PLEASE READ THIS

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IT IS IMPORTANT TO FACE YOUR FEARS.
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Find out what the universe is trying to tell you, because your fears are just code for the boundaries that you need to overcome in your personal journey. Find out what's really at the core of your individual fears. What lies behind your obsessions, aggression (passive or active) and ignorance? What is blinding you to the existence of anyone or anything but your gnawing need? What do you want to make go away (by either avoiding it or fighting/hurting it) because it or they are not to your liking? What or who do you keep blaming for your circumstances that makes you pleasantly numb and/or passive in your life? What fears don't you even know about... for this, take a hard look at what keeps on repeating in your life and know that LIFE (God, the Universe) is continually busy to whisper to you and if you keep on ignoring it, it will become a brick wall that comes crashing down on you at some point.
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It is important to face your fears.
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For instance, last year out of the blue, I had this intense fear of becoming disabled and that fear only subsided when I was willing to dig for answers. I had to ask hard questions, each time going deeper until I found what it was that really scared me. And once I dealt with that, the fear faded.
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This year I dealt with a continuous fear of the possibility of torture, which is not surprising after months of listening to hours of horrendous screaming while my husband went through a horror movie craze, specifically about serial torturers and killers. I refused to watch, but I could still hear and imagine the terror unless I chose to flee my own home. Even after his craze faded, the fear returned over and over again. At first I tried to banish the thoughts and fears, then I tried to reason it away like you do with a scared child. ("Look nothing's happening, you're perfectly safe." or "Every body's scared of this, but they don't go around obsessing about it," etc) When that didn't work, I returned to banishing it as silly or trying to let it bounce off me. Without success. Until I made a link in my brain to what the threat of torture was code for: dominance. For years I've been dealing with dominant people in my life, struggling to be safe or to not be dismissed or diminished or manipulated or abused. And suddenly I realized if my fear of disability, that was really all about acceptance, was because of finding what really matters and that I am enough no matter my physical appearance or abilities, then my fear for torture, that is really about dominance, is about loving myself enough to start doing what needs to be done, to become more assertive in my life, not just vaguely, but seriously. To start LISTENING to my own instincts.
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It is important to face your fears. THEY ARE THERE TO PUSH YOU FORWARD.
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The second thing that I'm learning that is important in life is to do whatever it takes to make you happy. YES, do consider the consequences and make sure you don't hurt innocent people in the process. But also consider that sometimes the cruel thing is the compassionate kind thing to do, if that means the other person will get the opportunity to grow from it too, whether they take it or not (that is not your responsibility). The important thing is your intention, which is (1) always strive to become the fullest highest expression of your soul and (2) do no harm.
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ALSO, (1) never allow another person to diminish you. and (2) when someone shows you who they really are, BELIEVE THEM, and when a situation is futile, move on.
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Here are some good tips I got from the book I mentioned in the previous post, on how to deal with:

• OBSESSIONS - take moments to shift your focus away from the thing you crave. if you keep doing it, the moments will add up and you will eventually be able to move on.
• AGGRESSION - get perspective. it is always possible to take one more step back (to see why... find the reason behind the act or the situation) until you find your compassion again.
• IGNORANCE - keeping a journal will allow you to tune in to what may be lying beneath the surface of your unhappiness or your inability to move forward or the underlying reasons for why the same unpleasant things keep on happening to you. Ask these questions: What is it that the universe is trying to tell me? What is the lesson I need to learn?
  
• FEAR- acknowledge and explore the fear without judgment. ponder possible solutions. give it over to a higher power and trust that the answers will present itself when the time is right. if all else fails, recognize what isn't working and stop doing it.

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I know this is a long post, but if you read this, and really recognize this, you can deeply benefit by applying it to your life. Oprah says: "WHEN YOU KNOW BETTER, YOU DO BETTER," meaning once you are aware of something that is not right, you can't ignore it anymore.
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Being fearless doesn't mean being arrogant or stupid or ignorant, it means opening yourself up to finding what you need to do to move forward.

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grandmother

a picture as promised
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PS. Read this book:
"How not to be afraid of your own life" by Susan Piver
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and if you're interested in learning to crochet or pick it up again:
"Crochet" from the "Teach yourself visually" book series
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jarred memories

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Sometimes we get inspiration from the most unlikely sources. Last Friday when I got dressed for the day, I subtly felt a pull towards wearing my late paternal grandmother's antique locket. I don't usually wear it because it's this big heavy oval object and the chain is broken and amateurishly mended, but the locket still holds the original photographs my grandmother crudely cut out and placed inside. On one side is a picture of me, about 9 years old, wearing a dress she made for me, and on the other side is a picture of her, me and my late brother taken that same day. VERY sentimental. So maybe I chose to wear it for that very reason, or maybe it's because I've got this nagging feeling that started little over a year ago and occasionally pops up, that she's somehow here, with me.
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There's one thing that you have to understand about my grandmother. She was creative and fearless. About the creative part I'm very sure. She was a participant and judge in various cooking competitions and even got published in a local magazine for hosting awesome parties. And she dabbled in various arts and crafts including pottery, sewing, painting, flower arranging and everything and anything creative grabbing her attention. The fearless part is something I just felt in her spirit every time we were together. She was a brave woman who took on pig farming, lived half her life with half a stomach, permanently wore tightly curled wigs and smoked long skinny cigarettes that looked particularly glamorous to me at 9 years old. She was something of a regal entity during my growing up years. And then she got smaller and frailer and moved into a retirement home and before I could really appreciate her as an adult, she was gone. A life lived on her terms. (I'll dig up a photo and post it later.)
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So Friday, I went to the craft store to fill up on supplies and inspiration hit me from several directions. I found this beautiful apothecary jar (i'm in love with apothecary jars now) that I filled with old family pictures, found the perfect frame and background for the antique cutlery I had no clue what to do with (watch this space...), got yards of beautiful trim to finish the old traveling trunk we're restoring, and fell in love with a yarn so creamy and dreamy it makes you want to cuddle all day long. (I'll post some pics of the finished projects soon.)
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I'm convinced that part of this inspiration came from my grandmother. I've come to believe that her spirit is lingering near me for some reason. Usually something like that would freak me out, but this time, it makes me feel safe and happy. Last year a psychic friend told me that she feels a female spirit lingering around me and said something that I could only link to her and a few months later she said she was buying some antique jewelry for her shop and felt like she had to get something for me. She gave me this locket so similar to my grandmother's that it awed me.
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Okay, enough about that. Up top are some pictures of the apothecary jar filled with some of my favorite family pictures. That's my mom sitting in front of a mirror when she was about my age, my mom and dad kissing, and my maternal grandparents with my late brother. The one of my mother in front of the mirror has tiny cracks all over the surface that makes it look like a work of art. I love this jar with these photographs. It makes me smile every time I pass it.
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(C) Posted photographs, MJ Calitz, 2011

why am i?

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brother, brilliant and dead, one year ahead. mold him an imaginary gravestone with clay & dreams & dirty, hungry fingers. glaze dripping on the earth, oozing, seeping in. not dormant. but. everything is frozen. pipes & fish hibernating under papery leaves falling from skeleton trees. what if i float away like a balloon animal. a cracker animal, crunched under your feet. i drown in opaque light. don’t filter me. so why am i? filtering me. why am i? sitting here in my pj’s. why am i? just a skeleton of me. you wouldn’t approve. and he doesn’t approve anyway. me. come back to me. i need to breathe. instead i hibernate under television glare & paper excuses crumpled in my hair, floating, not seeping in. brother, why am i? here.
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(C) Poetry, MJ Calitz, 2011. Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2009, edit, 2011.

soul nuggets

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if you are an open minded person, searching for wisdom and spiritual growth, check out the following:

• Oprah's "Life class" series
• "Super Soul Sundays" TV series
• Soulpancake.com, a website about asking the big life questions and inspiring creativity. there's also a book called "Soul Pancake" by Rainn Wilson

here's some life altering quotes from the 2 Tv series that i loved:

• "the making of art is no different than prayer."
• "find a way to let the truth about yourself express itself."
• "don't live like you are constantly holding your breath."
• "you don't have to hold yourself hostage to who you use to be or anything you use to do, because who has lived and hasn't made mistakes,but when you know better, you do better."
• "life doesn't have to be what everybody else thinks it should be."
  
• "take responsibility for the energy that you bring into a room."
• aging well is not about how you look, it's about finding and cultivating your inner connection to what really matters
• "what do you not want to regret when you are 80?"
  

and the one i already shared with you, but is worth sharing again:

• "forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different."

BE OPEN TO LEARNING SOMETHING NEW AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY YOU GET AND DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK QUESTIONS.
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lifting a heart

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Quote from "the secret life of bees"
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"Some things in life don't really matter, like the color of a house. But lifting someone's heart, that matters."
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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2011

first snow

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(C) Photograps, MJ Calitz, 2011

speak to me

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today i have two random pics that spoke to me this morning for some reason. the first one is one of a young Elvis and Priscilla Presley from a home video on display when we visited Graceland last year. and the other is a pic taken at the Cadillac Ranch in Amarillo Texas, also taken last year.
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i'm not sure why they spoke to me...it might be the romantic, sentimental light captured in both, or it might be a similar color scheme that seemed particularly pleasing to my eye this morning. whatever the reason, i chose to share them with you.
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also on my mind are two quotes i've heard recently:
"whatever you do in your life will be insignificant. but it's very important that you do it." - Gandhi - quote taken from the movie "Remember me"
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and
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"forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different"...i'm not sure who said this originally, but i heard it from Oprah on "Oprah's Life Class" series.
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and thirdly...here's something i've learned recently: the people who grant you the gift of space when you feel like you cannot speak to them (or be with them) right now, who comes back to you in a most graceful manner and say, "i understand," are the people you know you can always always call "loved one." treasure that.
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(C) Photographs, MJ Calitz, 2010.

inner balance

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Look at the pictures of this old barn. Yes, it's fragile, old, broken, peeling and to be honest a bit sad when you start to focus on all it's imperfections. Nevertheless there's a quiet beauty that shines through the crisp autumn sun rays. And if you look at it from certain angles, it even looks a little proud, surviving the seasons, rich with history.
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This can be applied to our lives too, finding the beauty and the calm and the richness inside. You can do this exercise, if you wish:
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Sit calmly and comfortably in a quiet spot. It doesn't matter what time of the day it is. If you wish, you can do it in a cross legged yoga position with your eyes closed, but if another position feels more comfortable to you, then do that. The idea is not to follow by the book, it is to feel relaxed, but focused and be uninterrupted for a few minutes.
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Alright, once you are in this position, begin by taking a few deep cleansing breaths. As is normal with the human brain in the hectic chaotic lives that we live, thoughts will come rushing into you mind, like lists of things to be done, problems to be fixed, worries, etc. Try to resist these...not in a "go away, you are not allowed" kind of way (that will only make them more persistent), but in a "I'm letting you bounce off me like bouncy balloons" kind of way until there are no inner voices competing for attention anymore. Allow yourself a generous amount of time to achieve this balance. Keep on breathing.
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Once you've mastered this, turn your attention back to everything that is affecting you right now, whether it's past, present or future. Yes, I know this sounds counter productive, since we've just spent time trying to resist this very thing, BUT this time, we are going to use focus and calm, creating a safe, less overwhelming environment. We are not making lists. We are not solving problems. We are acknowledging our subjective reality to enter our minds one thing at a time, giving everything the recognition it deserves, but without judgment. Let me explain why...often when you ignore a petulant child, he or she will throw a tantrum to get your attention, blowing the situation out of proportion, but if you give the child recognition, without feeding the drama, the child will calm down enough for you to address the issue. Also if you take away the judgment, that takes away the need to be right/good, the fear, the rebellion. This is exactly what you're doing here.
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BY THIS TIME, YOU MIGHT WANT TO GIVE UP, BUT DON'T. You're doing a great job and you're on the way to finding your inner strength. And all of the above can be done in a matter of minutes, if you focus. Here's a breakdown of HOW TO FOCUS:
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One at a time, allow the following kinds of things to enter your mind, see them like photographs coming and going...Acknowledge your imperfections, fears, insecurities, worries, things you are having a hard time with. If need be, say, "I see you and I understand why this is hard." Remember, no judgment or trying to solve problems, just see them for what they are and let them go again, this time without worry. Send them out into the Universe and trust that things will work out. Now see your achievements, your beauty, your health, things that make you feel proud and strong. Feel the gratitude and the history of it all sink in. Next, focus on the people that touches or touched your life...the ones you loved and let go by choice or by no choice of your own, the ones still in your life, who makes you smile or worry, who hurts you, who strengthens you. See the painful times without judgment, the gift that is each and every one of them, their temporary nature. Feel the bond between souls connecting you to the heart of the universe.
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None of this needs to be in order. Let each thing flow naturally from your brain without trying to make a list and without any judgment, if you do feel judgment enter your mind, recognize that too and let it go. Nothing is wrong here. You are just giving your mind a chance to unravel the chaos and let go of the anxiety of being so overwhelmed by it all. You are letting go of expectations. You are seeing your place in the universe and acknowledging everything good and "bad." You are restoring balance.
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Lastly, return to now. See the rest of your day lying ahead of you. See it with hope. Recognize the possibility. Give yourself permission to not be perfect, but set your intentions in doing the best you can to give love, healing, creativity and or positivity back to the universe in any little way you can. Finish with some deep breathes and thank yourself for showing up and doing a good job.
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NAMASTE
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(C) Photographs, MJ Calitz, 2010

yellow kiss

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imagine a heart
tattooed on a leaf
like a yellow kiss
of autumn
breathed
and veins of a season
lived...was green
now fading
on papery perfection
preened
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(C) Photograph and verse, MJ Calitz, 2011

2011 gallery so far. yarn

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so...i got a little distracted by the pottery classes i started in August (birthday present to self), and i'll be sure to share some of my clay creations with you later. but in the mean time, here are pictures of a blanket i crocheted and knitted (above), as well as a sneak peek at some of the scarves i've finished or are still working on (below) for the etsy shop i plan on opening soon...

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(C) Knit & crochet ware, MJ Calitz, 2011

2011 gallery so far. canvas

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mixed media paintings on canvas, canvas board or muslin square. names & sizes from top left to bottom right: lace (22 x 28 inches), blue (14 x 18), life (16 x 20), the day i sat in my chair (9 x 8), bedroom (12 x 16), inside (9 x 12), and up (18 x 24). CLICK ON IMAGES TO ENLARGE
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(C) Art, MJ Calitz, 2011

read this

book: Happiness auther: Thich Nhat Hanh quote from book: "Life is full of suffering. If we don't have enough happiness on reserve, we have no means to take care of our despair."

2011 gallery so far. photography

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yes, i know...i'm not exactly the poster child for blogging these days, but in my defense i'm trying to live more in the real world (disembodied male voice over megaphone: "step away from the internet")... and hopefully quality makes up for lack of quantity. SO, that said, i plan on sharing a few "galleries" of my recent creative attempts with you within the next few days...maybe weeks...i hope... *grin*
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...beginning with the best photographs of 2011
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(C) Photography, MJ Calitz, 2011

be a bird

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so what does birds and knitting have to do with each other?
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nothing, except when my brain makes a weird and wonderful connection like this:
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knit me a bird bathing in yarn. blues and pinks, green, purple, creams and brown. "but it's summer," they say with a frown, "and scarves are for winter." "and what of it," she says and wraps its feathery wings around her neck. "if i can't be a star then i'll damn well, when i please, be a bird"
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i knitted these scarves for my next winter collection, which i plan to sell. aren't the colors and textures just scrumptious?
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and where did the bird thing came from?
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this is a little bird bathing in my garden. i took this picture just yesterday...
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...and then i couldn't resist having a bit of fun with it.
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be a bird, if you want to...have a bird bath in the sun, imitate the dance of an exotic bird or just dress as you damn well please...
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XOXOXO
mj
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(C) knitwear, photographs and weird little writings, MJ Calitz, 2011

pink

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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2011

say what you need to say

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some things just gotta be said. even if the other person never responds.
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i'm talking e-mail of course, and maybe you're wondering just what could be so important that it needs to be said, but is said in an e-mail...trust me, there are a lot of situations a person can find oneself in where e-mail is the only way to communicate, specially when there is distance that can be measured in time and/or space.
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i'm learning that THERE IS A TIME FOR EVERYTHING...a time to connect, a time to disconnect, a time to reconnect. and there is a time to say what's on your mind. sometimes it takes time to see things clearly before you can speak your mind. and sometimes you realize that you suddenly have the opportunity to say something you've been carrying around for years. in situations like these, it is a GIFT to be able to finally say what you need to say, and you gotta grab that opportunity, even if an e-mail is the only way and you have no guarantee that the other person will respond or even read it.
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i'm learning to take back my "internal locus of control"...meaning, if i believe in myself and in my point of view, and if i grow stronger as a result of it, then I DON'T NEED the other person to respond, to approve, to like me. this may all sound very self centered to you, but to a person growing up with a low self esteem and an addiction to approval, this is a good thing.
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i've also come to believe that a person will get a message if they're supposed to get it, when they're supposed to get it and they will take from it what they need to take from it. this is me, taking a step back and TRUSTING in the eternal, unfathomable, brilliant wisdom of the Universe.
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this is me saying, go ahead, say what you need to say and then let it go.
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2011

souls merge

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souls merge
you steal my calm
even when you’re
not here
i am
in you
forced to flex
higher than i have
ever gone
i am not there
yet you are
in me
merged
but separate
(souls)
(merge)
in more ways than one
mercy grinds me down
to nothing and everything
is fine
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sometimes you gotta go back to move forward

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(C) Art & poem, MJ Calitz, 2011

snapshots

life's been a little crazy and yet ridiculously brilliant this past year...the little things and the big things all flowing together to create drama and growth and amazing epiphanies. i won't rehash it all again, but before i start sharing my creative endeavors with you again, here's where i'm at...
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i had a great visit back home in SA, reconnecting with family in ways that made us more aware of each other, vulnerable and stronger. in seeing others imperfections and letting them see mine, i found tolerance and forgiveness and respect, and a more comfortable place to be together. i realized that WE ARE ALL JUST HUMAN and trying to do our best. i let go of old aches and unachievable yardsticks. i hugged the people that matters most.
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then began the process of moving from Ohio to Colorado, letting go of the house we lived in for 5 and a half years and saying goodbye to friends who have become family, trusting my possessions in the hands of strangers, dealing with troubles on the road, the unknown, the cold/flu that wouldn't end, the hotel that was too shiny, the hotel that was haunted, the dog that refused to sleep for 3 days, finding a new place to call home and unpacking everything, meeting new people and dealing with new fears and adventures. and through all this, i learned to GO WITH THE FLOW.
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but here's the most important thing i think i learned the past couple of months
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LIFE is NOT about what other people think of you. LIFE IS ABOUT surviving YOUR reality and realizing your souls UNIQUE journey. FORGET about other people's measures for success and be PROUD of how far you've come. it DOESN'T matter how brilliant or unachievable or humane/selfless another persons achievements may seem. just because yours are quieter or closer to home or seem less important, DOESN'T MEAN it ACTUALLY is less important to the universe.
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you don't need other people's approval to be happy. find your worth inside.
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every now and then
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take a picture
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of where you are
and what you have overcome
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(C) Photographs, MJ Calitz, 2008

to be continued...

we are back and had a lovely visit in SA. unfortunately i won't be able to blog for the next few weeks either, because we are moving to Denver right away. everything is a little crazy right now, so please forgive my long long long long LONG absence here. i will return as soon as we are settled in and have the internet up and running. to be continued...

xxx