surrender

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These are the questions I've been asking myself these past few weeks...why do I procrastinate so? And what is chasing me?
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You see, some mornings, I just want to crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head and hide from whatever is eating me up inside. You know that feeling too, don't you? It's that demon that gnaws on the inside of your throat. It's the thing that immobilizes you. It's a belief that is rooted deep within you by a combination of past trauma, personal survival skills, conditioning, genetics, etc. In my case, my fear of not being enough. It cripples me some days. And I have tried to fight it, but it always comes back, just like you have tried to conquer your personal demons, and failed many times. And no matter how hard we fight this thing or how many times we try, we keep failing. So we try to ignore it. We hide it from others. We bury it deeper. But it always comes back to bite us. This is the thing that secretly brings us to our knees with the sheer shame & powerlessness of it all. This is the thing that makes us feel like a failure even though others perceive us differently. This is the wall we hit, the silent enemy within. The thing that makes us want to crawl into stronger arms and whimper "I can't."
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And that is exactly what we are supposed to do. Surrender. Because, if you could conquer this thing on your own...this addiction, this fear, this belief, you would have found a way by now. Of course you would. It is in our nature to control what we fear. We are experts on this. But everything is not always in our control. Sometimes we just need to be brutally honest with ourselves & be willing to surrender our fears & our demons to a greater power. Whether you believe that power to be internal or outside of yourself, it doesn't really matter. And this giving up, this surrender, does not have to be grand or embarrassing. No. It is as simple as a request or a prayer. What matters here is that you admit to yourself that you cannot do it alone and ask for help. Ask a friend, a therapist, or that which you believe to be God. But ask. I have conquered many demons this way, including depression. There is no shame in asking for help. Sometimes we just forget or we cling to our pride.
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So last night, out of desperation, I picked up a book which I knew have several exercises on meditation in search for one that would address this ache of mine. I found one that was a perfect fit. It focuses on the general meditation technique of easing tension with breath and statements that you complete and repeat, such as "I surrender...(my fear)", "I let go of...(my expectations)" and "I quit trying to...(always be perfect)" until you feel the tension leave your body. You fill in the blanks with whatever applies for you. self examination and honesty is required here, otherwise it is a waste of time. So I tried it this morning and I feel better. It is of course not a quick fix, but with practice and the willingness to be honest with myself, always, I know that I can conquer this fear eventually. I believe that the universe wants us to be happy & will help us if we ask.
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So next time you hit a wall, try honesty, surrender & persistence. And remember that change comes by taking little steps. If you have this kind of demon, you are not alone. Let's do this together.
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(C) MJ Calitz. Photographs & edit, MJ Calitz, California 2008

float midflight

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the scene is a citadel, matrix style. i crouch graCefully on top of a concrete tRee with shiny mirrored leaves observing miniature giaNts down below. they aLL seem to know wHere to go. this is a dreaM but it couLd have been a movie if it waSn't so surreal. the phone rings. pieRcing thick white silence. the white rabbit runs. oLd mother speaks. of winged insects sCreaming in pain. & time sLiPping through. fingers grab my feaR & shaKe. her wrinkles fall into my ears like piNk lipstick smears. it's time to shed thiS skin. if i could just shrug off the fairy riding me like a wiLd mustang, kick off iMaginary stripper shoes…panic rises in my throat. i could aLways floaT. but soMe days i can't fiNd the ground. & there's nowhere leFt to hide. croSs my legs. cLose my eyes. breathe. breatHe. i become a floWer. viRginal & caLm. i float above the furry caR parked inside my souL. buildings fade. roads evaporate. the wind catches my hair miDflight. i land on clouds of miNt green. "breathe" she whiSpers softly, then disappears

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(C) Poem & art, MJ Calitz, 2009

oh andy...

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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2008

sew me a hug

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this is hug me

no specific gender or kind

just a fat belly and open arms

saying "please hug me"

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009

aliCe, where did you go?

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her voiCe was cleaR as bells on fingers
"groW me an antique hair brush
& a roSe in my hair
& i'll be the sweetheaRt that you seek.
i'll serve you creaM @ teaTime,
straWberries in crystal gLass,
shoRtbread on sticks
& vanilla coconut icing oN me"
wHat did she say? she speaks
but i doN't understand a woRd
shh! listeN.
gLue me a bird on a branch
& him inSide my eye
and i'll tell you what she said
she said, "lover,
i'll be your cake any aNy time"
how? easy would that bE
like bells on fingers easy
iNstead she hides
the laughing porcelain cat
like an abandoned egg in a neSt
he feels lonely & sO very faR away
she dreams of him @ night but.
aliCe, where did you go?
he's the candy iNside the cLock
shh! looK.
she wanders bLindly
inside her seCret garden
absentmindedly kiSsing bird beaks
& plucking minutes from trees
turN your rosy cheek. kiss kisS
so surreal. waKe up!
i love him so veRy much but.
he's noT here when here is reaL
alice, wheN did you leave?
& walt, whaT did the doorman say?
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(C) Poetry & photographs, MJ Calitz, 2008 & 2009

streams of impolite

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you might understand this lament, this ache inside, this emptiness, this void. or you might not. why is it unusual? it's just me. take my hand & lead me to that sickle moon where i last left you to wonder about life and "hold to soul. hold. hold." yes! hold. doesn't dance take you there too? deep inside your core where the ache begins and it's so sad but you don't want to leave. and strangely the piano does that too...so achingly beautiful. these words have been straining to come out. i can. play. i can't play. (no words come) control this silly cake eating fairy who yearns for clouds on her tongue. who screams. pierce my dreams. hold your tongue. hold! it's not always polite to talk. these little looks she gives me, the fairy inside. like delicate accusing feet's pitter patter. like rain on window panes. rain rain...the grass is dying. dye my hair. i don't want to but grey is not cool & newborn hair refusing to lie flat is not polite either. in fact it's like cellulite on thighs & orange peel in eyes. it burns. close my i. why is it okay for others to just be? (but not for me) & how does it look so damn easy? stop! breathe. begin with this, these words. reveal. release. let them fly. sometimes i hate pathetic swimming in my poems. so fucking tragic. so drowning queen. too fragile & too impolite. stop. breathe. allow to be me. shiny & warm. no visitor counter. comment if you like. or not. & i want to play with you but. it's just...the days are too short and sometimes the connection between my brain and my hands, my brain and my tongue, my brain and my life, fails. miserably. pathetically. impolitely. and instead of saying this is about dancing and cake, but it's not, this is about emotions and yearnings, i write poems crying wolf to the moon. so...you might understand this. or you might not. either way, i'll sit down and shut up now.

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(C) Copyright, MJ Calitz, 2009. Photograph taken by MJ, Florida, 2009

moon dance

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sickle moon,
i send my wish to you
i send my hunger
i send my ache
i send my guitar wedding cake
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i reach my arms, my hands
my fingers stretched
on toes i dance
stretch. arch. control
lose all my emotions to you
catch it back
hold to my soul
hold
hold
if i could dance like an angel

on muscled legs
on clouds of beautiful
on soul
pump me full
pump me full
eat my fill of wedding cake
instead i sit here
here i sit
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sickle moon,
i send my empty to you
no child to hold
no dance
no you
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. all art & digital collage, mj, 08 & 09

hugMe 2

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this is lovebug (who wouldn't love a face like that?)

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& daisy doll (sister africa meets sweetheart)

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(my dog loved her too)

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009

strangers & friends

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i wore my blue dress friday..."looK mommy, a priNcess!" he said, but all i saw was my funny toes aNd the sun reflecting off my curLs

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i wore my blue dress suNday..."are you going to a partY?" he teased, but all i saw was loVe & laughter aNd she hugged me all nighT long
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009

gReeN

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so this morning i was in the mood for fresh morning air and green grass...big was my surprise when i checked on the nest and found an egg inside. creation. possibility. life! my trees are now houses for birds. how awesome is that?

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have a beautiful weekend
love & sunshine
mj
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(C) Photographs, MJ Calitz, 2009

wild flower

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(C) Photograph & painting, MJ Calitz, 2009

butterfly dreams

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in her dreaM she wore a coat of fir & wHen she blinked, butterfLies appeared like fReckles peeling off her face. wHat joy, she thought…aNd what poEtry...

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btw david found this little bird nest in a baby fir tree in our back yard saturday morning and i had to take a picture (or three). & yes, all the trees in our back yard are baby size...hopefully with lots of rain and love they will grow up to be "reading poetry under the tree" or "having a picnic in the shade" trees one day & have lots of birds nests...i added the paper butterfly when i took the picture, because i'm such a silly romantic girl & i loved the green inside green effect.
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(C) Poetry, photographs & edit, MJ Calitz, 2009

one life

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in the end it doesn't matter what you think of me. it matters that i live my life

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009. photograph taken by MJ, 2008

disintegration & reconstruction (1)

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Yesterday I was inspired by one of my favorite blogs http://thealteredpage.blogspot.com/. The artist challenged other artists to join his disintegration collaboration project, in which you put together different elements and leave it outside for a period of time to disintegrate, after which you can then display it as art for the sake of disintegration or take it apart and use it in other art pieces.

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Because i loved the idea of disintegrating and reconstructing materials, I decided to try it, MJ style of course. So I took a strip of textured paper and added paint, teabags, felt, crumpled pieces of typed poetry, ribbons & threads, pins & paperclips and took some "before" pictures.

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Then I added an extra teabag for love and another strip of textured paper on top for a possible reversed faded copy, rolled, wrapped and bagged it and hung it outside in the rain on the baby maple tree in my backyard hoping for some bleeding and maybe rusting effects. (orange bags are handy for so many things.)

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I couldn't take a picture of the package hanging in the tree for you, because it has been raining nonstop since last night and the wind is doing the blur dance with my camera. maybe later. and yay(!) for the rain (my grass and trees are happy too).

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Now all you have to do is wait and see what happens next...

smiles & kisses

mj

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009

paint brush

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april skies in orange swirl

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(C)Painting, Acrylics on canvas panel, MJ, 2009

bounce & fly

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he throws me with an airplane
it bounces off me
like a white rubber thing
he laughs
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life is like that
it gets thrown at you
from all angles
it can be a train smash
a natural disaster
a joke. or
a little knock on the door
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it all depends on
where you sit
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& how you land
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. picture & edit, mj, 2009

no rules

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sometimes i don't write anything and that's okay too

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(C) mj calitz, 2009

lulu rabbit

when i was a child i had a pink paisley bunny...

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meet lulu

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i made her! she's the first in a series of "hug me dolls" that will hopefully one day belong to a child that will adore her just like i adored my bunny. so watch this space for more "hug me's"

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(C) mj calitz, 2009

hiding in my head

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they won't find you here
here inside my head
no, they won't
find you standing
right there
there right next to me
because here
inside my head
there are also words
feminine & photographs
order, attic style
whimsy. shadows. chaos
earth, pink & spotlight
reflections in reflections
blur, contrast & repeat
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they think i am sunshine
they think i am dark
but really i am all of that
& everything between
so when they open me up
& look inside my head
don't be scared, my love
because they won't
find you in here
hiding everywhere
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. Photograph, mj, 2008

star watching thoughts

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if love was a red balloon,

why didn't she just

reach out and take it?

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(C) Painting: acrylics, glitter glue and ribbon on canvas panel, mj, 2009

spring

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(C) Photographs & edits, MJ Calitz, 2009

i see with my little i (2)

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(C) Photograph & edit, MJ Calitz, 2009

eye see with my little i

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hotel room. i lie on the bed. the tv flickers. images flash before my eyes. sparking connections in my brain.
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a black berry stain on a white dress. ruined. a butterfly inside a glass bottle. contained. paint on a cello. and yet beautiful.
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i drift...no fLowers on the pillow case...cLose my eyeS. i waLk on seaShells. daY. aNd night. i floaT faCe doWn. foG and raiN. oPen my eyes. i see tRee skeletons in bLue aiR. blaCk caT in winter fieLd (tWice). suNshinE.
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that's aLL.
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...what did you expect? an explanation? thiS is a hoTeL RooM & i am half asleep. surreal is part of the package.

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ever been there?

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009

girl on beach

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if there were 3 of me
what beautiful sandcastles
i would build
what dreams i would dream
and what love...

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if there were 3 of me...

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. Photographs of girl taken (& edited) by MJ at Key West, Florida.

hello sun

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GOODBYE SNOW. HELLO SUN,

SAND AND BEACH TOWEL!
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i soaked up the sun, watched dolphins play, collected seashells and even traveled 60 miles out into the open sea to visit a fort on an island. add to that a lighthouse, a castle, alligators in the everglades and the kennedy space centre and you know what i've been doing for the last 3 weeks.
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watch thiS space for moRe piCtures…

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(C) photograph, mj, 2009

sunny days

I was planning a photograph of a seagull for you today, because, guess what? I'm leaving for a vacation Saturday...yay! 3 weeks in sunny Florida, camping and reading and a whole lot of doing nothing. A seagull seemed fitting.

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But then I read one of my favorite blogs this morning and my mind took another turn...things happen & how do we deal with them...so instead of cleaning the house, I thought and I painted and I wrote. (& in between the house got cleaned too. very fast mind you...I think the fairies helped a little)

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She had this vision in her head. the day was a flip flop kind of sunshiny day complete with popsicles and a big yellow sun. her gypsy skirt & sun kissed hair sparkling as if sprinkled with fairy dust, dancing in the breeze. birds singing. Her watermelon mouth wide with glee. And in her gaze a secret garden cottage underneath a shady tree. Bees & butterflies. And all kinds of flowers and leaves growing along the path, painting spring. Walk with me...inside, a chandelier, tea for two, love seat. A sigh like she's come home. Children's art on the wall depicting the same scene: dollhouse, smiling sun, floating flowers, and her, stick like with gypsy skirt, L-shaped feet and hands that looked like spiders...round with long stick fingers. How she loved children's' drawings. The sun always smiled in them.
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(...I once saw a man with a knife stuck in his hand. His palm was swollen like a tennis ball...)
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It was a very good day and she wouldn't spoil it with bad images. Not even if it wasn't hers. Specially if it wasn't hers.
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It's just...things happen. Unexpected things and sometimes you gotta put the dream and the happy smiles to one side and do the things you didn't want to think about. Nobody wants to think about the wicked witch or knives in hands or...death. It's not the dying part, no. it's the end of things part that bothered her, like...who's gonna send that last e-mail for you? IF. Or maybe it's just me thinking about these things. sometimes.

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i will be back in 3 weeks
kisses & smiles
mj
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. collage, mj, 2009

(click on pic if you wish to enlarge)

shine

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i found this mannequin on the roof of a curio shop on route 66. of course i had to take her picture. and i was trying to find the right angle, when for a moment, the sun illuminated her like a star on stage. i love this photograph...her beautiful face, the color of the wall behind her and all the odd and surprising little details that give the picture texture.

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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2008

the little deaths

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the little deaths, i call them
when you kill me with a smile
make me doubt myself. download guilt
call me stupid in front of our friends
over and over
and i forget why you love me
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these little deaths
they cut so deep
and i forget why i love you
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(…why?)
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garlic mashed potatoes, green tea & death race
my stomach aches
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anger boils over. finds calm. stays
the combination is foreign
i roll it around on my tongue
taste it. swallow it whole
it nests in my heart like a welcome pacman thing
chomping love cells. disintegrating lies
you see it in my eyes
touch my hand. even my skin is cold
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no. doN't tell me this anger is juSt an illusion. or a shackle. nO! because this anger is what uNlocked the prison door. thiS anger is what lifted the weight that kept my head under water for so long. this time the anger is what is tRue
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& the moment i acknowledge this
the anger dissipates
and all that's left is clarity
& patience is a virtue

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i wrote this poem a couple of days ago. here is a link to my favorite blog at the moment:

http://pleasefindthis.blogspot.com/

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check out "the end bit is animated" ...how interesting is that. it's funny how the universe sometimes gives the same message through different people.

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009

what if continued...

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…and wHat if i grew uPside doWn like a pink paisley leaved fLower. wouLd you plant me in your zen garden somewhere between rose quartz & amethyst crystals? ceNtered in your heart…aNd would you pluCk me or leave me in the suN?
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(C) Oil pastels, water colors, acrylics & glitter glue on paper, MJ, 2009 (click on pic to enlarge if you wish)

open your mind

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Do you sometimes wonder if the universe is trying to say something to you?
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I do. In fact I know it is...Sometimes it's big things like an illness or a national disaster, even the economy. And sometimes it's the little things like the words of a song, an e-mail or a container full of beads spilled on the carpet.
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We get so busy & so caught up in the stress of living that we don't see & we don't hear. But the universe is always sending us clues, nudging us to make choices, giving us what we need, including the people to help us through & help us grow.
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Here are two things I've started to do to help me stay focused and to give something back...
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[1] I've written about 20 "messages" on pieces of paper, saying things like: "you are enough," "slow down," "yes, you can," "why are you angry?" and " just do one thing today that will bring you closer to your dreams." I threw it in a cookie tin. And each time I go out, I randomly take one and leave it somewhere, like a dressing room or in a bookstore or anywhere I feel the opportunity. This is my way of helping the universe send a couple of messages. And I believe that the person who needs that specific message will find it and keep it or pass it on to someone else who needs it more.

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[2] I've discovered prayer beads. Prayer beads are a surprisingly universal thing in many religions. It's a way to focus on your prayers, dreams, loved ones,etc. by touching something that brings you back to that thought, helping you to pray or meditate or to heal or just be still and release stress. There are no rules. It can be long or short, open or closed (like a necklace), specific or general...all that matters is that it means something to you. I've made 2 so far (here's a picture of one) and I plan to make more (some personal, some more general) to either give away or sell and maybe it will help someone else to pray.

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This may not make sense to you & that is okay. We all have our ways to connect with God. Be it meditating, or carrying healing crystals or going to church or writing poetry. The only thing that's important here is that you open up the communication channels.
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this is my message for you today:
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open your mind and you will see what the universe is trying to tell you.
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find a way that makes sense to you to connect with your spiritual self.
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love & peace
mj

piNk poem

(unfinished. acrylics on canvasboard.

text added digitally. mj, 2009)

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things with wings

...call me a butterfly. a gypsy. a bird. i don't care. but right now, i dream of the road. i want to fly. i thought i had a home until i got lonely...lonely is a bubble in my head. i sit cross legged. i bounce. i see people. so silent in me. so loud. i planted things that didn't grow. too many times. a few flowers to show. then comes winter and all is dead again. sometimes i can smell "alive" at the fair...if i could dance like a thing with feathers. dust and raindrops in the air. no, it's nothing as fancy as that. i just yearn for something different sometimes. the gypsy spirit calls me, she whispers in my hair. "fly...fly, my pretty. fly away way way." it's days like that, when the road is nowhere to be found. and i am a bird locked in a cage, key in my own hand...

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(02/13/09)

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i call this picture:

"he writes little verses that pin me to paper like a dried butterfly"

- edit, 2008

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...i write god poems in her navel, suck in my breath and the universe expands in her eyes. she closes her i. it is dark. i whisper in her ear and the wind rustles the leaves, a sigh escapes. tornadoes could destroy the world. but she is love. or am i? we write god poems on stars and throw them back into the sky for lovers to find. she bats an eyelid and i drown in my own fears. she winks and i explode. life is like that. we write god poems in the sand & wait for it to disintegrate. we make wishes on stars. we cry when they fall. this is how i felt thursday night...

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(03/09/09)

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. Both poems in reply to Nazz on S8 (the phrase "they write god poems" from his poem "Koan, the destroyer"). Self portraits & photo edits, mj. "Butterfly" picture, B Torrance. "Angel on the chair" picture, unknown.

handmade

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i made this gift box with love & glitter
i wrote this letter. my hands did this
for you. my heart believes in us
one day the stars will smile
& we will read love poetry
under shady trees
we will make love
& the stars will smile
yes, the stars will smile
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square box
full of kisses
for rainy days
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round box filled with thoughts & wishes
you will touch these and think of you of me
of stars and miracles and dreams come true
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love poems can never fully say
what i want to say to you
how my heart feels loved
how my soul smiles all day
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because you
were handmade
for me
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009

paint me mine

Canvas! I painted on canvas. Okay, technically it's called canvas board, cheap, hard and deliciously small. But still...canvas, not paper. A girl has to start somewhere, yes? So i did. Remember when i told you that blank canvasses freak me out. Little silly overwhelmed me...big expensive blank canvas. Look, i know you think it's silly too...But here, let me explain it this way... It's like taking a kid to an ice cream shop with hundreds of flavors and saying, pick two. That would probably be the equivalent of both a kid's biggest dream and nightmare at the same time. All the possibilities...one chance to get it right. I'm not sure why i put the restriction on myself...Maybe it's the cost of canvasses and paint, or just the big blank space begging to be made into a masterpiece and of course that right there is a pretty scary thought...MASTERPIECE...

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So, the first time i painted on canvas, i had this huge idea and it came out all flat and inhibited. And the 3 times after that wasn't much different. Most people would give up at this point, not me, because deep down in my soul, i know that i'm an artist. It's just a matter of breaking the ice, giving myself permission to fail, trusting myself. & there in lies the secret...Giving yourself permission to fail & trusting that you can. & It doesn't matter that it's not a pretty picture or a masterpiece that will inspire awe. What matters is that you expressed yourself...That you tried and tried until you succeeded. And that you experienced a moment of joy & oneness with the universe for creating something...anything.

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I chose to do color blocks on this one. It takes the fear out of what to do and it gives you a chance to play with color, technique, brushes, etc. Here's the result...

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009

liqourice dog

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lovinG you is like eaTing liquorice doGs with choPsticks. you are. the caNdy with the teeth. bOth stickY. & sLipping through. you biTe me then you liCk my faCe. you make me bLeed. make me gratefuL. maKe me woNder wHat i seE. thAT's the beauty of the bEast. and i can nOt change your bark or hoW you taste. but i caN chooSe noT to eat you…

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. photographs & edits, mj