live YOUR life

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Look, I'm not saying dreaming is wrong. There are different kinds of dreaming & some of them are good for you. e.g. dreams for your future, dreaming that leads to creativity, even a little dreaming for a moment of stress relief. These are all healthy and normal.
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But for some people there comes a point when your daydreams become obsessive fantasies about things that can never happen. And just like a drug, you experience highs when you're using (dreaming) & lows when you're not. And eventually you become addicted. You know I'm talking about you when you prefer the dream world to reality, you lose hours in your day just dreaming & you actually get annoyed when interrupted. That's when dreaming is of the unhealthy kind. Because not only are you sacrificing the here & now for what will never be, missing your life, you are idealizing your future & setting yourself up for a life of disappointment where happiness becomes ever elusive. Do you see now why this kind of dreaming is not good for you? Like any other addiction, it is just another form of self sabotage.
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Some people wait a lifetime for their lives to begin. They think "if only this" or "if only that...my life will be perfect." But what if "if only" never comes...
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Live now. live YOUR life.
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(C) Photographs & edits, MJ Calitz, 2008 & 2009

a horse is a bird

(read "facing birds" first, then this will make a little more sense. maybe.)

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what is this i see? two birdhouses nesting. twin mickey mice walking uP the wall. imagiNe the conversation. it cracks me up. add a pig with a ring in his mouth. no, make that an apple, why nOt? paint it gold. red pig, gold apple. stuck on a birdhouse. stuck on you. stuCk here. uNglue my shoes from this fantasy pLease. it's just...the days are so boring. why not add spice, make it nice? the only problem with spice, is that it's addictive & 2too fast. i never could catch a bird before without burning my fingers. that's wHy i stare @ birdhouses. climb inside. hide. [note to self: get ouT] why this sudden fascination with biRds? birds that fly. bird nests. birdhouses...WHAT? don't you have a LIFE?

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...why don't you go ride a horse instead?

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a horSe is just another biRd, she said. dOn'T you get it? a horse is a bird is a drug as long as you hide inside your head. geT ouT!
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. photograph & edit, mj, columbus art festival, 2009.

facing birds

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one day, when i was a bout 4 years old, a man came to the creche. he wanted me to smile for the birdie in the lens. what nonsense is this, i wondered. who would want a picture of me? although "my mother" would have been the logical answer and they took pictures of all the other kids too, for some reason i panicked. all i knew was that it felt uncomfortable and i didn't want to be there. so i ran outside and i tried to hide on a wooden horse swing in the playground. i thought for sure he wouldn't find me there (or he would give up). but of course he did (& he didn't).

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i still run. everyday. camouflage the chiLd behind the girl riding a wooden horse hoMe. purple flowers grow in my garden. i think if i could curl into a ball and hide underneath the fragile petals, i probably would. wHy so coward? those pants don't fit me anymore. i've grown since then. gremlins use to live inside my skin. and churches were buildings inside my guilt. so many, so big for a fairy girl's souL. water my roots. shed my skin so i can grOw. make space for wings. time is the teacher that adds rings. but it's up to me to fertilize and bE. here

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it doesN't make sense to run & hide anymore. at some point, i have to face the bird, and smiLe

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009

unweave

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life unravels while i unweave

hanging on a ray of hope

& time is a verb...

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009

wave goodbye

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some days are just piNk days

pink car pink hair pink socks

and all i have to do is

stop. breathe. & wave goodbye
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(C) MJ Calitz. Photographs, MJ, 2008

don't live in a nest

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he aLways loves me

even when he caN't be my pain

even when he dares to tRy to understand

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because soMe days i disappear

behind the lace curtain in my miNd

where streams flow uPside down

and screams make aBsolutely nO sound

some days i sWim in question marks

some days i rain. blinK hard. fake sane

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there once was a woman

who thought she was a biRd

she build a nest around herself

iN her mind. safe & sound

even though she couldn't fly

(or maybe beCause she couldn't fly)

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maybe i have a nest too

because i sometimes diSconnect

just like my dog who has a fear of tiles

she stares & aims. negotiate the liNes

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wHat if the world was built with blocks

like mini nesting boxes. squAred

of couRse it would be lined with fuR

and answers would coMe

wrapped in bows

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but that would be cheating, yeS?

there are many kinds of nests

i. choose. noT to live inside

a neSt. again.

it will be hard

but i will try & tRy

until i fLy

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. Collage, MJ, 2009

grow deeper

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i grow deeper. like a flower seeking soil with roots ever curious & copiously digging. i choose to grow upwards. reaching for the sun. drink rain. purple, she is a queen of the earth. plant me. i am the sun. and everything is as it should be. wrap my leaves around me. i am free...
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movie: paycheck
"the moment we see our future,

it takes away our free will"
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book: your erroneous zones

(author: dr. wayne dyer)
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"you are the sum total of your choices"
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reply by "the mingo" on

my gypsy inside poem:

"Ya got things growing inside of you. That's why the gypsy. She always has the same two words on her lips. She never says go here go there. She never says be this or be that. She never ever says choose. She never gives directions. Ya got things growing inside of you & the gypsy always and only says 'MORE ROOM, MORE ROOM!!' "

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even my body feels restrictive to me these days... & this morning i remembered these drawings i did in 1995
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(C) All art & photographs, MJ Calitz, 1995 & 2009 (click on pics to enlarge)

art is art

(oil pastels & acrylics on paper, mj calitz, 2009)

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For some reason I had this idea in my head that art had to be perfect. It had to be something that others would like and approve of and as an artist, you had to have a specific style. Where in the world did I get those ideas? I have no clue. What I am learning lately though, is that all that is crap. Art is art. It's whatever original image you dream up in your head and then realize & display by whatever means you seem fit. It's creation, pure and simple. Who cares if everyone doesn't like it, or if you have multiple ways of sharing your artistic ideas? And what is perfect? Often I find that imperfection leads to a richer more satisfying product. It leads to finding creative solutions and unique styles. It makes you turn mistakes into art. So this is what I have decided: From now on, I will be proud of all my artwork, even if it isn't someone else's idea of perfect or even good. because aRt is ART.

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009

gypsy inside

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i ignored her then, the gypsy's call
to whales & pottery wheels
when i was 22 & had the perfect chance
blinded by what good girls do
responsibility. bills to pay
put one foot in front of the other
away from silly dreams
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i've ignored her for years
to paint in "france." never had the chance
but i saw it clear. stealing beauty clear
vineyards & orchards
summer dress & sun on legs
old dog following me around
around a big old kitchen table,
people talk & eat. soul
dance by firelight
make art
make love because it feels right
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tears keep spilling
over these fairy cheeks
it doesn't take much these days
this gypsy call never goes away
sometimes it just fades
but it always returns
to haunt my soul. then overflows
it's in my blood. i got it from my dad
thirsty soul. hole in my heart
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she's calling again…find the sun
not just sun on legs, but sun inside
clay on hands. paint on anything.
dance. find the soul inside the girl
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but how?
the urge doesn't erase the real
will it always just be
an unanswered call
this gypsy inside my tear
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009

tea with the 3 bears

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tHen goLdilocks took a biTe of her caNdy aPple & the 3 bears aLL bLushed in different cOlors. oNe bear turned rEd, one, gReen and one, yelloW. hOw sweeT! goldilocks thought...wHo doeSn't liKe brigHtly colored, shiNy, fAt, littLe bEars? i thinK i'll keEp them...

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009. Photograph, MJ Calitz, LA, 2008.

mind the crumbs

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juSt little morsels of smashed cAke fell to the ground when she licked heR fingers cleaN. it isN't like i waNt to make a mess, she thought, buT soMe days her wings seemed imPossibly heavy & sometimes impoSsibly light. and bOth can be an obstacle depending on how you look aT it. Look! it's a fLying tea cUp & keys hanging on springs. what eLse do you see? giRls and stars and fUrry cars. she liked fuR on fur oN fur. tranSLation: soFt. like woolly sheep. remeMber? she liked saFe. but safe can be a triCk of the mind. miNd the trojan horse iNside the smile. sMiLe. doN't miNd the smile. it makes me siCk, how much she Smiles. it isN't normal. but tHen she never sAid she was normal. normal iS as normal dOes. & nObody eVer got famous by being noRmal. so let's recaP: noT an angel. fAiry. saFe. vaiN. honestly, it couLd be woRse. what she's trYing to say is, pLease doN't mind the selfish cruMbs faLLing from her liPs…

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(C) art & poem, mj calitz, 2009

soul things

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my 6 fav soul things, right now:

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1. body & soul magazine

2. granola, yoghurt & fresh strawberries for breakfast

3. morning meditation

4. gypsy kings greatest hits energizing my shower

5. painting without interruption

6. books & bowls. i bought this delightful little bowl @ anthropologie yesterday. i usually just shop there with my eyes and my heart falling head over heals in love with teacups and dish towels. but i couldn't resist this darling bowl. here's a link if you like this kind of thing. (click on "for your home" and then "kitchen & tabletop" for tableware) http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/index.jsp

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009

PB & J for the soul

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she teases me with peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches that aren't sandwiches at all & grins. if we could all be cake, what would you be? today i feel like a chocolate cupcake with cream cheese icing...yum

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(C) acrylics on paper, MJ Calitz, 2009

surrender

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These are the questions I've been asking myself these past few weeks...why do I procrastinate so? And what is chasing me?
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You see, some mornings, I just want to crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head and hide from whatever is eating me up inside. You know that feeling too, don't you? It's that demon that gnaws on the inside of your throat. It's the thing that immobilizes you. It's a belief that is rooted deep within you by a combination of past trauma, personal survival skills, conditioning, genetics, etc. In my case, my fear of not being enough. It cripples me some days. And I have tried to fight it, but it always comes back, just like you have tried to conquer your personal demons, and failed many times. And no matter how hard we fight this thing or how many times we try, we keep failing. So we try to ignore it. We hide it from others. We bury it deeper. But it always comes back to bite us. This is the thing that secretly brings us to our knees with the sheer shame & powerlessness of it all. This is the thing that makes us feel like a failure even though others perceive us differently. This is the wall we hit, the silent enemy within. The thing that makes us want to crawl into stronger arms and whimper "I can't."
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And that is exactly what we are supposed to do. Surrender. Because, if you could conquer this thing on your own...this addiction, this fear, this belief, you would have found a way by now. Of course you would. It is in our nature to control what we fear. We are experts on this. But everything is not always in our control. Sometimes we just need to be brutally honest with ourselves & be willing to surrender our fears & our demons to a greater power. Whether you believe that power to be internal or outside of yourself, it doesn't really matter. And this giving up, this surrender, does not have to be grand or embarrassing. No. It is as simple as a request or a prayer. What matters here is that you admit to yourself that you cannot do it alone and ask for help. Ask a friend, a therapist, or that which you believe to be God. But ask. I have conquered many demons this way, including depression. There is no shame in asking for help. Sometimes we just forget or we cling to our pride.
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So last night, out of desperation, I picked up a book which I knew have several exercises on meditation in search for one that would address this ache of mine. I found one that was a perfect fit. It focuses on the general meditation technique of easing tension with breath and statements that you complete and repeat, such as "I surrender...(my fear)", "I let go of...(my expectations)" and "I quit trying to...(always be perfect)" until you feel the tension leave your body. You fill in the blanks with whatever applies for you. self examination and honesty is required here, otherwise it is a waste of time. So I tried it this morning and I feel better. It is of course not a quick fix, but with practice and the willingness to be honest with myself, always, I know that I can conquer this fear eventually. I believe that the universe wants us to be happy & will help us if we ask.
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So next time you hit a wall, try honesty, surrender & persistence. And remember that change comes by taking little steps. If you have this kind of demon, you are not alone. Let's do this together.
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(C) MJ Calitz. Photographs & edit, MJ Calitz, California 2008

float midflight

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the scene is a citadel, matrix style. i crouch graCefully on top of a concrete tRee with shiny mirrored leaves observing miniature giaNts down below. they aLL seem to know wHere to go. this is a dreaM but it couLd have been a movie if it waSn't so surreal. the phone rings. pieRcing thick white silence. the white rabbit runs. oLd mother speaks. of winged insects sCreaming in pain. & time sLiPping through. fingers grab my feaR & shaKe. her wrinkles fall into my ears like piNk lipstick smears. it's time to shed thiS skin. if i could just shrug off the fairy riding me like a wiLd mustang, kick off iMaginary stripper shoes…panic rises in my throat. i could aLways floaT. but soMe days i can't fiNd the ground. & there's nowhere leFt to hide. croSs my legs. cLose my eyes. breathe. breatHe. i become a floWer. viRginal & caLm. i float above the furry caR parked inside my souL. buildings fade. roads evaporate. the wind catches my hair miDflight. i land on clouds of miNt green. "breathe" she whiSpers softly, then disappears

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(C) Poem & art, MJ Calitz, 2009

oh andy...

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(C) Photograph, MJ Calitz, 2008

sew me a hug

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this is hug me

no specific gender or kind

just a fat belly and open arms

saying "please hug me"

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009

aliCe, where did you go?

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her voiCe was cleaR as bells on fingers
"groW me an antique hair brush
& a roSe in my hair
& i'll be the sweetheaRt that you seek.
i'll serve you creaM @ teaTime,
straWberries in crystal gLass,
shoRtbread on sticks
& vanilla coconut icing oN me"
wHat did she say? she speaks
but i doN't understand a woRd
shh! listeN.
gLue me a bird on a branch
& him inSide my eye
and i'll tell you what she said
she said, "lover,
i'll be your cake any aNy time"
how? easy would that bE
like bells on fingers easy
iNstead she hides
the laughing porcelain cat
like an abandoned egg in a neSt
he feels lonely & sO very faR away
she dreams of him @ night but.
aliCe, where did you go?
he's the candy iNside the cLock
shh! looK.
she wanders bLindly
inside her seCret garden
absentmindedly kiSsing bird beaks
& plucking minutes from trees
turN your rosy cheek. kiss kisS
so surreal. waKe up!
i love him so veRy much but.
he's noT here when here is reaL
alice, wheN did you leave?
& walt, whaT did the doorman say?
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(C) Poetry & photographs, MJ Calitz, 2008 & 2009

streams of impolite

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you might understand this lament, this ache inside, this emptiness, this void. or you might not. why is it unusual? it's just me. take my hand & lead me to that sickle moon where i last left you to wonder about life and "hold to soul. hold. hold." yes! hold. doesn't dance take you there too? deep inside your core where the ache begins and it's so sad but you don't want to leave. and strangely the piano does that too...so achingly beautiful. these words have been straining to come out. i can. play. i can't play. (no words come) control this silly cake eating fairy who yearns for clouds on her tongue. who screams. pierce my dreams. hold your tongue. hold! it's not always polite to talk. these little looks she gives me, the fairy inside. like delicate accusing feet's pitter patter. like rain on window panes. rain rain...the grass is dying. dye my hair. i don't want to but grey is not cool & newborn hair refusing to lie flat is not polite either. in fact it's like cellulite on thighs & orange peel in eyes. it burns. close my i. why is it okay for others to just be? (but not for me) & how does it look so damn easy? stop! breathe. begin with this, these words. reveal. release. let them fly. sometimes i hate pathetic swimming in my poems. so fucking tragic. so drowning queen. too fragile & too impolite. stop. breathe. allow to be me. shiny & warm. no visitor counter. comment if you like. or not. & i want to play with you but. it's just...the days are too short and sometimes the connection between my brain and my hands, my brain and my tongue, my brain and my life, fails. miserably. pathetically. impolitely. and instead of saying this is about dancing and cake, but it's not, this is about emotions and yearnings, i write poems crying wolf to the moon. so...you might understand this. or you might not. either way, i'll sit down and shut up now.

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(C) Copyright, MJ Calitz, 2009. Photograph taken by MJ, Florida, 2009

moon dance

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sickle moon,
i send my wish to you
i send my hunger
i send my ache
i send my guitar wedding cake
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i reach my arms, my hands
my fingers stretched
on toes i dance
stretch. arch. control
lose all my emotions to you
catch it back
hold to my soul
hold
hold
if i could dance like an angel

on muscled legs
on clouds of beautiful
on soul
pump me full
pump me full
eat my fill of wedding cake
instead i sit here
here i sit
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sickle moon,
i send my empty to you
no child to hold
no dance
no you
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. all art & digital collage, mj, 08 & 09

hugMe 2

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this is lovebug (who wouldn't love a face like that?)

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& daisy doll (sister africa meets sweetheart)

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(my dog loved her too)

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009

strangers & friends

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i wore my blue dress friday..."looK mommy, a priNcess!" he said, but all i saw was my funny toes aNd the sun reflecting off my curLs

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i wore my blue dress suNday..."are you going to a partY?" he teased, but all i saw was loVe & laughter aNd she hugged me all nighT long
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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009

gReeN

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so this morning i was in the mood for fresh morning air and green grass...big was my surprise when i checked on the nest and found an egg inside. creation. possibility. life! my trees are now houses for birds. how awesome is that?

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have a beautiful weekend
love & sunshine
mj
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(C) Photographs, MJ Calitz, 2009

wild flower

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(C) Photograph & painting, MJ Calitz, 2009

butterfly dreams

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in her dreaM she wore a coat of fir & wHen she blinked, butterfLies appeared like fReckles peeling off her face. wHat joy, she thought…aNd what poEtry...

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btw david found this little bird nest in a baby fir tree in our back yard saturday morning and i had to take a picture (or three). & yes, all the trees in our back yard are baby size...hopefully with lots of rain and love they will grow up to be "reading poetry under the tree" or "having a picnic in the shade" trees one day & have lots of birds nests...i added the paper butterfly when i took the picture, because i'm such a silly romantic girl & i loved the green inside green effect.
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(C) Poetry, photographs & edit, MJ Calitz, 2009

one life

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in the end it doesn't matter what you think of me. it matters that i live my life

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009. photograph taken by MJ, 2008

disintegration & reconstruction (1)

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Yesterday I was inspired by one of my favorite blogs http://thealteredpage.blogspot.com/. The artist challenged other artists to join his disintegration collaboration project, in which you put together different elements and leave it outside for a period of time to disintegrate, after which you can then display it as art for the sake of disintegration or take it apart and use it in other art pieces.

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Because i loved the idea of disintegrating and reconstructing materials, I decided to try it, MJ style of course. So I took a strip of textured paper and added paint, teabags, felt, crumpled pieces of typed poetry, ribbons & threads, pins & paperclips and took some "before" pictures.

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Then I added an extra teabag for love and another strip of textured paper on top for a possible reversed faded copy, rolled, wrapped and bagged it and hung it outside in the rain on the baby maple tree in my backyard hoping for some bleeding and maybe rusting effects. (orange bags are handy for so many things.)

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I couldn't take a picture of the package hanging in the tree for you, because it has been raining nonstop since last night and the wind is doing the blur dance with my camera. maybe later. and yay(!) for the rain (my grass and trees are happy too).

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Now all you have to do is wait and see what happens next...

smiles & kisses

mj

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(C) MJ Calitz, 2009

paint brush

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april skies in orange swirl

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(C)Painting, Acrylics on canvas panel, MJ, 2009

bounce & fly

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he throws me with an airplane
it bounces off me
like a white rubber thing
he laughs
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life is like that
it gets thrown at you
from all angles
it can be a train smash
a natural disaster
a joke. or
a little knock on the door
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it all depends on
where you sit
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& how you land
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. picture & edit, mj, 2009

no rules

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sometimes i don't write anything and that's okay too

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(C) mj calitz, 2009

lulu rabbit

when i was a child i had a pink paisley bunny...

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meet lulu

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i made her! she's the first in a series of "hug me dolls" that will hopefully one day belong to a child that will adore her just like i adored my bunny. so watch this space for more "hug me's"

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(C) mj calitz, 2009

hiding in my head

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they won't find you here
here inside my head
no, they won't
find you standing
right there
there right next to me
because here
inside my head
there are also words
feminine & photographs
order, attic style
whimsy. shadows. chaos
earth, pink & spotlight
reflections in reflections
blur, contrast & repeat
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they think i am sunshine
they think i am dark
but really i am all of that
& everything between
so when they open me up
& look inside my head
don't be scared, my love
because they won't
find you in here
hiding everywhere
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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. Photograph, mj, 2008