sadness

for those of you who don't know, my brother died thursday morning in a car accident. i don't have any fancy words or pretty pictures for you today. just my sadness and the hole in my heart.

yellow

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the sun was hot and yellow and the shadows were lace filigree clinging to the walls. maybe i'm clinging to you in the same way. feeling both vulnerable and ancient. lingering and restless. trapped in your paint and walls.

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2010. picture taken at the french quarters in New Orleans.

galaxies apart and back again

sometimes you catch an image so magical that it takes your breath away. this is probably one of my favorite pictures of the whole vacation. i call it the "starry horse dream scape."
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hi, i'm back.
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i have taken a two month long nap in blog world, but not in real life. my in laws have come and gone (after a 6 week visit). i've seen more in our month long road trip than the average american probably see in a lifetime, including graceland, tinkertown and the french quarter. i ate more ribs than a hyena, climbed a mountain (seriously!) and held a baby alligator. i baked in the sun and froze in a cave, traveled 7 000 miles from home to the ocean to the desert and back, bought a cowgirl hat and a cow skull. i ate a 4 pound cinnamon bun (not on my own and not in one sitting), saw 300 000 bats fly out of a cave at sunset, and painted a pink graffiti heart on one of 10 cadillacs planted vertically in the ground in amarillo. i took a million pictures and walked a million steps...
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i relearned to knit again. this is an AWESOME stress release activity and something i have wanted to do again for a while. you will doubtlessly see some of my experiments here soon.
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and then i took a vacation for one in my bed with a book for a week each morning after my husband left for work. this week i'm returning to my normal fitness routine and i feel fresh and ready for creativity to flow.
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it's good to be back.
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ps. i'm excited to say that i might open an etsy shop soon...maybe (watch this space.)
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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2010

sunny side up

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turn your head to the sun
and grow grow grow
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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2010

orange day

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(C) Photographs, MJ Calitz, 2010. (Pictures taken at Inneswood Gardens)

bits & pieces

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There's a lot going on in my world right now.
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We're in the process of applying for green cards (finally!) and it involves things like immunizations (ouch!), passport photographs (yuck!) and battling consulates for unabridged birth certificates (did you just say 6 months?)...yeah.
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We're also getting ready for a visit from family members from SA combined with another road trip (this time to Tennessee, New Orleans, Texas and New Mexico). I'm SO excited about the photography opportunities and the adventure of it all, spending time with family, and also getting some goodies from SA.
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We've painted two rooms in our house this weekend.
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I've made two wonderful(!) new friends this year (Kat & Cheri...hi ladies!) and LOVE spending time with them.
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And on top of it all, I have 3 new creative projects going on... (1) a quilt (2) a painting and (3) ...well, the 3rd one will remain a surprise for now, but I left you some clues in the pictures above.
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I'm taking a little break from blogging for about two months. But hopefully I will return with loads of amazing new photographs to share and stories to tell.
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BE WELL. BE HERE. AND BE YOU.
XOXOXO
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(C) Photographs, MJ Calitz, 2010

for a friend

(pen, oil pastels and acrylics on paper)

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(C) Art, MJ Calitz, 2010

paint moments brighter

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so this is two things
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(1) it's my picture and i'll "paint" on it if i want to
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and
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(2) sometimes all you have to do to help a friend carry a heavy load, is to listen
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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2008. Photo art, MJ, 2010

lovely holes

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why am i painting ovals?
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(because an oval is noT an egg…)
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yes, it could be a mouth wide open with sorrow and silent crying, the pain buried so deep that you can’t make a noise. oR it could be a womb. bleeding. empty. hole but not whole.
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so i’m painting ovals. and people say “oh, what a lovely hole!” (only in my head of course.) and i think, what’s a lovely hole? and suddenly i’m finding beauty in unexpected holes…
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like skulls.
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they have lots of holes. holes for eyes. nose. mouth. ears. i use to find skulls creepy. now i look at them and i think, breath flowed through those holes. (life.) eyes turned this way and that. (what did it see?) and i see beauty in decay…beautiful creaMy white bones with liFe-giving holes.
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and what about the little holes. like the holes in beads.
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or those pLastic doll faces we used to store string in. you could pull neveR ending string through a tiny hole in the mouth. now that’s creepy, some people would say. but it made me smile. big smiles.
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i use to write poetry like strings of beautiful pearls falling from my lips. now i just paint ovals.
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(what’s that piece of cloth doing in my painting?)
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…and 6 is a healing number.
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(C) Art, MJ Calitz, 2010

big red ovals

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lately i've been painting (or making) big red ovals. i'm not sure if it represents an empty womb or a screaming mouth or a combination of things or just a vague unidentifiable feeling. whatever it is, i like the look of it. and it feels like a release of negative energy...a healing on some deeper level. i call this process "undercover therapy."
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this is an abstract mixed media piece. i started with an 8 x 10 canvas board painted black and two pieces of scrap wood glued together roughly and painted white, attaching the wood to the canvas. then i added hot glue and more paint to the black piece and nails, red embroidery thread, a hematite cross and broken egg shells to the white piece. i wrapped black embroidery thread around the white piece (you cannot see this on the picture) & added two small red beads.
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i love this piece. it feels very different from my previous art...i think i'm finally growing into my own and finding my balance as an artist.
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this is good...and yet i wonder if i'm ever going to write poetry again. where did my inner poet go?
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(C) Art, MJ Calitz, 2010

the ever seeing eye

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(C) Art, MJ Calitz, 2010.
(oil pastels, water colors & acrylics on paper)

holy rose

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8 x 10 acrylics on canvas board. i call this one "holy rose." didn't plan it at all. i just squeezed and mixed some paint colors on a palette and let my brush follow my mind (which seemed to be going in a circle at the time. it does that a lot. haha). it started out as a bulls eye kinda painting and ended up looking something like a rose (with a halo) spiraling into a muddy maelstrom suspended in time. for me it has a very personal meaning and is symbolic of things divine, feminine and growing. i cannot really explain it, but i wanted to share it here.
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(C) Art, MJ Calitz, 2010

map the dark moments

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Now lets talk about relationships that hurt.
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Are you in a relationship (and I’m not only talking romantic connections here) where you are always trying too hard to please or impress someone, never being enough, not able to let go? A relationship where you desperately need someone’s approval, understanding, attention, support, etc, instead often receiving the exact opposite, and yet you keep going back for more.
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I know you know what I’m talking about. and I know that you have tried in your own way to deal with it. maybe you’ve tried to ignore the emotions, physically ran away from the person or got defensive and rebellious. And still it persists. Why? Why won’t it just go away and leave you in peace?
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Because these kind of relationships are hard to leave for a reason. They are significant. They keep molding you and pushing you and challenging you, emptying your reserves, testing your best intentions, forcing you to look inward asking “why?” And this is exactly what you have to do to find the remedy…look inward and explore.
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If you want, you can do this exercise. Find a quiet place. You can use a pen and paper if you need to. Now focus your thoughts on this relationship. How does it make you feel? What does it force you to do? What do you crave from it but never get?
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Don’t be afraid to dig deep.
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Then when you figured out what you need from the relationship, take a step back and shift your attention to the other person. As neutrally as you can (without judgment) really look at this person and see why he or she can not give you what you crave from them, not because they mean you harm or don’t love you, but because they simply can’t. (They are not equipped with the “tools” or the situation prevents them or they don’t have the emotional reserves, etc.) Find the empathy in your heart that will allow you to forgive that person. This will probably not happen right away, but it might surprise you how much it changes things, taking away a lot of the weight you felt.
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Now step back into your self again and see how this relationship makes you grow. What are you forced to learn? How has it changed you or made you stronger? Can you see how this has benefited you later in your life, maybe preparing you for something bigger?
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At this point in the exercise a funny thing will probably happen in your mind. You will experience a moment of deep love and gratitude towards this person that has been torturing you for so long. This means that you have allowed your soul to expand. You have taken back a piece of yourself that has been missing, making you more whole in the process.
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You have done something generous and really amazing.
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Now see the healing begin…how you become free to see the simple beauty in the complicated workings of this relationship and feel how the energy slowly starts to change.
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Here’s one more question. Can you see patterns repeating (sometimes in other relationships) until you’ve learned what you needed to learn from that relationship but resisted? Maybe things that have confused you will suddenly click, giving you a lighted map of the dark moments in your life. And maybe this will allow you to stop some of the pattern from repeating again.
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This is not a quick fix. This is a life changing exercise that you can use for multiple relationships at different stages in your life. It could be easy with some relationships and a LOT harder with others (and it may not work with some because you are not ready or supposed to learn that lesson now). There’s no need to force it or rush it. Give it time to play out and give yourself plenty of breaks, realizing that you are doing your best and that’s enough. But be open to explore the dynamics of the relationship without automatically putting yourself in the role of victim.
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You are NOT a random victim of circumstances. You may in fact be receiving a divine gift.
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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2010

special moments

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"there's nothing like a mama-hug" - T Guillemets -
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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2008

it is written

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Lately I’ve been noticing the significance of my relationships with some people. They may be fleeting, or coming and going at unexpected intervals or lingering. And some of them are of a permanent nature, like family. But it never fails to surprise or amaze me when the answer to a “why” or a “what” regarding these relationships clicks into place.
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Why did you just cross my path? Why do you keep returning? And why now? What do you still need from me? Why do you hurt me so deeply? What do I need from you? Or what can I learn from you?
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And mostly I get those answers after the fact in some kind of light bulb moment bringing clarity. Because in order to get the gifts that is meant to be exchanged between us, we have to actually spend some time together. And it doesn’t always make sense until the exact destined moment when you give or receive a gift. In fact sometimes (or maybe most of the time) we are not paying attention and we do not see / are not aware of our humble mustard seed contributions.
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But sometimes, if we are lucky, we receive the gift of awareness too that allows us to witness the expansion of our own souls and those of others. And even more blessed and rare are those relationships when both people are aware that something divine is happening.
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Today I want to say thank you to my friends Steve, Kat, Erika & Monique for each knowingly or unknowingly playing their special parts in the huge shift that is happening in my mind this last month or so.
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This awareness is teaching me to be open to the possibilities without clinging to expectations so much, and to just go with the flow, releasing my need to control every little thing. TRUSTING GOD’S PLAN. You are exactly where you are supposed to be, doing what you are supposed to do, meeting people and getting pushes to make changes when you are supposed to. It is written. It is destiny. Nothing is random. Every relationship in your life, no matter how random it may seem or how hurtful (specially the hurtful ones) have meaning. It is up to you what you do with it.
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(C) Art, MJ Calitz, 2010

where we are now

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I connected with two of my old school friends recently (through facebook of all places). And each, in their own way, reminded me of these things
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(a) It’s not about what you’ve accomplished, what you have or where you live. It’s about who you are inside and how you touch others (no matter how small or insignificant it may seem). Nobody is perfect. We all have our aches and our challenges. It’s what makes us us.
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(b) My friend, Erika, told me how she thinks of me whenever she hears certain songs on the radio because I used to sing along. No matter how hard your life seems at any given time, remember to find joy in the small things, like singing or dancing to a favorite song. (The songs that I love to sing along with VERY LOUDLY in my car right now is “Time,” “Today” and “God made me” all from different albums by Chantal Kreviazuk)
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(c) Erika also said something that made me sit up and go “exactly!” She said, sometimes we have to (walk) live a few miles before we can look back and get perspective. And I want to add, sometimes the road gets long, but no matter how uncomfortable or insignificant it may seem at that moment, every step counts, even if you don’t see it.
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remember this: By being honest with each other, our interactions become meaningful. So next time you reconnect with an old friend, don’t hide behind a mask of fake perfection. Choose to REALLY connect & see the gifts unfold.
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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2008

navigational beacons

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fiNd the patterns repeating in the muddy chaos of your life ~ asK questions ~ recognize the illusions tRapping you and the people guiding or pushing you ~ decide to chaNge your mind ~ be pResent ~ be gRateful ~ giVe back
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(C) Art (mixed media on 9 x 12 inch blocked hard board), MJ Calitz, 2010

yOu

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"today you are you. that is truer than true. there's no one alive that is youer than you."
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- Dr. Seuss -
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(C) Photo art, MJ Calitz, 2010

nesting calender

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(C) Art, MJ Calitz, 2010

unlocking spiritual doors

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if you like to do meditation, try these two cd's by Kelly Howell (make sure to use stereo headphones) :

• Awakening Kundalini (unblocking chakras)
• Guided Relaxation (discovering a sanctuary of peace, relaxation and inner strength)
  

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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2010