snow fairies & iced trees

*
*
*
*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. YOU CAN CLICK ON IMAGES TO ENLARGE

the little heartbreaks

I finally understand why the little heartbreaks are the ones that hurt the most. It's because we feel guilty about them. Not because they happened, but because they're so small that we think we're probably not even supposed to feel anything at all…Or we feel silly for believing in it in the first place. So on top of the sadness, we heap guilt for feeling anything (or everything)…And so, the little heartbreaks turn into the big ones. Remember those paper cuts…how they hurt like hell, but you're not supposed to cry about them because…well, some people don't have hands for goodness sake. Okay…so sometimes I'm a little dramatic. Haha. BUT I've decided that I'll give my latest little heartbreak the time it deserves, at least from me, so that I can move on. And that means I've wrote something and painted something…
*

*
tuesday
*
mother of love
soul from which i come
let me bloom for you
let my belly grow
with life
& sisterhood
i cannot wait
to meet her heart
*
& i am not supposed to hope
but you know, i always do
*

*
saturday
*
yes, i hoped again. for new life to grow inside of me. maybe tHis time. little hands & feet. little heaRt. all the signs were there. at least in mY head. so i hoped. & then i bled. again. & of course i cried. but these kind of tears choose dark nights to fall. silently. when no one's looking at you. because you just can't bear the sympathy in their eyes. or woRse, the "i told you so's" taunting you to feel guilty. about hoping. agaiN. so you pretend to be scratching his back in the dark. when really, you're crying. release is a flood of tears stinging your eyes burning your cheeks. & darKness is both mercy & loneliness. but you can't blame anyone for that. because yOu chose it when you didn't speak up. how many moRe months, years, lifetimes? & how many more tearS. & why doesn't it get any easier? maybe practice doesn't always make perfect. but the next morning aLways makes a new sunrise. & life goes on. yeah, liFe goes on

*
*
sunday
*

*
*
here's my message for the day:
give yourself permission to feel whatever you're feeling, no matter how small or silly. & it doesn't hurt either to find a little humor in dark times if it get's you through the day
*
*
(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2009. water colors, MJ, 2009

more bunnies & teacups

*

*
*
*

*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. photos taken 2009

a bunny isn't a horse...

*

*

after i wrote that "then alice, tired of sitting on a mushroom..." piece the other day, i remembered another alice piece i wrote last year, called "furry alice"...it's about supposed to's & rules & fitting in, but also being able to stand up and say, "hey, this is me...i'm a little furry, but i promise i don't bite"...
*
*
furry alice
*
sNake! in the barn. horses buck & whinny, eyes wide with nO this isN't how you pLay! close the barn. close the whole daMn farm

*

but look. it's just a little bunny. fuRRy & white. little pink nose

*

follow the rabbit. follow the rulebook. follow the leader uP the ladders & uP the limbs. doWn the snakes & keep that gRin. cat. fat. mad. hat. and whOt? is this then. TEApots for eaRS???

*

then alice, not quite being herself, and not watching her step, fell into the rabbit hole. she feLL and feLL and feLL. she bit her lip. she skinned her knees. what ever fOr? sillyGRL

*

sTop thAt cloCk!

*

pancakes & tea?

the qUeen said yEs

but the king's hoRses said nO, said

but she's a giRL! she's not fROm here
she couldn't wOULdn't shouldn't

*

hold yEr hoRses

why sO serious BabyBaby?

it's oNly tea & jabberwocky

*

*

*

*

& sometimes you gotta admit that maybe you just don't fit and move on, instead of trying to fit into someone else's box and be who you are not. because it shouldn't be hard to be yourself. LOVE YOURSELF. ALWAYS.

*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008. Photos, drawings & edits, MJ, 2009

dreSs uP

*
*
*

wHeN it'S wHite ouTsiDE...

mAke iT coLorfuLL iNsidE

*
*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. All pictures taken today.

twin souls

*

*

for my sisters, chosen in life & with love...

*

heart, i am your sister. we are free & soFt & dark. we are caged inside our childhood tears. rain softly on this heart. but we can only stay. here. barely enough. hovering on the edge of our dreams. our feet dangling dangling dangling. our wings cut from the same paper. delicate & tough. & the sun will aLways shine again. no matter how rough. how broken. how this is life. we gather our pieces every day. we stay. you are my sister. twin of my souL. heart of my heart. freckle on my wing. & heaRt, i miss you every day

*

*

(C) Copyright & collage, MJ Calitz, 2009

winter wonderland

*

*

*

*

yesterday i brAved the cold & the icy roads to take some winter pictures. i lost my kar keys in the snow on the side of the road for a fReezing agonizing moment aNd got stuck in the mud (an anGel of a man helped me). i'm so veRy grateful for aLL the help i received from above. thaNk you thanK you thank yOu! these are some of my favorite pictures...more later.

*
*
i believe in miracles & angels

*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. Pictures taken 2009

stained glass

water colors & dual brush pen,

MJ Calitz, 2009

*

round & round

*
*

*

*
...then alice, tired of sitting on a mushroom all day, decided to take a nap and climbed on a pink flower. for pink flowers made the most fragrant pillows, you see. no sooner had she fallen asleep, when suddenly, she found herself inside the most beautiful carousel. of course she knew that it was just a dream. but she had so much fun going up & down and round & round that she really didn't mind at all…
*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz 2009. Pictures taken at the Nickelodeon Universe theme park inside the Mall of America in Minneapolis, MN, 2008.

Cut iT oUt

*
*

*

*
So...wHat do yOu do wheN it'S raiNinG iCe ouTsiDe? & you'Re wAitiNg 4 thE laUndrY to fiNish, savE watChing the cLothEs spin rOund aNd roUnd??? You listeN to Katie Melua sinG the bluEs, dRink sWeet cOffee, eAt bRan & suNflowEr seEd biScotti @ teA tiMe imAgiNing raBbitS & gaRdeNfoLk drOp in 4 a siP, a niBble oR a littLe bit of goSsip . thEn you cuT paPer boYs & giRlS hoLding hAnds & fLowers on stRings & buTteRfliEs fLUtteriNg by 4 hOurs of whiMsical fUn

*

*

MJ Calitz, 2009

bird feathering

*

what if i like stars exploding inside my skin, would you contain me climbing in, drink my scream…& if my seams unravel while i selfishly gather bird feathers for my soul, would you cup my face in your calm, roll me into your arms…
*

*
& could you still love me then?
even if i'm me…or specially because
*

*
(C) Copyright & collage MJ Calitz, 2009

say i am you

*
*

filling my ears these days is the music from the cd "say i am you" by the weepies. these are my favorites:

• gotta have you
• world spins madly on
• painting by chagall
• not your year
• stars
• & slow pony home

okay, so it's half of the cd...haha. but this is the toe curling kind of music...the kind that makes you want to write poetry and bake cookies and kiss lovers. it comes complete with hand drawn pictures of birds and tea cups and stars. and this quote by rumi, which i instantly fell in love with and recognized as me:

*

"both candle & the moth crazy around it
say who i am
say i am you"

*

*

haPpY neW yeAr to aLL

*

spring days...

*
*

she dreams of spring days

she dreams of pretty shoes

*

...& cinnamon rolls

*

(fingers sticky

with cream cheese icing)

*

she dreams of love

she dreams of you

*

she dreams

she dreams

she dreams

*

glitter blue butterflies

kiss her eyes

pluck her flower

tickle her toes

*

plant little seeds of

hope

hope

hope

&

love

love

love

*

plant little seeds of stars

in her soul

*

of when it will be spring again

and butterflies will dance

on her heart

on her heart

*

maybe...

on her heart

*

*

(C) Copyright & collage MJ Calitz, 2008

package from home

*

my mom send me a package for christmas. she knitted me a hat and a scarf for the cold winter days. i love my hat and scarf. thanks mom.

*

*

*

*

my favorite christmas card this year says:

*

the greatest gift...

is not found under the tree,

but in the warm smiles

and the loving words

of the people around us

*

*

so this is me

wishing you

warm smiles

gingerbreadmen

fairylights & mistletoe

& loving words arms hearts

all season long

*

merry christmas everyone!

be well & be loved

*

*

puRple bubbLe

*
water colors, oil pastels & glitter glue. MJ, 2008

*

anniversary

*
*

today is my 10th wedding anniversary. how time flies...

*

i did not write a poem this year. so have this...a picture taken on our wedding day & last year's poem...

*
*
(9 YEARS) SWIM DEEP
*
today is the 9th anniversary of our wedding day
no flowers or bling or expensive dinner this year
we celebrate with pepsi & greasy fingers
and colonel saunders as our witness
i lick the crumbs from your mouth
remembering things going south and back again
i wonder why i still get shy
when you catch me doing something silly
you laugh and ask me. why
i hide behind you sometimes
later i try to write this poem
you hug me from behind
"do you know that i love you?"
of course, i say. how? you ask
because you buy me kentucky, i say
and because you said so. you smile
chocolate chip cake (compliments of the colonel),
a little comedy and "stealth" for desert
i scratch your back. you stretch my hip
we dive into oblivion. swim deep
deep blue's a good color for you, my love
your eyes speak. blue & sweet
i drown inside your kiss
we swim. deep and deeper
we come home
…remember this year. bittersweet
if i could take a picture of this day
this would be it.
*
*
(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2007

china it is

*

*

charLie **& *hiS *china *doll

took a bAth *in *china plates

they *weighed *their oPtions

thiS way &thAt. aNd decided

there's *nO place *like chinA

*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, poem & photograph 2008.

sink or swim

*

*

"Now then, Pooh," said Christopher Robin, "where's your boat?" "I ought to say," explained Pooh as they walked down the shore of the island, "that it isn't just an ordinary sort of boat. Sometimes it's a boat, and sometimes it's more of an accident. It all depends." "Depends on what?" "On whether i'm on the top of it or underneath it."

*

*
soMetimEs i foRgeT to sWim

...oR even juSt float
*

*

and on the subject of UNDERNEATH...

*

"It's Piglet!" cried Pooh eagerly. "Where are you?" "Underneath," said Piglet in an underneath sort of way. "Underneath what?" "You," squeeked Piglet. "Get up!"

*

*

(C) Painting: dual brush pen, watercolors and photo editing, MJ Calitz, 2008

greeN pig

(photograph taken summer 2008)

*

this is pRobabLy one of the cooleSt pictures i've ever takeN. i call it "i love my shady pig"

*

*

(C) MJ Calitz, 2008

playground fears

*
*

Okay, so here's the thing, I hate to wait. always have. Some people say I'm impatient. But really I'm just (still) that scared little kid waiting by her suitcase for her mother who kept forgetting that school came out early at the end of each quarter. Watching the other boarding school kids leave with their parents (who remembered them!). even the teachers packing their cars. And me smiling fake-ly and pretending that everything was fine. "oh no, she'll be here any minute." while the fear grew inside of me that maybe, just maybe, she won't come this time…
*
I forget how many times this happened. But it has left a scar on me that runs deeper than my conscious thought. It's pretty accurate to say that waiting freaks me out. It starts with the normal amount of concern, maybe a little irritation and then builds up into an explosive cocktail of fear, resentment, abandonment and anger that could probably annihilate a small town if I did explode. Irrational? Yes. Over reaction? Yes. But there it is.
*
It has a name. Fear of abandonment.
*
A couple of years back, one day I stood in the supermarket and got a panic attack when I suddenly realized that I lost the person I was with…or he "lost" me. He walked away because I took too long deciding on something as stupid as a new face cream or shampoo or something. I forget what it was. But I remember that I freaked out.

*

*
SUPERMARK
*
is jy al ooit teruggeruk na ‘n oomblik van seer
so intens dat jou brein stilhou
en jou asem stol?
*
het jy al ooit ‘n rollercoaster van emosies gery
of in ‘n splitsekonde
twintig jaar van jou lewe vergeet?
*
was jy al ooit dom van woede,
woedend van vrees
of paniekbevange van skrik?
*
ek het vandag
in ‘n supermark vol mense
jou naam uitgeroep
omdat ek vir ‘n oomblik weer klein was
en jy was weg
soos ‘n sandkorrel op ‘n ander planeet
*
*
this is how i feel sometimes
like a child lost in a supermarket
left behind…lost…scared & alone
so please forgive me
if i lash out like an injured animal
when you (intentionally or unintentionally)
forget me on the playground
*

*
(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2006 & 2008. "angel butterfly" photo edit, MJ, 2008. i was an angel with tinsel halo (minus one front tooth) in the christmas play one year.

birdhouse angel rose

*

*

"a rose by any other name is still a rose"...who said that? shakespeare, i think, and i may have misquoted it a little. but...

*

to balance my first post of the day and refill your positive energy, i direct you to the website of the lovely Ana Toader a.k.a. harlequin. she who is pure light & porcelain teacups. who writes things such as "i've turned as surreal as an umbrella"…
*

http://hiheelsharlequin.wordpress.com/

*

*
float me a porcelain angel with scarlet hair twining vining lacing around my soul. she's a fLower too. but not a silly daisy like me. i sip her like delicate tea & bird wings liFting me

*

ps. "vining" is not really a word..."to vine" / twine / creep / climb. i just like the sound of it...

*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. photographs and edit, mj, 2008

fRuStrated fLoweR

*

*

*

f.r.u.s.t.r.a.t.i.o.n

*

just the other day i wrote about e.n.e.r.g.y (what we send into the universe) & flowers send to kiss sad lovers…yesterday i disregarded all of that. oh, believe me, i tried. i tried to be love. and zen. but some days you just need to blow off steam lest you burst like a silly bubble.

*

so i painted

*

*

*

*

and i wrote

*

*

noT tHis painting
*
i am noT this paiNting
not this messy
uNraveling thing
dripping purple & bLue
aLL over this page
something is gnawing
on the inside of my throat
liquefying me
immobilizing me
eating doesn't help
running doeSn't help
sex
doesN't
heLP
i crave passion
instead i welcome silence into my home
i haTe silence
wHy? do you do this
& why does it cut? so deeP
nO. this is not about you
but it doesn't help either
*
say something…
or fuCk off
*

*
***

*

i will say nothing more about this, except:

• yes. do mind what you send into the universe. but remember we are human. not robot. channel your negative energy into something creative. you'll feel much better.

• i don't hate silence, i just prefer music. silence in itself, is not a bad thing. it can actually be very healing. what i do hate is getting the silent treatment from the people i care about. scream or curse or tell me how i disappointed you, but don't ignore me. i cannot control others choices. but i can choose how i react to it. frustration is probably not the healthy choice.

• and please forgive the cursing. i could edit it out. but that would be a lie.

(C) Copyright & paintings, MJ Calitz 2008

las vegas!

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

click on pics if you wish to enlarge

photographs by david & mj calitz. edits mj, 2008

*

collective flower (send with love)

*

*
*
Oh lover,
never had
had
noT forgotten...
*
eVery night
i sprinkle purple fLowers on your bed,
freshly plucked froM the skY
i leave them for you with a sigH
i wRite poetry on your door
of lovers that never tire
never bite never hurt
of never never neveR leave
but life iSn't this…
oH butterfly on my toNgue,
will you send this message pLease:
a puRple flower from my heaRt
to each who eNtered there
& please make sure
a petal touches each beLoved face
telling them they're nOt alone
& fiLL their souls with warmth…
*
*
(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008. collage & edit MJ '08

unravelling eye

(oil pastels & water colors, 2008)

*

*

this painting does not reflect my current state of mind.

*

one word

*
*
*

*
i have only one word for you today:
fragile
*

*

*

*

photograph of winter trees taken by David Calitz. all other photographs & photo edits MJ Calitz, 2008

paperdolls & daffodils

*

i wonder how she is, my pretty harlequin girl...

*

paint & icing

*

*

enter the dream
you see what i see, feel what i feel

*
*

*

*

i'm painting a wall white. i want a big blank canvas. i paint with giant paint brush &urgency. i reach everywhere, smear my dirty hands on my clothes, paint more. more white. more. i need a bigger canvas...
*
zoom out. what do you see? big empty warehouse. white walls everywhere. & me wearing a blood red wedding dress billowing in the wind smeared with white paint…or cake icing. i lick my fingers, taste blood. my fingers are raw from hours of painting. why do i need such a big canvas? i want to paint. paint what? my mind is blank some days. but my hands want to paint, always. i need more canvas, just in case. in case of what?
*
i paint the floor. i paint the ceiling. i paint my hands. my arms. everything must be white. the dress is too red...this is what i'm thinking. how silly & yet it seems important. zoom in. i rip the dress off. dunk it in a can of paint and begin to wash my naked body with it
*
everything is white now. even me
*
i'm ready to paint the canvas. with color. any color. i look down. there's an open can of paint at my feet. now looking at the floor with me, slowly zoom out. the warehouse floor is covered with open cans of paint. aLL of them white...
*
of course now is when i would normally wake up screaming
*
but what if i never do?

*

*

*

*

paiNt me a blood red dRess sMeared with white paint like cReam cheeSe icing on bLood bitten lip. i paint with kisseS smudging the liNes. i paint liKe me. with wings & curious souL. add a sprinkle of woRds & gLue. so wHat if i doN't paint like picasso, monet oR you. i will paint you a red wedding dRess smeared with painT & icing aNd rip it off iF i waNt to. and you can lick my fingers clean if yOu want to...
*
*

*

*

so. it may not be gallery style...
but it will nEver juSt be white

*

*

(C) Copyright, MJ Calitz, 2008. Collage & edits, 2008

fire fairy

*

sMile me a fAirY

& an oRanGe fLoweR

*

i'm off to the dentist...

*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz. photographs of fairy & orange flowers taken summer 2008. photo edit, today