fresh & fuN

they say a change is as good as a holiday. so i decided to get a haircut. trust me, it was time. after years of same old same old, i wanted something fresh & fun. i LOVE my new hair. it's just ridiculous how sexy it makes me feel...here, see for yourself.

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doN't speak. juSt kiss

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shh! doN't speak
just kiss me
like you've wanted to
for sO long
your tongue will be
my waTer
your liPs, my oXygen
& i will be
a droWning aNgel
haNging on your whiM
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. photo edit, 2009

make a footprint

do you remember the journal i talked about?...the one i kept on our cross country trip last year. i felt like sharing this page with you today. it was written the day before we departed. it's the very first page of the journal and probably the oNLy page that is 100% black & white... (oh, you can click on the pic to enlarge, if you wish.)

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i made this footprint on the beach in san francisco last year. it's not perfect, but it's mine & it reminds me that i was there. because soMe days, i wake up, busy ironing the laundry or doing something equally uneventful, and i wonder what i am doing here...what is my life supposed to be & what if i am wasting time hanging around in the mundane...and then photographs like this remind me that i'm not just an empty shell waiting for tomorrow and the next day and the next to come and go and be lost. i am not a waste of time. i made my footprint on a beach in san francisco. who'd have ever thought i'd walk there? but i did. and that is noT nothing.

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so remember to make your footprint wherever you go and take a picture of it, so that one day, when you are wondering about your life, you can look at it and say...i was there. and tHat is nOt nothing.
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2008 & 2009

gypsy guitar

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reMembEr that tiMe when we danced baRefoot uNdeR the stars in the mid*dLe of the rOad? my dress was piNk and yoU wore a gRin and a gyPsy gUitaR

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(C)Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. collage, mj, 2009

why doesn't god...

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the other day i posted my "every moment, now" piece on a poetry forum and got some interesting replies, including this one by a guy who calls himself justwalt. he said:

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"It was once suggested to me that this is the way god sees.... all eternity in a split second. The discussion was the question why, if god knows everything, even before it happens, why does he not do this or that."

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i thought i'd share my answer to him with you, here, which was this:

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...the thing is...we want god to be this one entity. "the man." the puppet master. but we don't understand the dynamics. we aren't the puppets. we are the limbs, the eyes, the ears, the hearts. that's what i meant by, we are god. without us the universe cannot experience life. & we have free will. god doesn't do this or that. we do. we decide to start a war or make peace / to love or fear or abuse someone / to make or break a rule, etc. and all actions have reactions (all choices have consequences). someone once told me that we decide what we want to experience in our lifetimes before we are born and that we send ourselves the people and the messages we need through out our lives to achieve this, but we still get to choose how it plays out by the choices we make everyday. i am not saying there isn't a god and we get to run wild. i'm saying we are "parts of the machine"...god is the collective energy of the universe. obviously i don't believe the theory of heaven and hell as prize or punishment. our souls get to play out the different scenarios until it is satisfied that it has experienced all that it wanted to and in the meantime the physical world is subjected to all the consequences of our choices (war / pollution / natural disasters / each generation being different than the previous / new diseases & remedies / destruction & creation, etc)
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while i'm re-reading what i just wrote here, this question pops into my mind: "are you telling me god has multiple personality disorder?" which in a way i'd have to answer "yes". not the disorder part, but the balance part...there need to be opposite poles for the universe to work. in order for you to experience failure you have to experience success and vice versa. same with happiness and sadness. love and fear...and in that case both the disorder and the balance. the universe (god) is everything...every emotion, every personality, both sides of the coin...good and bad. i don't believe there is judgment here. just consequences.
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god knows and sees everything because god is everything. and time, just like space is both a point and a line. for us to experience life, the angle has to be linear. and that is why we do not see the bigger picture. but god can see the point / the split second.
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that's my take anyway. i'm sure there are holes in my arguments and that i'll upset a lot of people who read this. i'm not trying to convince anyone that i'm right. just sayin...this is what i think. maybe it opens a door in your mind that helps you decide what you believe in. & by the way, what we believe is just one more choice we make.
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feel free to react to all this in anyway you choose...

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i do not know what you believe. and i do not wish to change your mind, because it is your choice. i can only say what i think. and you can say what you think. and that way we help each other to make sense of the mystery of it all.

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the soul of the soul of the soul

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“oh soul,
you worry too much.
you have seen your own strength
you have seen your own beauty
you have seen your golden wings.
of anything less,
why do you worry?
you are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul”
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- RUMI -
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(C) Photographs & edit, MJ Calitz, 2009

to boys with guitars...

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the sun. & the boy climbing her limbs. & even just wanting to hide her in poet's arms…what if she wanted him to take her lungs? even if it meant offering her heart too. three organs for the price of one girl. with slow eyes. & dripping lips. and oh, how she wanted him to smell her neck. his voice…his voice in her heart. sold this & that & anyway to her smiling i. & she, wolf inclined and hungry, took his eyes & sucked them dry. no tears. no please mister. no! it wasn't elegant at all. shh...oh love, do willow trees & boys climbing rocks ever find the sun before it dies? maybe we make it disappear by staring at it too hard. she read all of his living room notes. breathed them deep into her soul. took imaginary photographs of him pencil in hand, guitar in hands, her. in. his. hands. slow. & she laughed before he closed the drapes. & once again she found herself outside, ribbons flying in the sky. home? home is in her head, she said. & you are always welcome. even if she doesn't say hello…

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(C) Copyright, MJ Calitz, 2009 (written in reply to another poem). Drawing & edit, MJ, 2009 (click on pic if you wish to enlarge)

every moment, now

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if you could experience every moment of your life, from the minute you were born to the moment you blow out your last breath, all at once. right now. would that overwhelm you or make you calm? knowing that both the best and the worst thing already happened. knowing that you've loved & lost. that you've hurt & you've healed. you've wasted time. you've created something new. more than once. you've found the truth...or not. you've lived. & that in the end, it's not about whether you were good enough, but if you paid attention...knowing all that, tell me, would it overwhelm you or calm you down? would it change the way you live the rest of your life? & would you be more or less inclined to forgive yourself, love yourself, BE yourself...

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. Photograph, MJ, 2008

faith, hope & love

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"i believe in love. i believe in hard times & love winning. i believe marriage is hard. i believe people make mistakes. i believe people can want two things at once. i believe people are selfish and generous at the same time. i believe very few people want to hurt others. i believe that life can surprise you. i believe in happy endings."
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- Isabel Gillies -

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(C) Photographs MJ Calitz, 2009

snow fairies & iced trees

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. YOU CAN CLICK ON IMAGES TO ENLARGE

the little heartbreaks

I finally understand why the little heartbreaks are the ones that hurt the most. It's because we feel guilty about them. Not because they happened, but because they're so small that we think we're probably not even supposed to feel anything at all…Or we feel silly for believing in it in the first place. So on top of the sadness, we heap guilt for feeling anything (or everything)…And so, the little heartbreaks turn into the big ones. Remember those paper cuts…how they hurt like hell, but you're not supposed to cry about them because…well, some people don't have hands for goodness sake. Okay…so sometimes I'm a little dramatic. Haha. BUT I've decided that I'll give my latest little heartbreak the time it deserves, at least from me, so that I can move on. And that means I've wrote something and painted something…
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tuesday
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mother of love
soul from which i come
let me bloom for you
let my belly grow
with life
& sisterhood
i cannot wait
to meet her heart
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& i am not supposed to hope
but you know, i always do
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saturday
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yes, i hoped again. for new life to grow inside of me. maybe tHis time. little hands & feet. little heaRt. all the signs were there. at least in mY head. so i hoped. & then i bled. again. & of course i cried. but these kind of tears choose dark nights to fall. silently. when no one's looking at you. because you just can't bear the sympathy in their eyes. or woRse, the "i told you so's" taunting you to feel guilty. about hoping. agaiN. so you pretend to be scratching his back in the dark. when really, you're crying. release is a flood of tears stinging your eyes burning your cheeks. & darKness is both mercy & loneliness. but you can't blame anyone for that. because yOu chose it when you didn't speak up. how many moRe months, years, lifetimes? & how many more tearS. & why doesn't it get any easier? maybe practice doesn't always make perfect. but the next morning aLways makes a new sunrise. & life goes on. yeah, liFe goes on

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sunday
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here's my message for the day:
give yourself permission to feel whatever you're feeling, no matter how small or silly. & it doesn't hurt either to find a little humor in dark times if it get's you through the day
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. water colors, MJ, 2009

more bunnies & teacups

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. photos taken 2009

a bunny isn't a horse...

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after i wrote that "then alice, tired of sitting on a mushroom..." piece the other day, i remembered another alice piece i wrote last year, called "furry alice"...it's about supposed to's & rules & fitting in, but also being able to stand up and say, "hey, this is me...i'm a little furry, but i promise i don't bite"...
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furry alice
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sNake! in the barn. horses buck & whinny, eyes wide with nO this isN't how you pLay! close the barn. close the whole daMn farm

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but look. it's just a little bunny. fuRRy & white. little pink nose

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follow the rabbit. follow the rulebook. follow the leader uP the ladders & uP the limbs. doWn the snakes & keep that gRin. cat. fat. mad. hat. and whOt? is this then. TEApots for eaRS???

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then alice, not quite being herself, and not watching her step, fell into the rabbit hole. she feLL and feLL and feLL. she bit her lip. she skinned her knees. what ever fOr? sillyGRL

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sTop thAt cloCk!

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pancakes & tea?

the qUeen said yEs

but the king's hoRses said nO, said

but she's a giRL! she's not fROm here
she couldn't wOULdn't shouldn't

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hold yEr hoRses

why sO serious BabyBaby?

it's oNly tea & jabberwocky

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& sometimes you gotta admit that maybe you just don't fit and move on, instead of trying to fit into someone else's box and be who you are not. because it shouldn't be hard to be yourself. LOVE YOURSELF. ALWAYS.

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008. Photos, drawings & edits, MJ, 2009

dreSs uP

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wHeN it'S wHite ouTsiDE...

mAke iT coLorfuLL iNsidE

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. All pictures taken today.

twin souls

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for my sisters, chosen in life & with love...

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heart, i am your sister. we are free & soFt & dark. we are caged inside our childhood tears. rain softly on this heart. but we can only stay. here. barely enough. hovering on the edge of our dreams. our feet dangling dangling dangling. our wings cut from the same paper. delicate & tough. & the sun will aLways shine again. no matter how rough. how broken. how this is life. we gather our pieces every day. we stay. you are my sister. twin of my souL. heart of my heart. freckle on my wing. & heaRt, i miss you every day

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(C) Copyright & collage, MJ Calitz, 2009

winter wonderland

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yesterday i brAved the cold & the icy roads to take some winter pictures. i lost my kar keys in the snow on the side of the road for a fReezing agonizing moment aNd got stuck in the mud (an anGel of a man helped me). i'm so veRy grateful for aLL the help i received from above. thaNk you thanK you thank yOu! these are some of my favorite pictures...more later.

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i believe in miracles & angels

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. Pictures taken 2009

stained glass

water colors & dual brush pen,

MJ Calitz, 2009

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round & round

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...then alice, tired of sitting on a mushroom all day, decided to take a nap and climbed on a pink flower. for pink flowers made the most fragrant pillows, you see. no sooner had she fallen asleep, when suddenly, she found herself inside the most beautiful carousel. of course she knew that it was just a dream. but she had so much fun going up & down and round & round that she really didn't mind at all…
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz 2009. Pictures taken at the Nickelodeon Universe theme park inside the Mall of America in Minneapolis, MN, 2008.

Cut iT oUt

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So...wHat do yOu do wheN it'S raiNinG iCe ouTsiDe? & you'Re wAitiNg 4 thE laUndrY to fiNish, savE watChing the cLothEs spin rOund aNd roUnd??? You listeN to Katie Melua sinG the bluEs, dRink sWeet cOffee, eAt bRan & suNflowEr seEd biScotti @ teA tiMe imAgiNing raBbitS & gaRdeNfoLk drOp in 4 a siP, a niBble oR a littLe bit of goSsip . thEn you cuT paPer boYs & giRlS hoLding hAnds & fLowers on stRings & buTteRfliEs fLUtteriNg by 4 hOurs of whiMsical fUn

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MJ Calitz, 2009

bird feathering

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what if i like stars exploding inside my skin, would you contain me climbing in, drink my scream…& if my seams unravel while i selfishly gather bird feathers for my soul, would you cup my face in your calm, roll me into your arms…
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& could you still love me then?
even if i'm me…or specially because
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(C) Copyright & collage MJ Calitz, 2009