lulu rabbit

when i was a child i had a pink paisley bunny...

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meet lulu

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i made her! she's the first in a series of "hug me dolls" that will hopefully one day belong to a child that will adore her just like i adored my bunny. so watch this space for more "hug me's"

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(C) mj calitz, 2009

hiding in my head

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they won't find you here
here inside my head
no, they won't
find you standing
right there
there right next to me
because here
inside my head
there are also words
feminine & photographs
order, attic style
whimsy. shadows. chaos
earth, pink & spotlight
reflections in reflections
blur, contrast & repeat
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they think i am sunshine
they think i am dark
but really i am all of that
& everything between
so when they open me up
& look inside my head
don't be scared, my love
because they won't
find you in here
hiding everywhere
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. Photograph, mj, 2008

star watching thoughts

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if love was a red balloon,

why didn't she just

reach out and take it?

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(C) Painting: acrylics, glitter glue and ribbon on canvas panel, mj, 2009

spring

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(C) Photographs & edits, MJ Calitz, 2009

i see with my little i (2)

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(C) Photograph & edit, MJ Calitz, 2009

eye see with my little i

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hotel room. i lie on the bed. the tv flickers. images flash before my eyes. sparking connections in my brain.
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a black berry stain on a white dress. ruined. a butterfly inside a glass bottle. contained. paint on a cello. and yet beautiful.
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i drift...no fLowers on the pillow case...cLose my eyeS. i waLk on seaShells. daY. aNd night. i floaT faCe doWn. foG and raiN. oPen my eyes. i see tRee skeletons in bLue aiR. blaCk caT in winter fieLd (tWice). suNshinE.
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that's aLL.
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...what did you expect? an explanation? thiS is a hoTeL RooM & i am half asleep. surreal is part of the package.

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ever been there?

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009

girl on beach

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if there were 3 of me
what beautiful sandcastles
i would build
what dreams i would dream
and what love...

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if there were 3 of me...

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. Photographs of girl taken (& edited) by MJ at Key West, Florida.

hello sun

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GOODBYE SNOW. HELLO SUN,

SAND AND BEACH TOWEL!
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i soaked up the sun, watched dolphins play, collected seashells and even traveled 60 miles out into the open sea to visit a fort on an island. add to that a lighthouse, a castle, alligators in the everglades and the kennedy space centre and you know what i've been doing for the last 3 weeks.
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watch thiS space for moRe piCtures…

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(C) photograph, mj, 2009

sunny days

I was planning a photograph of a seagull for you today, because, guess what? I'm leaving for a vacation Saturday...yay! 3 weeks in sunny Florida, camping and reading and a whole lot of doing nothing. A seagull seemed fitting.

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But then I read one of my favorite blogs this morning and my mind took another turn...things happen & how do we deal with them...so instead of cleaning the house, I thought and I painted and I wrote. (& in between the house got cleaned too. very fast mind you...I think the fairies helped a little)

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She had this vision in her head. the day was a flip flop kind of sunshiny day complete with popsicles and a big yellow sun. her gypsy skirt & sun kissed hair sparkling as if sprinkled with fairy dust, dancing in the breeze. birds singing. Her watermelon mouth wide with glee. And in her gaze a secret garden cottage underneath a shady tree. Bees & butterflies. And all kinds of flowers and leaves growing along the path, painting spring. Walk with me...inside, a chandelier, tea for two, love seat. A sigh like she's come home. Children's art on the wall depicting the same scene: dollhouse, smiling sun, floating flowers, and her, stick like with gypsy skirt, L-shaped feet and hands that looked like spiders...round with long stick fingers. How she loved children's' drawings. The sun always smiled in them.
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(...I once saw a man with a knife stuck in his hand. His palm was swollen like a tennis ball...)
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It was a very good day and she wouldn't spoil it with bad images. Not even if it wasn't hers. Specially if it wasn't hers.
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It's just...things happen. Unexpected things and sometimes you gotta put the dream and the happy smiles to one side and do the things you didn't want to think about. Nobody wants to think about the wicked witch or knives in hands or...death. It's not the dying part, no. it's the end of things part that bothered her, like...who's gonna send that last e-mail for you? IF. Or maybe it's just me thinking about these things. sometimes.

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i will be back in 3 weeks
kisses & smiles
mj
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. collage, mj, 2009

(click on pic if you wish to enlarge)

shine

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i found this mannequin on the roof of a curio shop on route 66. of course i had to take her picture. and i was trying to find the right angle, when for a moment, the sun illuminated her like a star on stage. i love this photograph...her beautiful face, the color of the wall behind her and all the odd and surprising little details that give the picture texture.

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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2008

the little deaths

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the little deaths, i call them
when you kill me with a smile
make me doubt myself. download guilt
call me stupid in front of our friends
over and over
and i forget why you love me
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these little deaths
they cut so deep
and i forget why i love you
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(…why?)
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garlic mashed potatoes, green tea & death race
my stomach aches
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anger boils over. finds calm. stays
the combination is foreign
i roll it around on my tongue
taste it. swallow it whole
it nests in my heart like a welcome pacman thing
chomping love cells. disintegrating lies
you see it in my eyes
touch my hand. even my skin is cold
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no. doN't tell me this anger is juSt an illusion. or a shackle. nO! because this anger is what uNlocked the prison door. thiS anger is what lifted the weight that kept my head under water for so long. this time the anger is what is tRue
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& the moment i acknowledge this
the anger dissipates
and all that's left is clarity
& patience is a virtue

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i wrote this poem a couple of days ago. here is a link to my favorite blog at the moment:

http://pleasefindthis.blogspot.com/

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check out "the end bit is animated" ...how interesting is that. it's funny how the universe sometimes gives the same message through different people.

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009

what if continued...

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…and wHat if i grew uPside doWn like a pink paisley leaved fLower. wouLd you plant me in your zen garden somewhere between rose quartz & amethyst crystals? ceNtered in your heart…aNd would you pluCk me or leave me in the suN?
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(C) Oil pastels, water colors, acrylics & glitter glue on paper, MJ, 2009 (click on pic to enlarge if you wish)

open your mind

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Do you sometimes wonder if the universe is trying to say something to you?
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I do. In fact I know it is...Sometimes it's big things like an illness or a national disaster, even the economy. And sometimes it's the little things like the words of a song, an e-mail or a container full of beads spilled on the carpet.
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We get so busy & so caught up in the stress of living that we don't see & we don't hear. But the universe is always sending us clues, nudging us to make choices, giving us what we need, including the people to help us through & help us grow.
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Here are two things I've started to do to help me stay focused and to give something back...
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[1] I've written about 20 "messages" on pieces of paper, saying things like: "you are enough," "slow down," "yes, you can," "why are you angry?" and " just do one thing today that will bring you closer to your dreams." I threw it in a cookie tin. And each time I go out, I randomly take one and leave it somewhere, like a dressing room or in a bookstore or anywhere I feel the opportunity. This is my way of helping the universe send a couple of messages. And I believe that the person who needs that specific message will find it and keep it or pass it on to someone else who needs it more.

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[2] I've discovered prayer beads. Prayer beads are a surprisingly universal thing in many religions. It's a way to focus on your prayers, dreams, loved ones,etc. by touching something that brings you back to that thought, helping you to pray or meditate or to heal or just be still and release stress. There are no rules. It can be long or short, open or closed (like a necklace), specific or general...all that matters is that it means something to you. I've made 2 so far (here's a picture of one) and I plan to make more (some personal, some more general) to either give away or sell and maybe it will help someone else to pray.

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This may not make sense to you & that is okay. We all have our ways to connect with God. Be it meditating, or carrying healing crystals or going to church or writing poetry. The only thing that's important here is that you open up the communication channels.
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this is my message for you today:
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open your mind and you will see what the universe is trying to tell you.
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&
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find a way that makes sense to you to connect with your spiritual self.
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love & peace
mj

piNk poem

(unfinished. acrylics on canvasboard.

text added digitally. mj, 2009)

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things with wings

...call me a butterfly. a gypsy. a bird. i don't care. but right now, i dream of the road. i want to fly. i thought i had a home until i got lonely...lonely is a bubble in my head. i sit cross legged. i bounce. i see people. so silent in me. so loud. i planted things that didn't grow. too many times. a few flowers to show. then comes winter and all is dead again. sometimes i can smell "alive" at the fair...if i could dance like a thing with feathers. dust and raindrops in the air. no, it's nothing as fancy as that. i just yearn for something different sometimes. the gypsy spirit calls me, she whispers in my hair. "fly...fly, my pretty. fly away way way." it's days like that, when the road is nowhere to be found. and i am a bird locked in a cage, key in my own hand...

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(02/13/09)

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i call this picture:

"he writes little verses that pin me to paper like a dried butterfly"

- edit, 2008

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...i write god poems in her navel, suck in my breath and the universe expands in her eyes. she closes her i. it is dark. i whisper in her ear and the wind rustles the leaves, a sigh escapes. tornadoes could destroy the world. but she is love. or am i? we write god poems on stars and throw them back into the sky for lovers to find. she bats an eyelid and i drown in my own fears. she winks and i explode. life is like that. we write god poems in the sand & wait for it to disintegrate. we make wishes on stars. we cry when they fall. this is how i felt thursday night...

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(03/09/09)

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. Both poems in reply to Nazz on S8 (the phrase "they write god poems" from his poem "Koan, the destroyer"). Self portraits & photo edits, mj. "Butterfly" picture, B Torrance. "Angel on the chair" picture, unknown.

handmade

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i made this gift box with love & glitter
i wrote this letter. my hands did this
for you. my heart believes in us
one day the stars will smile
& we will read love poetry
under shady trees
we will make love
& the stars will smile
yes, the stars will smile
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square box
full of kisses
for rainy days
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round box filled with thoughts & wishes
you will touch these and think of you of me
of stars and miracles and dreams come true
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love poems can never fully say
what i want to say to you
how my heart feels loved
how my soul smiles all day
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because you
were handmade
for me
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009

paint me mine

Canvas! I painted on canvas. Okay, technically it's called canvas board, cheap, hard and deliciously small. But still...canvas, not paper. A girl has to start somewhere, yes? So i did. Remember when i told you that blank canvasses freak me out. Little silly overwhelmed me...big expensive blank canvas. Look, i know you think it's silly too...But here, let me explain it this way... It's like taking a kid to an ice cream shop with hundreds of flavors and saying, pick two. That would probably be the equivalent of both a kid's biggest dream and nightmare at the same time. All the possibilities...one chance to get it right. I'm not sure why i put the restriction on myself...Maybe it's the cost of canvasses and paint, or just the big blank space begging to be made into a masterpiece and of course that right there is a pretty scary thought...MASTERPIECE...

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So, the first time i painted on canvas, i had this huge idea and it came out all flat and inhibited. And the 3 times after that wasn't much different. Most people would give up at this point, not me, because deep down in my soul, i know that i'm an artist. It's just a matter of breaking the ice, giving myself permission to fail, trusting myself. & there in lies the secret...Giving yourself permission to fail & trusting that you can. & It doesn't matter that it's not a pretty picture or a masterpiece that will inspire awe. What matters is that you expressed yourself...That you tried and tried until you succeeded. And that you experienced a moment of joy & oneness with the universe for creating something...anything.

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I chose to do color blocks on this one. It takes the fear out of what to do and it gives you a chance to play with color, technique, brushes, etc. Here's the result...

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009

liqourice dog

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lovinG you is like eaTing liquorice doGs with choPsticks. you are. the caNdy with the teeth. bOth stickY. & sLipping through. you biTe me then you liCk my faCe. you make me bLeed. make me gratefuL. maKe me woNder wHat i seE. thAT's the beauty of the bEast. and i can nOt change your bark or hoW you taste. but i caN chooSe noT to eat you…

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. photographs & edits, mj

& color me bright

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(C) Collage, MJ Calitz, 2009. (noT me in the picture)

humour me

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It's funny how we have unread books on our shelves for years. And one day we start to read one and within the first chapter we open a pandora's box.
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It's funny how we get things exactly when we need them.
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It's funny how we deal with things and how they pop up again as we reach milestones or prepare for change.
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It's funny how we repeat the mistakes of our mothers. Even just with dogs...and what about children?
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It's funny how honesty brings both pain and healing.
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It's funny how all these thoughts are about one thing. & how a heart can still hope…

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mj, 2009

birds that cannot fly

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the bird bath in my garden is frozen solid...isn't it beautiful?
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"hold fast to your dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that can not fly..."

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- Langson Hughes -
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(C) Photographs, MJ, 2009

he feeds me

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then aLice, curious as a kitten
opened the biG wooden door
& found the moSt delightful thing
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a birdcage in the middLe of the room
fiLLed with kisses in miniature sPoons
(82 to be preciSe)
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how odd, she thoughT
& hoW delicious
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now if she can only fiNd the key
to set them fRee
what a luCky girl she would bE
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(C) Copyright & Collage MJ Calitz, 2009

catching the sun

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what's a girl from africa supposed to do on a chilly ohio winters morning? dress up, take a walk on the farm behind her house and snap a couple of pictures of course...

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they say the early bird catches the worm...or in my case, the sun...

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& the frosted leaves snuggling in little nests of frosted grass...

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i am brave & beautiful

i am exactly where i need to be
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. All photographs & edits, MJ, 2009

these clown lips

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"one day you will take my heart completely and make it more fiery than a dragon. your eyelashes will write on my heart the poem that could never come from the pen of a poet"

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- RUMI -

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what if i told you that somewhere
in a parallel universe
two people exactly like us
were in love,
made different choices,
followed their hearts,
lived their dream…
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if you thought it could be possible
would that change your next action?
would you choose me this time?
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lover,
one day you will kiss me on my red clown lips
& candy hearts will rain from my eyelashes
painting love letters on your soul…
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one day it will be real. & these clown lips
will be yours
i will never stop kissing you
and you will think it was always like this
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i
Y
you
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. photographs & photo edit, mj, 2009

reflected in you

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i am yoU reflected in tRuth
touch my souL, my skiN
i daNce for you
wHat you adore in me
is what you wiSh to be
& what you wish i was noT,
is what you feaR you already
are. deeP, deep iNside...
you see, i am a mirroR for
you. we are aLL mirrors
hoW can we noT be, born
from the saMe souL
we aRe. you & me, i aM
& thAt is why i see me iN
you. but i can oNLy see
if i open my eyes to
what is hEre & not close
them with what i feAr...
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. collage, mj 2009

week of loVe

no nO! that simply won't do. not on this Week oF Love leading up to valentines day. i have deleted my original post of the day...the sunny miss "rooftop route66". we will see her again later...maybe...but for this week i give you, the very blonde, very long leggy miss "vicky secret"...happy day dreaming boys ;-)

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now, first off, you have to understand this. i do not worship days like this. it has become too commercial. too victoria secret and diamond necklace. but it has a place in this world where people has forgotten how to love. or simply, TO love. it is a little reminder that romance isn't dead...yet. it can be found in the simple things too...like a poem. a cup of tea at sunrise. a lace curtain. an antique tin full of ribbons. a hand written letter. a beautiful bouquet of flowers, un-plucked.

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and this day is certainly not just for couples. no. because even if you are single, you are worthy of love. so, treat yourself. in fact, spoil yourself...LOVE YOURSELF. this day will only be a disappointment if we expect of someone else to make it magical for us. so, write yourself a love note...
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stand on a chair and read a poem to a loved one. make yourself a hearty breakfast. plant a flower (or a treasure box) in the earth. release a pink balloon for someone else to find. get a manicure (or a haircut). take yourself to the movies (don't forget to buy a big box of popcorn & laugh out loud if you want to). hug a child. eat a super indulgent ice cream. visit someone who is lonely. drink a glass of wine at sunset. remember all the special people in your life. remember who you are and how far you've come...

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i don't care what you do, just hoW you do it (with love. for yourself and others) and that you do soMething that makes you feel awesome. make this valentines day, or any & all other days you choose, the day that you will remember to celebrate love, your way.

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bE LOVED

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(C) Photographs, MJ Calitz, 2008.

fresh & fuN

they say a change is as good as a holiday. so i decided to get a haircut. trust me, it was time. after years of same old same old, i wanted something fresh & fun. i LOVE my new hair. it's just ridiculous how sexy it makes me feel...here, see for yourself.

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doN't speak. juSt kiss

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shh! doN't speak
just kiss me
like you've wanted to
for sO long
your tongue will be
my waTer
your liPs, my oXygen
& i will be
a droWning aNgel
haNging on your whiM
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. photo edit, 2009

make a footprint

do you remember the journal i talked about?...the one i kept on our cross country trip last year. i felt like sharing this page with you today. it was written the day before we departed. it's the very first page of the journal and probably the oNLy page that is 100% black & white... (oh, you can click on the pic to enlarge, if you wish.)

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i made this footprint on the beach in san francisco last year. it's not perfect, but it's mine & it reminds me that i was there. because soMe days, i wake up, busy ironing the laundry or doing something equally uneventful, and i wonder what i am doing here...what is my life supposed to be & what if i am wasting time hanging around in the mundane...and then photographs like this remind me that i'm not just an empty shell waiting for tomorrow and the next day and the next to come and go and be lost. i am not a waste of time. i made my footprint on a beach in san francisco. who'd have ever thought i'd walk there? but i did. and that is noT nothing.

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so remember to make your footprint wherever you go and take a picture of it, so that one day, when you are wondering about your life, you can look at it and say...i was there. and tHat is nOt nothing.
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2008 & 2009

gypsy guitar

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reMembEr that tiMe when we danced baRefoot uNdeR the stars in the mid*dLe of the rOad? my dress was piNk and yoU wore a gRin and a gyPsy gUitaR

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(C)Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. collage, mj, 2009

why doesn't god...

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the other day i posted my "every moment, now" piece on a poetry forum and got some interesting replies, including this one by a guy who calls himself justwalt. he said:

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"It was once suggested to me that this is the way god sees.... all eternity in a split second. The discussion was the question why, if god knows everything, even before it happens, why does he not do this or that."

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i thought i'd share my answer to him with you, here, which was this:

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...the thing is...we want god to be this one entity. "the man." the puppet master. but we don't understand the dynamics. we aren't the puppets. we are the limbs, the eyes, the ears, the hearts. that's what i meant by, we are god. without us the universe cannot experience life. & we have free will. god doesn't do this or that. we do. we decide to start a war or make peace / to love or fear or abuse someone / to make or break a rule, etc. and all actions have reactions (all choices have consequences). someone once told me that we decide what we want to experience in our lifetimes before we are born and that we send ourselves the people and the messages we need through out our lives to achieve this, but we still get to choose how it plays out by the choices we make everyday. i am not saying there isn't a god and we get to run wild. i'm saying we are "parts of the machine"...god is the collective energy of the universe. obviously i don't believe the theory of heaven and hell as prize or punishment. our souls get to play out the different scenarios until it is satisfied that it has experienced all that it wanted to and in the meantime the physical world is subjected to all the consequences of our choices (war / pollution / natural disasters / each generation being different than the previous / new diseases & remedies / destruction & creation, etc)
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while i'm re-reading what i just wrote here, this question pops into my mind: "are you telling me god has multiple personality disorder?" which in a way i'd have to answer "yes". not the disorder part, but the balance part...there need to be opposite poles for the universe to work. in order for you to experience failure you have to experience success and vice versa. same with happiness and sadness. love and fear...and in that case both the disorder and the balance. the universe (god) is everything...every emotion, every personality, both sides of the coin...good and bad. i don't believe there is judgment here. just consequences.
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god knows and sees everything because god is everything. and time, just like space is both a point and a line. for us to experience life, the angle has to be linear. and that is why we do not see the bigger picture. but god can see the point / the split second.
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that's my take anyway. i'm sure there are holes in my arguments and that i'll upset a lot of people who read this. i'm not trying to convince anyone that i'm right. just sayin...this is what i think. maybe it opens a door in your mind that helps you decide what you believe in. & by the way, what we believe is just one more choice we make.
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feel free to react to all this in anyway you choose...

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i do not know what you believe. and i do not wish to change your mind, because it is your choice. i can only say what i think. and you can say what you think. and that way we help each other to make sense of the mystery of it all.

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the soul of the soul of the soul

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“oh soul,
you worry too much.
you have seen your own strength
you have seen your own beauty
you have seen your golden wings.
of anything less,
why do you worry?
you are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul”
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- RUMI -
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(C) Photographs & edit, MJ Calitz, 2009

to boys with guitars...

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the sun. & the boy climbing her limbs. & even just wanting to hide her in poet's arms…what if she wanted him to take her lungs? even if it meant offering her heart too. three organs for the price of one girl. with slow eyes. & dripping lips. and oh, how she wanted him to smell her neck. his voice…his voice in her heart. sold this & that & anyway to her smiling i. & she, wolf inclined and hungry, took his eyes & sucked them dry. no tears. no please mister. no! it wasn't elegant at all. shh...oh love, do willow trees & boys climbing rocks ever find the sun before it dies? maybe we make it disappear by staring at it too hard. she read all of his living room notes. breathed them deep into her soul. took imaginary photographs of him pencil in hand, guitar in hands, her. in. his. hands. slow. & she laughed before he closed the drapes. & once again she found herself outside, ribbons flying in the sky. home? home is in her head, she said. & you are always welcome. even if she doesn't say hello…

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(C) Copyright, MJ Calitz, 2009 (written in reply to another poem). Drawing & edit, MJ, 2009 (click on pic if you wish to enlarge)

every moment, now

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if you could experience every moment of your life, from the minute you were born to the moment you blow out your last breath, all at once. right now. would that overwhelm you or make you calm? knowing that both the best and the worst thing already happened. knowing that you've loved & lost. that you've hurt & you've healed. you've wasted time. you've created something new. more than once. you've found the truth...or not. you've lived. & that in the end, it's not about whether you were good enough, but if you paid attention...knowing all that, tell me, would it overwhelm you or calm you down? would it change the way you live the rest of your life? & would you be more or less inclined to forgive yourself, love yourself, BE yourself...

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. Photograph, MJ, 2008

faith, hope & love

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"i believe in love. i believe in hard times & love winning. i believe marriage is hard. i believe people make mistakes. i believe people can want two things at once. i believe people are selfish and generous at the same time. i believe very few people want to hurt others. i believe that life can surprise you. i believe in happy endings."
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- Isabel Gillies -

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(C) Photographs MJ Calitz, 2009