the little deaths

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the little deaths, i call them
when you kill me with a smile
make me doubt myself. download guilt
call me stupid in front of our friends
over and over
and i forget why you love me
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these little deaths
they cut so deep
and i forget why i love you
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(…why?)
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garlic mashed potatoes, green tea & death race
my stomach aches
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anger boils over. finds calm. stays
the combination is foreign
i roll it around on my tongue
taste it. swallow it whole
it nests in my heart like a welcome pacman thing
chomping love cells. disintegrating lies
you see it in my eyes
touch my hand. even my skin is cold
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no. doN't tell me this anger is juSt an illusion. or a shackle. nO! because this anger is what uNlocked the prison door. thiS anger is what lifted the weight that kept my head under water for so long. this time the anger is what is tRue
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& the moment i acknowledge this
the anger dissipates
and all that's left is clarity
& patience is a virtue

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i wrote this poem a couple of days ago. here is a link to my favorite blog at the moment:

http://pleasefindthis.blogspot.com/

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check out "the end bit is animated" ...how interesting is that. it's funny how the universe sometimes gives the same message through different people.

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009

what if continued...

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…and wHat if i grew uPside doWn like a pink paisley leaved fLower. wouLd you plant me in your zen garden somewhere between rose quartz & amethyst crystals? ceNtered in your heart…aNd would you pluCk me or leave me in the suN?
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(C) Oil pastels, water colors, acrylics & glitter glue on paper, MJ, 2009 (click on pic to enlarge if you wish)

open your mind

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Do you sometimes wonder if the universe is trying to say something to you?
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I do. In fact I know it is...Sometimes it's big things like an illness or a national disaster, even the economy. And sometimes it's the little things like the words of a song, an e-mail or a container full of beads spilled on the carpet.
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We get so busy & so caught up in the stress of living that we don't see & we don't hear. But the universe is always sending us clues, nudging us to make choices, giving us what we need, including the people to help us through & help us grow.
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Here are two things I've started to do to help me stay focused and to give something back...
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[1] I've written about 20 "messages" on pieces of paper, saying things like: "you are enough," "slow down," "yes, you can," "why are you angry?" and " just do one thing today that will bring you closer to your dreams." I threw it in a cookie tin. And each time I go out, I randomly take one and leave it somewhere, like a dressing room or in a bookstore or anywhere I feel the opportunity. This is my way of helping the universe send a couple of messages. And I believe that the person who needs that specific message will find it and keep it or pass it on to someone else who needs it more.

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[2] I've discovered prayer beads. Prayer beads are a surprisingly universal thing in many religions. It's a way to focus on your prayers, dreams, loved ones,etc. by touching something that brings you back to that thought, helping you to pray or meditate or to heal or just be still and release stress. There are no rules. It can be long or short, open or closed (like a necklace), specific or general...all that matters is that it means something to you. I've made 2 so far (here's a picture of one) and I plan to make more (some personal, some more general) to either give away or sell and maybe it will help someone else to pray.

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This may not make sense to you & that is okay. We all have our ways to connect with God. Be it meditating, or carrying healing crystals or going to church or writing poetry. The only thing that's important here is that you open up the communication channels.
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this is my message for you today:
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open your mind and you will see what the universe is trying to tell you.
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&
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find a way that makes sense to you to connect with your spiritual self.
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love & peace
mj

piNk poem

(unfinished. acrylics on canvasboard.

text added digitally. mj, 2009)

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things with wings

...call me a butterfly. a gypsy. a bird. i don't care. but right now, i dream of the road. i want to fly. i thought i had a home until i got lonely...lonely is a bubble in my head. i sit cross legged. i bounce. i see people. so silent in me. so loud. i planted things that didn't grow. too many times. a few flowers to show. then comes winter and all is dead again. sometimes i can smell "alive" at the fair...if i could dance like a thing with feathers. dust and raindrops in the air. no, it's nothing as fancy as that. i just yearn for something different sometimes. the gypsy spirit calls me, she whispers in my hair. "fly...fly, my pretty. fly away way way." it's days like that, when the road is nowhere to be found. and i am a bird locked in a cage, key in my own hand...

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(02/13/09)

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i call this picture:

"he writes little verses that pin me to paper like a dried butterfly"

- edit, 2008

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...i write god poems in her navel, suck in my breath and the universe expands in her eyes. she closes her i. it is dark. i whisper in her ear and the wind rustles the leaves, a sigh escapes. tornadoes could destroy the world. but she is love. or am i? we write god poems on stars and throw them back into the sky for lovers to find. she bats an eyelid and i drown in my own fears. she winks and i explode. life is like that. we write god poems in the sand & wait for it to disintegrate. we make wishes on stars. we cry when they fall. this is how i felt thursday night...

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(03/09/09)

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. Both poems in reply to Nazz on S8 (the phrase "they write god poems" from his poem "Koan, the destroyer"). Self portraits & photo edits, mj. "Butterfly" picture, B Torrance. "Angel on the chair" picture, unknown.

handmade

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i made this gift box with love & glitter
i wrote this letter. my hands did this
for you. my heart believes in us
one day the stars will smile
& we will read love poetry
under shady trees
we will make love
& the stars will smile
yes, the stars will smile
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square box
full of kisses
for rainy days
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round box filled with thoughts & wishes
you will touch these and think of you of me
of stars and miracles and dreams come true
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love poems can never fully say
what i want to say to you
how my heart feels loved
how my soul smiles all day
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because you
were handmade
for me
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009

paint me mine

Canvas! I painted on canvas. Okay, technically it's called canvas board, cheap, hard and deliciously small. But still...canvas, not paper. A girl has to start somewhere, yes? So i did. Remember when i told you that blank canvasses freak me out. Little silly overwhelmed me...big expensive blank canvas. Look, i know you think it's silly too...But here, let me explain it this way... It's like taking a kid to an ice cream shop with hundreds of flavors and saying, pick two. That would probably be the equivalent of both a kid's biggest dream and nightmare at the same time. All the possibilities...one chance to get it right. I'm not sure why i put the restriction on myself...Maybe it's the cost of canvasses and paint, or just the big blank space begging to be made into a masterpiece and of course that right there is a pretty scary thought...MASTERPIECE...

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So, the first time i painted on canvas, i had this huge idea and it came out all flat and inhibited. And the 3 times after that wasn't much different. Most people would give up at this point, not me, because deep down in my soul, i know that i'm an artist. It's just a matter of breaking the ice, giving myself permission to fail, trusting myself. & there in lies the secret...Giving yourself permission to fail & trusting that you can. & It doesn't matter that it's not a pretty picture or a masterpiece that will inspire awe. What matters is that you expressed yourself...That you tried and tried until you succeeded. And that you experienced a moment of joy & oneness with the universe for creating something...anything.

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I chose to do color blocks on this one. It takes the fear out of what to do and it gives you a chance to play with color, technique, brushes, etc. Here's the result...

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009

liqourice dog

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lovinG you is like eaTing liquorice doGs with choPsticks. you are. the caNdy with the teeth. bOth stickY. & sLipping through. you biTe me then you liCk my faCe. you make me bLeed. make me gratefuL. maKe me woNder wHat i seE. thAT's the beauty of the bEast. and i can nOt change your bark or hoW you taste. but i caN chooSe noT to eat you…

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. photographs & edits, mj

& color me bright

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(C) Collage, MJ Calitz, 2009. (noT me in the picture)

humour me

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It's funny how we have unread books on our shelves for years. And one day we start to read one and within the first chapter we open a pandora's box.
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It's funny how we get things exactly when we need them.
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It's funny how we deal with things and how they pop up again as we reach milestones or prepare for change.
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It's funny how we repeat the mistakes of our mothers. Even just with dogs...and what about children?
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It's funny how honesty brings both pain and healing.
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It's funny how all these thoughts are about one thing. & how a heart can still hope…

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mj, 2009

birds that cannot fly

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the bird bath in my garden is frozen solid...isn't it beautiful?
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"hold fast to your dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that can not fly..."

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- Langson Hughes -
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(C) Photographs, MJ, 2009

he feeds me

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then aLice, curious as a kitten
opened the biG wooden door
& found the moSt delightful thing
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a birdcage in the middLe of the room
fiLLed with kisses in miniature sPoons
(82 to be preciSe)
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how odd, she thoughT
& hoW delicious
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now if she can only fiNd the key
to set them fRee
what a luCky girl she would bE
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(C) Copyright & Collage MJ Calitz, 2009

catching the sun

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what's a girl from africa supposed to do on a chilly ohio winters morning? dress up, take a walk on the farm behind her house and snap a couple of pictures of course...

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they say the early bird catches the worm...or in my case, the sun...

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& the frosted leaves snuggling in little nests of frosted grass...

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i am brave & beautiful

i am exactly where i need to be
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. All photographs & edits, MJ, 2009

these clown lips

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"one day you will take my heart completely and make it more fiery than a dragon. your eyelashes will write on my heart the poem that could never come from the pen of a poet"

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- RUMI -

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what if i told you that somewhere
in a parallel universe
two people exactly like us
were in love,
made different choices,
followed their hearts,
lived their dream…
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if you thought it could be possible
would that change your next action?
would you choose me this time?
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lover,
one day you will kiss me on my red clown lips
& candy hearts will rain from my eyelashes
painting love letters on your soul…
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one day it will be real. & these clown lips
will be yours
i will never stop kissing you
and you will think it was always like this
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i
Y
you
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. photographs & photo edit, mj, 2009

reflected in you

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i am yoU reflected in tRuth
touch my souL, my skiN
i daNce for you
wHat you adore in me
is what you wiSh to be
& what you wish i was noT,
is what you feaR you already
are. deeP, deep iNside...
you see, i am a mirroR for
you. we are aLL mirrors
hoW can we noT be, born
from the saMe souL
we aRe. you & me, i aM
& thAt is why i see me iN
you. but i can oNLy see
if i open my eyes to
what is hEre & not close
them with what i feAr...
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. collage, mj 2009

week of loVe

no nO! that simply won't do. not on this Week oF Love leading up to valentines day. i have deleted my original post of the day...the sunny miss "rooftop route66". we will see her again later...maybe...but for this week i give you, the very blonde, very long leggy miss "vicky secret"...happy day dreaming boys ;-)

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now, first off, you have to understand this. i do not worship days like this. it has become too commercial. too victoria secret and diamond necklace. but it has a place in this world where people has forgotten how to love. or simply, TO love. it is a little reminder that romance isn't dead...yet. it can be found in the simple things too...like a poem. a cup of tea at sunrise. a lace curtain. an antique tin full of ribbons. a hand written letter. a beautiful bouquet of flowers, un-plucked.

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and this day is certainly not just for couples. no. because even if you are single, you are worthy of love. so, treat yourself. in fact, spoil yourself...LOVE YOURSELF. this day will only be a disappointment if we expect of someone else to make it magical for us. so, write yourself a love note...
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stand on a chair and read a poem to a loved one. make yourself a hearty breakfast. plant a flower (or a treasure box) in the earth. release a pink balloon for someone else to find. get a manicure (or a haircut). take yourself to the movies (don't forget to buy a big box of popcorn & laugh out loud if you want to). hug a child. eat a super indulgent ice cream. visit someone who is lonely. drink a glass of wine at sunset. remember all the special people in your life. remember who you are and how far you've come...

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i don't care what you do, just hoW you do it (with love. for yourself and others) and that you do soMething that makes you feel awesome. make this valentines day, or any & all other days you choose, the day that you will remember to celebrate love, your way.

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bE LOVED

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(C) Photographs, MJ Calitz, 2008.

fresh & fuN

they say a change is as good as a holiday. so i decided to get a haircut. trust me, it was time. after years of same old same old, i wanted something fresh & fun. i LOVE my new hair. it's just ridiculous how sexy it makes me feel...here, see for yourself.

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doN't speak. juSt kiss

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shh! doN't speak
just kiss me
like you've wanted to
for sO long
your tongue will be
my waTer
your liPs, my oXygen
& i will be
a droWning aNgel
haNging on your whiM
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. photo edit, 2009

make a footprint

do you remember the journal i talked about?...the one i kept on our cross country trip last year. i felt like sharing this page with you today. it was written the day before we departed. it's the very first page of the journal and probably the oNLy page that is 100% black & white... (oh, you can click on the pic to enlarge, if you wish.)

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i made this footprint on the beach in san francisco last year. it's not perfect, but it's mine & it reminds me that i was there. because soMe days, i wake up, busy ironing the laundry or doing something equally uneventful, and i wonder what i am doing here...what is my life supposed to be & what if i am wasting time hanging around in the mundane...and then photographs like this remind me that i'm not just an empty shell waiting for tomorrow and the next day and the next to come and go and be lost. i am not a waste of time. i made my footprint on a beach in san francisco. who'd have ever thought i'd walk there? but i did. and that is noT nothing.

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so remember to make your footprint wherever you go and take a picture of it, so that one day, when you are wondering about your life, you can look at it and say...i was there. and tHat is nOt nothing.
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2008 & 2009

gypsy guitar

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reMembEr that tiMe when we danced baRefoot uNdeR the stars in the mid*dLe of the rOad? my dress was piNk and yoU wore a gRin and a gyPsy gUitaR

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(C)Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. collage, mj, 2009