

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this is all

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this is all there is left

2 pages of words

& some images burnt into my mind

you chose to fly away...

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my heart bleeds a bird frozen in vain

while time ticks away

i could choose to stay here

but i grow trees from my brain

file everything under "life"

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this is all there is

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& i am done with it

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

(pictures: text, layering & editing & dualbrush pen, 2008)

in transito

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sometimes i am proud, afraid and in pain
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but mostly i am in transito
from fear to love
from pride to grace
from pain to peace
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and sometimes,
for a moment,
i arrive
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008. picture taken & edited 2008

i will not be fear

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like poetry rolling from her tongue she licks imaginary envelopes & stamps while she doesn't sleep sending words of sorrow into the universe. heart is breaking throat is aching echoing the sound of each word he does noT write and the deafening silence in between. too loud. too long. two souls ripped apart by…wHat? fear? isn't it aLways fear that constantly threatens to rip things apart…no. NO. not thiNgs. heaRts. his heart. my heart. her heart. our hearts are brOken by the tragedy of liFe and we are only finger puppets reading the lines because we do not daRe to be different do not dare to loVe withouT fear. broKen. the world is siCk & cRuel. but i wiLL not do aNything lying down anymore. i will nOt be tears. i will not bE fear.

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008. pictures taken & edited 2008