thiNk about it...

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Watch this documentary..."I am" by Tom Shadyac, or the "Super Soul Sunday" episode called "What is wrong with our world?" containing this documentary. It is about the misconceptions of our world/our culture that causes the "illness" of the human race and our world, who we really are, what heals us and how we as individuals can change the world. Watch it, digest it and begin the discussion, asking "What is wrong with the picture of this world we are living in and how can I make a difference where I am?" (I found this on the OWN TV network)
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Also watch the documentary "Nostradamus 2012," keeping in mind that soon it could be the end of the world as we know it bringing with it destruction of epic proportions, taking away everything we so greedily abuse and take for granted and/OR it could be the dawn of the age of Aquarius bringing a new way of living based on hope and enlightenment OR everything could go on as is, but is that really what we want? (I found this on one of the history channels, H2, I think)
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Take whatever you want to take from these two amazing documentaries, but know that you can not watch these documentaries and just shrug your shoulders. These are wake up calls designed to make you think and hopefully act in which ever small or big way that you are comfortable with or feel you can do.
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So these are the questions I want to give to you to start either your own internal discussion, or your discussion with whoever is in your world...Do you REALLY think the world we live in is okay? Is it okay to be ignorant? WHY? (apply this question to anything that doesn't make sense to you.) What is my REAL purpose on earth? What SMALL thing can I do to make it better on some level? Do I really need ALL of this or can I give some of it to someone who needs it more? What makes me feel better/happy/healthy? What small changes can I make to my life to be more spiritual/to CONNECT more to what matters most? How can I be of SERVICE to humanity...or to God/the Universe/the Greater Creative Energy/Life in my own humble way? What am I really GRATEFUL for? Who needs to know that I LOVE them? Who can I FORGIVE (including myself)? What kind of ENERGY am I sending into the Universe? Am I making myself/my relationships/my world more ill or am I healing it? What noise can I cut out of my life? What is my PASSION, and if I'm not living it, why am I not living it? Who and what really matters? How can I be part of the solution?
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And to end today's blog, these are my thoughts right now on everything I've learned so far, spirituality, doomsday predictions, evolution, LIFE, etc...The more information I get, the more I understand that there are many ways of looking at these things... and at best, most efforts of making sense of it all, are best guesses and personal opinions mixed in with science and the mystical. It doesn't help us to ignore all the possibilities, neither does it help to get obsessed about any one or more parts of it. The best things that we can do for ourselves, our evolution and our world, is to find what is true for us and strive to be open minded and flexible, to be willing to grow and learn form our experiences both good and bad, and to live our highest possible lives from a spiritual platform of compassion, respect, gratitude and service.
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2012

books that can change your life

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Hello my dears...it's been a while. Sorry about that! I've been meaning to get back to you, but I've been SO busy reading reading reading and learning learning learning that time has slipped through my intention.
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What am I learning?
I'm like a sponge right now, learning about essentials oils, pottery, knitting and crocheting, learning Spanish, learning how to heal myself and let go of old and negative patterns, learning how to communicate with more honesty and compassion (specially with those hard to deal with individuals), learning positivity, patience, flexibility, learning how to give and receive, and how to be grounded, centered and connected.
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And in between
there are taxes to be dealt with, passports to be renewed, healthy eating and exercise, volunteering at the pottery studio, occasional yoga & qigong, friends to enjoy and life in general.
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What am I reading? What did I read? And what is on my wishlist to be read? (in no particular order and including some ancient reading material I'll always recommend ) -

• "Shift Happens" by Robert Holden
• "How to not be afraid of your own life" by Susan Piver
• "In the meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant
• "The essential oils handbook" by Jennie Harding
• and "The little book of aromatherapy" by Kathi Keville
  
• "Falling for me" by Anna David
• "The happiness project" by Gretchen Rubin
• "500 Animals in clay" by Lark Books
• "The basics of throwing" by David Cohen
  
• "Disarming the narcissist" by Wendy T Behary
• "You can heal your life" by Louise Hay
• "The life you were born to live" by Dan Millman
• "The art of uncertainty" by Dennis Merrit Jones
• "Crochet bouquet" by Suzann Thompson
• and "100 Flowers to knit and crochet" by Lesley Stanfield
  
• "One day, my soul just opened up" by Iyanla Vanzant
• and "Yesterday I cried" by Iyanla Vanzant
• "The book of awakening" by Mark Nepo
• "Soul pancake. Chew on life's big questions" by Rainn Wilson
  
• "The last lecture" by Randy Pausch
• and "Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom
• " Broken open" by Elizabeth Lesser
• and "Eat, pray, love" by Elizabeth Gilbert
• Anything by Eckart Tolle, Garry Zukov or Wayne Dyer
• "Chakra tonics" by Elise Marie Collins
• "Reinventing your life" by Jeffrey Young
• "Spanish for dummies" by Susana Wald and Cecie Kraynak
• And "Spanish" by Onlingo (audio)
  
• "Mister God this is Anna" by Fynn
• "Conversations with God" by Neale Donald Walsch
• "Sacred contracts" (audio book) by Caroline Myss

I think I'm about two thirds through this list :P (and there will be many more to add)
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So that's what I wanted to share with you today. Hope all is well in your world.
Love, MJ

flower

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(C) Pottery & mixed media art in these pictures, MJ Calitz 2011

listen with your liver

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"Listening is being able to hear what others are saying without having to take it personally or feeling the need to justify your thoughts or feelings. The more we can listen the more we can truly understand what others are trying to say and that can spare us from a lot of needless conflict." - Daniel Dowd -
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the truth about love

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LOVE IS NOT a fantasy. Love is not a prison. Love is not about how desirable or how enough you are (or not). Love is not about what you need. Love is not about supposed to’s. Love is not about ignoring yourself, controlling someone or being diminished. Love does not hurt. Love is not about being perfect. Love is not about making you happy.
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LOVE IS a mirror. Love is a soul contract. Love is about teaching you who you are and what you want. Love is about choosing to be here. Love changes you. Love lets you be who you are. Love is about honesty, generosity, forgiveness. Love heals you. Love, like life, is designed to make you stretch and grow and become the person you’ve always been, but forgot you were. Love expands your soul. Love makes you strong. Love makes you whole.
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2008 & 2012

you're on your way

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If you're like me, you'll know what I'm talking about when I say that I've been living "IN THE MEANTIME"...neither here nor there...not always feeling 100% at ease in your own skin...not quite happy with where you are, always looking for the thing or the person that will gently catch your fluttering wings, calm your frazzled mind and allow you to become who you were meant to be.
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This also includes people in in between situations...being in between jobs or relationships, being in the process of moving or immigrating, waiting for the right person, the right job, the right moment to leave, waiting to get pregnant, skinny, rich, WAITING for the right moment to jump into life (or almost all of the above in my case)...Whatever it may be, it's about not being fully present, fully grounded, fully alive and it's not a happy, content place to be. It's always a little FOGGY in "in the meantime-ville." You have not arrived yet and you're not necessarily sure where you are going or how to get there or sometimes even if things are really that bad.
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You might find yourself feeling TRAPPED in a relationship or a place that makes you feel restless, anxious, not yourself. In fact being in such limbo usually brings out the worst in you and you find yourself often wondering...WHO IS THIS PERSON I've become...this angry person, or this pathetic person being so scared or passive? You find yourself doing or saying things you've never thought you would, grabbing onto every little piece of driftwood (or drift-person) or hiding in carefully constructed "safety zones" or rituals. You don't really like yourself much when you're like this but you don't know how to get up and out of your head and join this thing called LIFE.
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Sadly most people living here, in in the meantime, believes that the power that is supposed to elevate you into becoming "THE REAL YOU" is to be found outside of themselves and they never quite get there, because the truth is, the power is not outside of you in another person or another job, etc. The power is INSIDE you...the power to be present and awake and steering your life in the direction you want it to go. I've realized this a while ago, but I still have a hard time fully living it.
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Now look...there are those people, we all know people like this, who are assertive and sure of themselves and take the bull by the horns, who are quick to say, stop whining and just do it. But here's the thing, IT'S NOT ALWAYS THAT SIMPLE. Because if you are a spiritual person you will know that (1) we all have different personal and spiritual paths to walk and (2) there are behind the scenes forces influencing your life and soul contracts that pulls you in to be in certain relationships and live out karmic energies. This is why we sometimes find ourselves in relationships where we are forced to be outside of our comfort zones, forced to deal with things that hurts us, forced to examine our situations and to find new ways to deal with life and new belief systems.
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THE WHOLE PROCESS OF LIFE IS DESIGNED TO MAKE YOU LEARN AND GROW AND EXPAND YOUR SOUL until you become who you are meant to be in this lifetime. And yes, you can choose to leave such an uncomfortable place because we as human beings have free will and sometimes this is the right choice to make. BUT, if you did not learn the lesson the Universe has intended for you to learn, you'll find that the same things keep happening over and over to you. And they get worse. This is the Universe whispering and whispering to you until the whispers becomes brick walls falling down on you. If three different sources tell you the same thing, you need to LISTEN because that is not a coincidence. You have a spiritual path you cannot escape. We are not just little ants trying to physically survive. Your life (and love) is designed to teach you certain things and everything in your life steers you in that direction whether you are aware of it or not, whether you want it to be so or not.
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Now...you can CHOOSE to ignore this and keep on running from it, keep on bumping your head, or keep on living in in the meantime-ville. OR you can get quiet and attentive to your life, BECOME AWARE of the patterns and the people you keep on attracting, the things you are forced to deal with and the lessons you can learn from every situation...if you are totally clueless about what this is, get more quiet and more attentive. Meditate. This centers you, opens you up to healing, calms you. Or... pray for guidance, read books, talk to other spiritual people, SEARCH for ways to become more tuned in and to balance your energies and to open your mind. This process is amazing. The more you pay attention, educate yourself, open yourself up to the possibilities and process, THE MORE YOU GET. It's like water dripping from a frozen faucet and the more you let the sun shine on it, the more water is let through.
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This is where I am now. I'm trying different things, opening new energy paths, investing in my own wellness. We can't always see where we are going, or we know where we'd like to be, but don't know how to get there. If you don't CHANGE something in your life, as little or as much as you are comfortable with, you can't expect your life to change. There are millions of "TOOLS"...pray, meditate, visualize, healing music, centering exercise, oils, attempt to change one attitude or habit you don't like, choose to react differently to something negative, add a ritual, become more flexible, more compassionate, more forgiving...begin with yourself.
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Here's something I just recently learned...IT'S OKAY to be in the meantime, to slow down and be where you are. It's okay to make mistakes and bad choices in the process of struggling through these hard life lessons. Grieve if you need to grieve, rebel, fight, find your footing, then search for a better way, an honest way, a higher way that will allow you to move forward and not stay stuck. Set your intention every day to grow and learn and be open and flexible so that you can RELAX INTO YOUR LIFE, into who you've always been.
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TOOLS I'M USING RIGHT NOW:

• Book: "In the Meantime. Finding yourself and the love you want" by Iyanla Vanzant (This book is genius! It's forgiving. It's teaching. It's easy to read and totally eye opening.)
  
• Book: "Shift happens" by Robert Holden
• Meditation
• Praying
• Visualization of how I want my life to be
• Essential Lavender oil and Bio oil, dripped in my bath or rubbed on my skin. And there are a lot of awesome oils for specific needs.
• Exercise: Yoga, specially yoga practices that focuses on flexibility and stress relief
• Exercise: Qigong (Breathing and Slow moving exercises balancing your chi/ life energy. I just started this class and it's really cool!)
• A friend recently offered to give me a cranial massage (helping to clear chakras and promote energy flow) if I teach her to knit.
  
• Paying attention to my instincts, little messages life sends, music that speaks to me, my patterns, bad habits and negative behaviors in a neutral, non judgmental, compassionate way.
• This song is currently soothing to me: "Heel over" by KT Tunstall from her "Eye to the telescope" album. Also the "Relaxation for Women" cd from the "Lifescapes" series helps me to calm down when I'm too frazzled to meditate.
• Being proud of myself, of how far I've come, of every little victory, of showing up for new healing rituals and practices and letting go of negative ones
• Choosing to be present and honest in my communication and time spend with loved ones no matter how uncomfortable. (And this doesn't always go so well, because I'm still very clumsy and unsure, but just the intention and every little attempt is a step in the right direction.)
• Trusting that God/The Universe/The Greater Creative Energy knows what's best. Learning to be more flexible, patient and forgiving, specially with myself, even forgiving myself for being impatient or falling back on old habits.

The spiritual path is not always the easy path, but it's the only path that will allow you to become all that you are meant to be.

(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2011

about energy, intentions, praying and blessings

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I hope you don't think I'm this preachy person who tells you how to live your life all the time, because I really don’t know it all and I’m struggling with all of this myself, but here’s the thing…I feel the urge to share my spiritual experiences with you from time to time (which is all the time lately) because maybe someone gets something from it. It’s my way of giving back because I’m grateful for being so blessed in this way.
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Okay, so…I get these foggy periods of time when frustration boils up until I have what I call emotional meltdowns where I rebel against God until all that is left is nothing but a plea for help with whatever I’m struggling with at the time and, I kid you not, the very next day I usually get some kind of wisdom which literally addresses my concerns of the moment.
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For example, I’ve been struggling with resentment for a while now and then what do I get the day after one of those meltdowns last week?…a TV show about energy and intentions, directly addressing the issue of resentment, which I have recorded weeks ago and scrolled over until that day not knowing exactly what it was going to be about. Isn’t that mind boggling and brilliant. Sometimes it's a TV show, sometimes it's a book, or an aha-moment or something someone says to me as a matter of fact, but no matter how, I get these clear answers from Someone. A lot of people will probably laugh at me, but I honestly believe that if you ask the right question stripped of all the bullshit and motives and greed, you will get the answers, because God truly wants us to evolve and become all that we are meant to be.
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This is what I’m learning right now…
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ABOUT ENERGY AND INTENTIONS -
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Newton’s third law of motion: what goes around comes around. The energy you are putting out is coming back to you all the time whether you recognize it or not. Action. Reaction. If you are angry or judgmental with yourself, you are going to draw to you angry and judgmental people. (What are you drawing to yourself?)
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Reacting is an opportunity to step back and say, wait a second, I’m going to react in a different more evolved way and send out a different energy, which is going to change the energy that comes back.
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Your desire to improve creates new energy paths that allow you to do better. (When you know better, you do better.)
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Intention is everything. Love is the ultimate intention. Love covers a multitude of sins. Love heals bad karma. (Remember to love yourself, forgive yourself, be kind to yourself too.)
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If you feel resentment, remember that you don’t HAVE to do anything. What if you just said no. So make the choice to either do it and do it with love, or don’t do it. If you continually do things that you don’t want to do that is causing you resentment, ask yourself, why are you doing it. If you have the disease to please, the message you send out to others is that you will say yes, whether you want to or not. Before you do anything, stop to clarify your honest intentions.
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You are allowed to say “I don’t know” and you’re allowed to ask for as much time as you need and if whomever are involved don’t want to give you that time, they are allowed to leave. Don’t just say “yes” because that’s what’s expected.
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Don’t be holier than though about choosing to love or give or grow. Don’t buy into being “the savior” or the “superior being.” Choose to learn and give and grow because you see the true benefit.
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And whatever you are constantly repeating in your head, change it from negative to positive.
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ABOUT PRAYING -
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Don’t be afraid to share your feelings and struggles with God. If you get angry with Him, a lightening bolt won’t come down and strike you dead. Be honest (even if it’s ugly) and open and acknowledge your intentions and short comings. Admit if you don’t know the answer or the way forward. Ask for what you need.
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Learn to differentiate between wishes and intentions. A wish often comes from what isn’t working in our lives. An intention comes from a more soulful place. It’s a head goal vs. a soul goal. Realize that it’s not just about you…ask, for example “if this is in the best (highest) interest of both me and those around me, then please allow it to happen”. Learn to ask clearly for what you want. Be careful what you ask for it often comes back in the form of a life lesson rather than a gift.
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Trust that the Universe/God/the Greater Creative Energy knows what is best and that even if you don’t get an answer or resolution when you expect it, there are behind the scenes forces at work and wheels turning.
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ABOUT LIVING A SPIRITUAL LIFE -
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Practice spirituality, whatever that means to you. Meditate. “You can only see your reflection in still waters.” “Be still and know that I am God.”
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Give. Forgive. Love. Thank.
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Be kind to yourself and to others. It is always possible to take a step back and see the bigger picture. Choose compassion.
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Everybody is going through their own personal crisis at any given time. Nobody is perfect, not even rock stars and we all make bad choices at some point in our lives. Realize that every crisis, every mistake, every drama is a lesson. Learn from your painful or uncomfortable situations.
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Slow down and be present. Live in the moment. Things can change in the blink of an eye. Listen to your instincts. Be grateful for what you have, for both the sacred and the ordinary. Being present for all that is really a gift.
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Hold on to your dreams, articulate it, visualize it, believe in it, start where you are and take it one step at a time. The deepest courage we can exercise is continuing to believe in our dreams until we make them come true. It is our real job in life to recognize the power inside of us, to recognize it, connect to it and use it.
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Learn to go with the flow of your life path. Stop gripping the sides in fear or swimming upstream. Don’t fight your life, grow from it, relax into it.
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As I said previously, I don’t know it all but while I’m being blessed with wisdom passed down to me (through whatever sources and whether I learn from it myself or not) I gladly pass it on to whomever choose to read here. I’ll end today’s blog with a compassionate Buddhist blessing silently extended to passing strangers or to friends and loved ones… “May you be happy.”
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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2010

the wheel in the sky, I tell ya

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Got these songs from Alanis Morissettes's Jagged little pill acoustic album on the anniversary of my late brother's birthday... "Mary Jane" "Wake up" and "You learn"...like little gifts penetrating my mind. Made me sit up and go "...wow" ...wheels are turning.

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be vulnerable. be strong.

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This post started as:
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Instead of sitting on a heap crying about how your life didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to, why don’t you have an honest conversation with God about it and see what happens.
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Instead of wishing your life was different and judging all the people in it (including yourself), why don't you realize that the past and the people couldn’t have been any different and find it in yourself to forgive.
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And then it grew into:
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If you are struggling with self worth and allowing yourself to be abused in any shape, way or form...find your worth inside, so that it doesn't matter what others do. So that you don't allow another's actions to define you, confine you, diminish you, destroy you. So that you don't need to go search for acceptance in dangerous places or feel that you have no other choice but to stay in it. Choose to act from a place of love (and self love) instead of fear and running away. Allow yourself to see your abuser's vulnerability, remove his/her power over you and forgive both your abuser and yourself. Take a moment to sink into the hurt, the shame, the fear. Acknowledge it...all of it. Then choose to let it go. And live your life from a place of love. Be vulnerable. Be strong. Set yourself free.
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If you have become an angry person...You are never angry for the reason you think you are. What is really the deeper issue? Anger is a manifestation of fear. Fear of what? Fear of rejection. Fear of loss of control. Fear of vulnerability. Anger is a defense mechanism. It's also an energy that you send out. Choose to send positive energy into the universe instead of negative. ["Don't put anything out in God's universe that you can't look in the mirror and be proud of. Stop it." - Iyanla Vanzant"] Choose to react from a place of love, not a place of fear. Fear breeds anger, breeds hurt. Choose to stop the cycle of hurt. Be vulnerable. Be strong. Set yourself free.
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ALSO:
“Create what you want as apposed to being stuck in what you didn’t have.” - Iyanla Vanzant -
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(C) Photograph/art MJ Calitz, 2010& 2011

one step forward

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I did it. I finally opened my online etsy shop. It may seem small, but to me, it's a giant step forward. from being passive. from being "almost an artist"...to the possibility of an income (however small)...and sending my art into the world to be enjoyed by others. It's movement.
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I invite you to browse @
http://www.etsy.com/shop/foreverAlice
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ps...why foreverAlice? If you know me from Studio8, you'll know. if not...think "Alice in wonderland"
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2011

comfortably unconditionally

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This is what I told a friend this morning about putting yourself first:
Here's the thing, in order to have healthy relationships (of any kind), you need to accept yourself for who you are (the good and the "bad") and find compassion for yourself (just as you daily do for others) and truly like yourself (I know this is hard to do, but once you understand that you are enough and worthy, it becomes so much easier to give to others unconditionally... unconditionally does not mean ignoring your needs, it means truly not needing anything from someone else because you've taken care of yourself first.) This makes a huge difference in how comfortable you are in relationships and in how comfortable or uncomfortable you make others.
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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2010

see everything. judge nothing

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The answer to almost all of you existential questions is meditation. It teaches you to acknowledge your thoughts and emotions, and the people in your life, and the situations you find yourself in, without judgment. And to trust that things are exactly as they are supposed to be and that everything will work out in the end. It allows you to be open to the possibilities, be one with the universe, and in touch with your own soul. It gives you balance, perspective, acceptance, a moment of quietness from a world screaming with confusion. It moves you forward in ways that you cannot always see.
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This is not complicated. Simply take an uninterrupted moment every day to sit down and breathe and be in the moment. See everything that crosses your mind randomly. Judge nothing, make no lists, seek no solutions, have no expectations. Just breathe. And when you are ready, end with saying the word “namaste” (meaning the light in me salutes the light in you) thanking both yourself, for showing up, and the universe, for seeing you and wanting the best for you.
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The answers will present itself. Life is whispering to you about your life all the time, in the little things that scratches at the edge of your consciousness trying to give you the answers you are seeking or the warnings that you need to heed or the pushes you need to move forward. And sometimes, if you keep ignoring the whispers, it dumps a brick wall on top of you. The answers are all around us. All we need to do is still our minds with meditation and open our eyes [ears, instincts, etc.] to the possibilities.

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(C) Photographs, MJ Calitz, 2010

PLEASE READ THIS

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IT IS IMPORTANT TO FACE YOUR FEARS.
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Find out what the universe is trying to tell you, because your fears are just code for the boundaries that you need to overcome in your personal journey. Find out what's really at the core of your individual fears. What lies behind your obsessions, aggression (passive or active) and ignorance? What is blinding you to the existence of anyone or anything but your gnawing need? What do you want to make go away (by either avoiding it or fighting/hurting it) because it or they are not to your liking? What or who do you keep blaming for your circumstances that makes you pleasantly numb and/or passive in your life? What fears don't you even know about... for this, take a hard look at what keeps on repeating in your life and know that LIFE (God, the Universe) is continually busy to whisper to you and if you keep on ignoring it, it will become a brick wall that comes crashing down on you at some point.
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It is important to face your fears.
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For instance, last year out of the blue, I had this intense fear of becoming disabled and that fear only subsided when I was willing to dig for answers. I had to ask hard questions, each time going deeper until I found what it was that really scared me. And once I dealt with that, the fear faded.
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This year I dealt with a continuous fear of the possibility of torture, which is not surprising after months of listening to hours of horrendous screaming while my husband went through a horror movie craze, specifically about serial torturers and killers. I refused to watch, but I could still hear and imagine the terror unless I chose to flee my own home. Even after his craze faded, the fear returned over and over again. At first I tried to banish the thoughts and fears, then I tried to reason it away like you do with a scared child. ("Look nothing's happening, you're perfectly safe." or "Every body's scared of this, but they don't go around obsessing about it," etc) When that didn't work, I returned to banishing it as silly or trying to let it bounce off me. Without success. Until I made a link in my brain to what the threat of torture was code for: dominance. For years I've been dealing with dominant people in my life, struggling to be safe or to not be dismissed or diminished or manipulated or abused. And suddenly I realized if my fear of disability, that was really all about acceptance, was because of finding what really matters and that I am enough no matter my physical appearance or abilities, then my fear for torture, that is really about dominance, is about loving myself enough to start doing what needs to be done, to become more assertive in my life, not just vaguely, but seriously. To start LISTENING to my own instincts.
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It is important to face your fears. THEY ARE THERE TO PUSH YOU FORWARD.
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The second thing that I'm learning that is important in life is to do whatever it takes to make you happy. YES, do consider the consequences and make sure you don't hurt innocent people in the process. But also consider that sometimes the cruel thing is the compassionate kind thing to do, if that means the other person will get the opportunity to grow from it too, whether they take it or not (that is not your responsibility). The important thing is your intention, which is (1) always strive to become the fullest highest expression of your soul and (2) do no harm.
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ALSO, (1) never allow another person to diminish you. and (2) when someone shows you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM, and when a situation is futile, move on.
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Here are some good tips I got from the book I mentioned in the previous post, on how to deal with:

• OBSESSIONS - take moments to shift your focus away from the thing you crave. if you keep doing it, the moments will add up and you will eventually be able to move on.
• AGGRESSION - get perspective. it is always possible to take one more step back (to see why... find the reason behind the act or the situation) until you find your compassion again.
• IGNORANCE - keeping a journal will allow you to tune in to what may be lying beneath the surface of your unhappiness or your inability to move forward or the underlying reasons for why the same unpleasant things keep on happening to you. Ask these questions: What is it that the universe is trying to tell me? What is the lesson I need to learn?
  
• FEAR- acknowledge and explore the fear without judgment. ponder possible solutions. give it over to a higher power and trust that the answers will present itself when the time is right. if all else fails, recognize what isn't working and stop doing it.

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I know this is a long post, but if you read this, and really recognize this, you can deeply benefit by applying it to your life. Oprah says: "WHEN YOU KNOW BETTER, YOU DO BETTER," meaning once you are aware of something that is not right, you can't ignore it anymore.
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Being fearless doesn't mean being arrogant or stupid or ignorant, it means opening yourself up to finding what you need to do to move forward.

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grandmother

a picture as promised
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PS. Read this book:
"How not to be afraid of your own life" by Susan Piver
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and if you're interested in learning to crochet or pick it up again:
"Crochet" from the "Teach yourself visually" book series
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jarred memories

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Sometimes we get inspiration from the most unlikely sources. Last Friday when I got dressed for the day, I subtly felt a pull towards wearing my late paternal grandmother's antique locket. I don't usually wear it because it's this big heavy oval object and the chain is broken and amateurishly mended, but the locket still holds the original photographs my grandmother crudely cut out and placed inside. On one side is a picture of me, about 9 years old, wearing a dress she made for me, and on the other side is a picture of her, me and my late brother taken that same day. VERY sentimental. So maybe I chose to wear it for that very reason, or maybe it's because I've got this nagging feeling that started little over a year ago and occasionally pops up, that she's somehow here, with me.
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There's one thing that you have to understand about my grandmother. She was creative and fearless. About the creative part I'm very sure. She was a participant and judge in various cooking competitions and even got published in a local magazine for hosting awesome parties. And she dabbled in various arts and crafts including pottery, sewing, painting, flower arranging and everything and anything creative grabbing her attention. The fearless part is something I just felt in her spirit every time we were together. She was a brave woman who took on pig farming, lived half her life with half a stomach, permanently wore tightly curled wigs and smoked long skinny cigarettes that looked particularly glamorous to me at 9 years old. She was something of a regal entity during my growing up years. And then she got smaller and frailer and moved into a retirement home and before I could really appreciate her as an adult, she was gone. A life lived on her terms. (I'll dig up a photo and post it later.)
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So Friday, I went to the craft store to fill up on supplies and inspiration hit me from several directions. I found this beautiful apothecary jar (i'm in love with apothecary jars now) that I filled with old family pictures, found the perfect frame and background for the antique cutlery I had no clue what to do with (watch this space...), got yards of beautiful trim to finish the old traveling trunk we're restoring, and fell in love with a yarn so creamy and dreamy it makes you want to cuddle all day long. (I'll post some pics of the finished projects soon.)
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I'm convinced that part of this inspiration came from my grandmother. I've come to believe that her spirit is lingering near me for some reason. Usually something like that would freak me out, but this time, it makes me feel safe and happy. Last year a psychic friend told me that she feels a female spirit lingering around me and said something that I could only link to her and a few months later she said she was buying some antique jewelry for her shop and felt like she had to get something for me. She gave me this locket so similar to my grandmother's that it awed me.
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Okay, enough about that. Up top are some pictures of the apothecary jar filled with some of my favorite family pictures. That's my mom sitting in front of a mirror when she was about my age, my mom and dad kissing, and my maternal grandparents with my late brother. The one of my mother in front of the mirror has tiny cracks all over the surface that makes it look like a work of art. I love this jar with these photographs. It makes me smile every time I pass it.
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(C) Posted photographs, MJ Calitz, 2011

why am i?

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brother, brilliant and dead, one year ahead. mold him an imaginary gravestone with clay & dreams & dirty, hungry fingers. glaze dripping on the earth, oozing, seeping in. not dormant. but. everything is frozen. pipes & fish hibernating under papery leaves falling from skeleton trees. what if i float away like a balloon animal. a cracker animal, crunched under your feet. i drown in opaque light. don’t filter me. so why am i? filtering me. why am i? sitting here in my pj’s. why am i? just a skeleton of me. you wouldn’t approve. and he doesn’t approve anyway. me. come back to me. i need to breathe. instead i hibernate under television glare & paper excuses crumpled in my hair, floating, not seeping in. brother, why am i? here.
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(C) Poetry, MJ Calitz, 2011. Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2009, edit, 2011.

soul nuggets

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if you are an open minded person, searching for wisdom and spiritual growth, check out the following:

• Oprah's "Life class" series
• "Super Soul Sundays" TV series
• Soulpancake.com, a website about asking the big life questions and inspiring creativity. there's also a book called "Soul Pancake" by Rainn Wilson

here's some life altering quotes from the 2 Tv series that i loved:

• "the making of art is no different than prayer."
• "find a way to let the truth about yourself express itself."
• "don't live like you are constantly holding your breath."
• "you don't have to hold yourself hostage to who you use to be or anything you use to do, because who has lived and hasn't made mistakes,but when you know better, you do better."
• "life doesn't have to be what everybody else thinks it should be."
  
• "take responsibility for the energy that you bring into a room."
• aging well is not about how you look, it's about finding and cultivating your inner connection to what really matters
• "what do you not want to regret when you are 80?"
  

and the one i already shared with you, but is worth sharing again:

• "forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different."

BE OPEN TO LEARNING SOMETHING NEW AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY YOU GET AND DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK QUESTIONS.
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lifting a heart

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Quote from "the secret life of bees"
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"Some things in life don't really matter, like the color of a house. But lifting someone's heart, that matters."
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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2011

first snow

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(C) Photograps, MJ Calitz, 2011

speak to me

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today i have two random pics that spoke to me this morning for some reason. the first one is one of a young Elvis and Priscilla Presley from a home video on display when we visited Graceland last year. and the other is a pic taken at the Cadillac Ranch in Amarillo Texas, also taken last year.
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i'm not sure why they spoke to me...it might be the romantic, sentimental light captured in both, or it might be a similar color scheme that seemed particularly pleasing to my eye this morning. whatever the reason, i chose to share them with you.
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also on my mind are two quotes i've heard recently:
"whatever you do in your life will be insignificant. but it's very important that you do it." - Gandhi - quote taken from the movie "Remember me"
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"forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different"...i'm not sure who said this originally, but i heard it from Oprah on "Oprah's Life Class" series.
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and thirdly...here's something i've learned recently: the people who grant you the gift of space when you feel like you cannot speak to them (or be with them) right now, who comes back to you in a most graceful manner and say, "i understand," are the people you know you can always always call "loved one." treasure that.
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(C) Photographs, MJ Calitz, 2010.