(apologies to those who read my blog via e-mail. i had to edit this one quite a few times...alignment and images that didn't want to be enlarged so it could be read, etc. sorry! & thank you SO much for reading...) i'm going in for surgery tomorrow and will take some time off to recover. in the mean time, have this…aLL of this
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*technically this photograph is a flop, but i love it. i love that the sunset paints the ocean a soft golden hue. i love the silhouettes. but mostly i love the rainbow umbrella. beauty is in the eye of the beholder, yes? maybe it doesn't have to be so perfect always...maybe sometimes it can be a little dark or a little saturated…
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One of my creative muses, helenina, said this recently:
"…When we dare give birth to something and put it out there. make it real. Give it life. face it. we cannot protect it anymore. it's no longer a secret. No longer inside. You feel so weak then…"
"…When we dare give birth to something and put it out there. make it real. Give it life. face it. we cannot protect it anymore. it's no longer a secret. No longer inside. You feel so weak then…"
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…i feel vulnerable some days when i share very personal things about myself, being so honest…naked. open for criticism. & it's not a secret anymore. i cannot pretend that it didn't happen. but i force myself to do this as much as possible because it keeps me authentic. and maybe through my vulnerability i give something back to the world…something you can relate to or something that helps you make more sense of your world…
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so, here is my vulnerability for today…i've been feeling a little out of sorts lately…just generally unbalanced and tired & not always liking myself. i attribute this to all that sensory overload on the road trip, being out of routine & sharing space (sometimes uncomfortably small spaces) with others for such a long time, the bleeding and side effects of medication. & loosing a friend…all this seems overwhelming to me at times specially coupled with my feelings of not enoughness sprouting & growing during this time.
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I kept a journal on the trip which helped me to unload on days when I needed it the most, burn some creative energy and have fun. Here is an extract about not liking myself on that specific day…I am not sharing this for the negative value of it, but so you'll understand at least some of my mindset before you read the rest… *
The next extract is me connecting threads in my head…asking questions, being brutally and sometimes embarrassingly honest, finding my own answers (sometimes) and just trying to make sense of too many thoughts flowing together. It's about concepts such as selfish vs. centered, dreamer vs. reality, fears & loving yourself. Yes, it's long-ish (one page) and very personal, but I will take a chance here and share it with you because maybe it makes something fall into place for you if you have similar questions. Something i did not discuss here but that made me think about "our children" was a conversation i had with my sister in law about the children becoming more emphatic on much deeper levels than we are and in fact their generation is being called things like "indigo kids", but who will help them make sense of these emotions if we are too busy trying to look so politically & morally correct?
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Click on this link to read:
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so i made this picture with my imperfect beach photograph...
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* i embrace my imperfection
it is okay to be me
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even if i am sometimes not my sunny side
even if i am loved differently than what i expected
i will always be me
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and that is okay
it is enough
it is what it should be
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i'm learning that there really is no prince charming on a white horse that's going to come save me (not just from my marriage, but from my life). i'm trying to be more present in my life right now. give it a chance. not just pack up and go find greener grass because i think i'm supposed to be loved differently. no. my life isn't that bad. it's just not what i expected it to be. and maybe i need to put on different glasses and re-evaluate things...
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i am loved by my husband and he is very much my safety net on more levels than one
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yesterday i read an article on the internet from redbook magazine, "8 things no one tells you about marriage" here's a link: http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/advice/no-one-tells-marriage?ha=1 this part made me think:
"...once you let go of all the hokey stories of eternal bliss, you find that the reality of marriage is far richer and more rewarding than you ever could have guessed. Hard, yes. Frustrating, yes. But full of its own powerful, quiet enchantments just the same, and that's better than any fairy tale..."
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i will leave you on this note and share again in a few days. be well & be loved
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(C) MJ Calitz. pictures taken & edited 2008
