noT an aNgel oR a doLL

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she send me to boarding school. she send me to church. she fed me smiLey faces plucked from uNder her shoes. she said if i could pRetty pLease be a good girl
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then he painted me scaRLet with his fingers
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sHe said if i could pretty please be a good girl
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so i was. but i always dreamt of loVers in the backseats of fLying cars & peace held like stOnes in my palms. paint me a whore with a porcelain smiLe. glue me a maSk. or sunglasses covering my resTless eyes
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no. i neveR was an angel
and i couldn't be thiS…tHis porcelain doll
who couldn't speaK or eat or curse
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so i did things…things good girls no nEver would do. things i aLmost couldn't say out loud. i started to curse i stopped going to church. i tattooed things with wings on my skin so i wouldn't ever agaiN get confused. i took lovers. i took them deeP into my freckled souL as if finding hoMe. then i watched them fLy away like moths leaviNg my flame
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life is a journey. you chooSe
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& like a butterfLy in a glass bottle
i did what gooD girls do. i stayed
i stayed
i stayed
alive
sane
married
i capture mySelf (i set me fRee)
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i cHoose
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sometimes i think i'm bEautiful

& sometimes i think i'm loSt
& sometimes i find peace

like a smooth pebble inSide my palm
but always aLways, i am mE
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and there is so much moRe to say than i am nOt an angel.

oR a doll…
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(C) Copyright & collage MJ Calitz, 2008