balance it out

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he says it's because i'm weak

she says it's because i'm strong

they both say it's because i'm too nice

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find the balance...

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

(painting oilpastels & water colors, photo edited 2008)

holy guacamole

• new favorite movie: martian child
• i painted my kitchen & living room guacamole green

• yesterday i fell off my bicycle going uP a hill. (apparently the bike was in 7th gear...wHot?!?!? i didn't even kNow my bike hAd 7 gears. but more impoRtaNtly, hoW did it geT there?)

shine

('girl in the rain' drawing 1995, photo edit 2008)
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sun is shining outside
shiver this girl inside my tears
lift her head to the sun
& shine shine shine
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time will eventually eat your silence
one day @ a time
& i
am fine

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

antique

(picture taken 2008)

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old things shine different in antique malls like bleached white cotton dresses embroidered with proud faded flower glass bottles frosted by time cracked dolls in sunday clothes & frayed hair unpolished silver spoons shiny plastic micky mouse floppy eared books filled with old stories stacked in old leather suitcases that travelled far glass cabinets filled with grandmother jewelry kitchen tables smoothed by generations of chipped flowery china. they think it's trash. i love it all. these old things, they tell stories of lives lived inside the clock of time itself freezing yesterdays in the little things. things we use will one day be sold in antique malls…
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

fully me

(photograph of flower summer 2008, edited today)

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old demons temporarily came to visit last night…and haunted me for a while. but then i remembered that i’ve already caught them, bottled them and corked them. and i felt sad recognizing steps already learned, but not remembered. and i felt proud of what i’ve done and how far i’ve come
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today i thank god for blessing me each day with angel kisses full of gentle healing and soul reminders. and though i do not like everything that i have created through the years, i bless them all and i recognize their place at my table, everything that i have done and everyone that has touched my life, even those from who i wanted to run. today i celebrate all of me centered, creative & strong

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2006

perspective

(picture taken 2008)

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if something becomes too big, or blocks out your sun...just change the angle.

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we choose our own realities, how much power we give to others and our reactions when our expectations aren't met. we send negative (or positive) energy back into the universe. we make new choices (or the same ones, if we haven't learnt our lessons yet).

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choosing your own reality is what life is all about. sometimes we fall or we get cut. action...reaction. & choice...like getting up & moving on. yes, you can.

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learn. grow. live

& be loved
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paste a flower on my smile

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i could give this to you all pretty and delicate...like a wish or a butterfly wing...like it all started...

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OR i could give it to you raw and distorted...like it ended, bleeding all over my fingers. have you ever drawn pictures with crayons or oil pastels, pushing them too hard on the paper so that they break between your fingers and smear all over the page?
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black hoLes ate your woRds like paCman running ever shriNking circles in white bOxes staring back at you staring back at mE & i thought it was me…but it nEver was. then, words cut like raZors dipped in lieS poisoning my soul. i bLeed tears. paSte a fLower on my face. i feeL cut open cut uP cut off. "leSs fun," you say. hoW? did it get so uGLy sO fast… how many shoWers does it take to feeL cleaN again? and how many tiMes does a heart have to bReak to learn? from the saMe mistake
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…but didn't you knOw? broken doLLs can smile too. laugh even. noT because they want to, but because they caN. [faKe it work it cry iNside] and she woN't be smashed trashed inside your wine dreNched breath or shot into your veins eVer again if you cUt her heart out with your knife sTill in her back or your fEar of being trapped or your eX-girlfriend eating your heart for a snaCk. because she reFuses to die agaiN. and she wouLdn't wanna be "less fUn"…
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

mannequin me

on my trip i started a love affair with mannequins...my camera loves them! found this one on Route 66. i call her
"sexy nurse"

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(pic taken Sept 2008)

paint me butterflies

(collage, 2008)

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it's 2h25 am. this day was like a magic paintbrush that never stopped, coloring pages with creative energy spilling over after too many days of no "painting" & finally a day to spill over in...

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i painted with poems cemented into photographs of doors & butterflies hanging on ribbons pinned to paper

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stringed

(oil pastels & water colors, 2008)

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red balloon i send my heaRt to you with stringed kisses stringed cheese stringed thoughts meLting into lips dripping i driNk you like ice tea sand castles blowing sand over my i. eyes blinking sLow. some days the ice even melts & i wonder wHy i wanted to fly. sun is warm. then he trips me aGain. & again. then he loves me daisy petals fLying…he loves me he loves me not yoU love me you love me nOt. how could you? when i'm so here sO uNlovable some days someone else's days. not me. me. aLways me. what else can i do than live in the moment…and sTill i fly…to you. how could i noT? trains & cheese & songs playing in my head. i take pictures for you i write books for you i drink you like thiRsty tea and soFt pillows. sand castles blowing sand in my i…

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

i'm baCK!

(picture taken at the beach in San Francisco, 2008)

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hello everyone!

i 'm back from my trip and home alone again...yay!

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wow, what a trip! i saw...the mall of america in minneapolis, mount rushmore, yellowstone, the badlands, the mojave desert (including great basin), san francisco (including alcatraz and the golden gate bridge), LA, hollywood (walk of fame), universal studios, famous beaches like venice's muscle beach, santa monica pier & malibu, back to the desert, through joshua tree, death valley (so hOt!) and the bright lights of las vegas, route 66, the grand canyon and monument valley...we drove through 16 states! don't even ask me how many miles. i took a million pictures too. this one is probably my moSt favorite and yes, that is my handwriting and those are my footprints in the sand...

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it's good to be back...

to all who visit here...

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tHis bloG will nOt bE uPdaTed for tHe neXt 6 weeKs

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i'm entertaining guests form south africa & going on a cross country trip all the way to california and back including such beautiful places as the grand canyon and las vegas. hopefully i'll take lots of stunning pictures and share them with you when i get back.

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iN tHe meaN tiMe, pLeasE feeL fRee to viSit thiS spAce as oFten as yOu waNt and i'll sEe yoU wHen i seE YOu...

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xoxoxo
mj
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life's too short

(oil pastels & water colors, 2008)

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i'm falling falling into your heart like a little star finding home...

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watch this movie: garden state

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new songs in my ear:

bright eyes - first day of my life

regina spector - samson / fidelity / better

damien rice - the blower's daughter

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fragile

(oil pastels & water colors, 2008)

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scab

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we run. separately
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but. every time i hit a milestone. or you hit one. i remember. i remember darkness in the room. i remember dolls & pretty dresses. i remember your clammy fingers. everywhere. shame is a planet far from here. and i am a fairy princess living there. i am not from this world. nor will i ever be. i fly. pie! pie! the king says, bake me a cherry pie with baby cherries. fresh & sweet. sing me a song. weep me a garden. only pink flowers grow there. snow white sheep nuzzle my cheek. i hug them deep. soft & safe. you will never reach me here. i nap under shady trees. i sing
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why?
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why? does it sometimes feel like i'm picking a scab that's already healed. why does it bleed?
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so you're walking down the aisle again
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who cares

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

you. i breathe

(poem & dual brush pens, 2008)

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i bReathe the uNcut flowers grOwing in your soul. grow groW she whiSpers drEams. coMe fill my ear. i drink you tHirsty with grins gRowing roots in laUghing wrinkles kiSsed my eyes. your whiMsical heaRt is fertile ground is bEautifully siLLy jokes is sWeet warm tea nourishing my fAiry berry dreams liFting me up up uP. i aM the sUn. sunrays nO greys. just yelloW blooms filling my nose kiSsing both iLashes with petalled fiNger aFternoons. tea? 4for 2two. pOpcorn & winged cocoons. yOu pull me iN you sPin me deep stuCk in favorite cookie trees. leaves rustle my kNees. you plaNt me like an uN cut fLower. yoU. i breathe

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

not an oil painting

(photo edit with water colors in background, 2008)

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he's not an oil painting
my mother would say
of men who didn't look
like pretty boys
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i've had oil paintings before
but they just don't fit me
because i guess i'm
a crayon kind of girl
who likes
to get her hands dirty
every so once in a while

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

sTar

(water colors, oil pastels & ink, 2008)

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visited

(photo taken & edited, 2008)

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i sensed rather than saw there in the corner a dark angel hanging upside down from the ceiling of my room tea stained wings folded like a cocoon silent screams piercing my soul with electric guitars screeching within eyes the color of ice water stabbing searching my soul. for what? did they think me a threat. little me? why? i could barely fathom the magnitude the expanse of the surface skimmed unconnected morsels weaved inside a web of too much. & for a minute half awake i cringed my fear swallowing me in a sea of hell inside my heart beating like an injured bird inside my hand. & for a second i believed it was real. i saw you too. you felt it in your dreams.
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and to this day, angel of death or angel of truth or just a half dreamt up vision going "poof." i still don't know. but this i do. after that winter i wasn't so scared anymore

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

i am a flower too

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when he was just a boy, he thought...

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i think that's sweet

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because i wasn't always the pretty flower...

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but i chose to grow roots

& i'm blooming lovely now
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(painting: mj, oilpastels & watercolors, 2008

photograph: me, age 8, i think

card: "blooming lovely" b. downes)

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the official "just because i care spur of the moment" card that i could frame from the best roommate ever! (we didn't plan this) love you babe! Stellenbosch, 1996
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thaNk yOu So mucH (!) for aLL the heaRtfelt wisHes & pReseNts 4 my BiRtHdaY, yeSterDay. y'all R 2 sPeciAL 2 me
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