balance it out

*

he says it's because i'm weak

she says it's because i'm strong

they both say it's because i'm too nice

*

find the balance...

*

*
(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

(painting oilpastels & water colors, photo edited 2008)

holy guacamole

• new favorite movie: martian child
• i painted my kitchen & living room guacamole green

• yesterday i fell off my bicycle going uP a hill. (apparently the bike was in 7th gear...wHot?!?!? i didn't even kNow my bike hAd 7 gears. but more impoRtaNtly, hoW did it geT there?)

shine

('girl in the rain' drawing 1995, photo edit 2008)
*
*

sun is shining outside
shiver this girl inside my tears
lift her head to the sun
& shine shine shine
*
time will eventually eat your silence
one day @ a time
& i
am fine

*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

antique

(picture taken 2008)

*
*

old things shine different in antique malls like bleached white cotton dresses embroidered with proud faded flower glass bottles frosted by time cracked dolls in sunday clothes & frayed hair unpolished silver spoons shiny plastic micky mouse floppy eared books filled with old stories stacked in old leather suitcases that travelled far glass cabinets filled with grandmother jewelry kitchen tables smoothed by generations of chipped flowery china. they think it's trash. i love it all. these old things, they tell stories of lives lived inside the clock of time itself freezing yesterdays in the little things. things we use will one day be sold in antique malls…
*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

fully me

(photograph of flower summer 2008, edited today)

*

*

old demons temporarily came to visit last night…and haunted me for a while. but then i remembered that i’ve already caught them, bottled them and corked them. and i felt sad recognizing steps already learned, but not remembered. and i felt proud of what i’ve done and how far i’ve come
*
today i thank god for blessing me each day with angel kisses full of gentle healing and soul reminders. and though i do not like everything that i have created through the years, i bless them all and i recognize their place at my table, everything that i have done and everyone that has touched my life, even those from who i wanted to run. today i celebrate all of me centered, creative & strong

*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2006

perspective

(picture taken 2008)

*

if something becomes too big, or blocks out your sun...just change the angle.

*

we choose our own realities, how much power we give to others and our reactions when our expectations aren't met. we send negative (or positive) energy back into the universe. we make new choices (or the same ones, if we haven't learnt our lessons yet).

*

choosing your own reality is what life is all about. sometimes we fall or we get cut. action...reaction. & choice...like getting up & moving on. yes, you can.

*

*

learn. grow. live

& be loved
*

paste a flower on my smile

*

i could give this to you all pretty and delicate...like a wish or a butterfly wing...like it all started...

*

OR i could give it to you raw and distorted...like it ended, bleeding all over my fingers. have you ever drawn pictures with crayons or oil pastels, pushing them too hard on the paper so that they break between your fingers and smear all over the page?
*

*

*

black hoLes ate your woRds like paCman running ever shriNking circles in white bOxes staring back at you staring back at mE & i thought it was me…but it nEver was. then, words cut like raZors dipped in lieS poisoning my soul. i bLeed tears. paSte a fLower on my face. i feeL cut open cut uP cut off. "leSs fun," you say. hoW? did it get so uGLy sO fast… how many shoWers does it take to feeL cleaN again? and how many tiMes does a heart have to bReak to learn? from the saMe mistake
*
…but didn't you knOw? broken doLLs can smile too. laugh even. noT because they want to, but because they caN. [faKe it work it cry iNside] and she woN't be smashed trashed inside your wine dreNched breath or shot into your veins eVer again if you cUt her heart out with your knife sTill in her back or your fEar of being trapped or your eX-girlfriend eating your heart for a snaCk. because she reFuses to die agaiN. and she wouLdn't wanna be "less fUn"…
*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

mannequin me

on my trip i started a love affair with mannequins...my camera loves them! found this one on Route 66. i call her
"sexy nurse"

*

(pic taken Sept 2008)

paint me butterflies

(collage, 2008)

*

*

it's 2h25 am. this day was like a magic paintbrush that never stopped, coloring pages with creative energy spilling over after too many days of no "painting" & finally a day to spill over in...

*

*

i painted with poems cemented into photographs of doors & butterflies hanging on ribbons pinned to paper

*

stringed

(oil pastels & water colors, 2008)

*

*

red balloon i send my heaRt to you with stringed kisses stringed cheese stringed thoughts meLting into lips dripping i driNk you like ice tea sand castles blowing sand over my i. eyes blinking sLow. some days the ice even melts & i wonder wHy i wanted to fly. sun is warm. then he trips me aGain. & again. then he loves me daisy petals fLying…he loves me he loves me not yoU love me you love me nOt. how could you? when i'm so here sO uNlovable some days someone else's days. not me. me. aLways me. what else can i do than live in the moment…and sTill i fly…to you. how could i noT? trains & cheese & songs playing in my head. i take pictures for you i write books for you i drink you like thiRsty tea and soFt pillows. sand castles blowing sand in my i…

*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

i'm baCK!

(picture taken at the beach in San Francisco, 2008)

*

*

hello everyone!

i 'm back from my trip and home alone again...yay!

*

wow, what a trip! i saw...the mall of america in minneapolis, mount rushmore, yellowstone, the badlands, the mojave desert (including great basin), san francisco (including alcatraz and the golden gate bridge), LA, hollywood (walk of fame), universal studios, famous beaches like venice's muscle beach, santa monica pier & malibu, back to the desert, through joshua tree, death valley (so hOt!) and the bright lights of las vegas, route 66, the grand canyon and monument valley...we drove through 16 states! don't even ask me how many miles. i took a million pictures too. this one is probably my moSt favorite and yes, that is my handwriting and those are my footprints in the sand...

*

*

it's good to be back...

to all who visit here...

*

tHis bloG will nOt bE uPdaTed for tHe neXt 6 weeKs

*

i'm entertaining guests form south africa & going on a cross country trip all the way to california and back including such beautiful places as the grand canyon and las vegas. hopefully i'll take lots of stunning pictures and share them with you when i get back.

*

iN tHe meaN tiMe, pLeasE feeL fRee to viSit thiS spAce as oFten as yOu waNt and i'll sEe yoU wHen i seE YOu...

*
xoxoxo
mj
*

life's too short

(oil pastels & water colors, 2008)

*

*
i'm falling falling into your heart like a little star finding home...

*

*

watch this movie: garden state

*

new songs in my ear:

bright eyes - first day of my life

regina spector - samson / fidelity / better

damien rice - the blower's daughter

*

fragile

(oil pastels & water colors, 2008)

*

scab

*

*

we run. separately
*
but. every time i hit a milestone. or you hit one. i remember. i remember darkness in the room. i remember dolls & pretty dresses. i remember your clammy fingers. everywhere. shame is a planet far from here. and i am a fairy princess living there. i am not from this world. nor will i ever be. i fly. pie! pie! the king says, bake me a cherry pie with baby cherries. fresh & sweet. sing me a song. weep me a garden. only pink flowers grow there. snow white sheep nuzzle my cheek. i hug them deep. soft & safe. you will never reach me here. i nap under shady trees. i sing
*
*
why?
*
*
why? does it sometimes feel like i'm picking a scab that's already healed. why does it bleed?
*
so you're walking down the aisle again
*
*
*
who cares

*
.
*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

you. i breathe

(poem & dual brush pens, 2008)

*

*

i bReathe the uNcut flowers grOwing in your soul. grow groW she whiSpers drEams. coMe fill my ear. i drink you tHirsty with grins gRowing roots in laUghing wrinkles kiSsed my eyes. your whiMsical heaRt is fertile ground is bEautifully siLLy jokes is sWeet warm tea nourishing my fAiry berry dreams liFting me up up uP. i aM the sUn. sunrays nO greys. just yelloW blooms filling my nose kiSsing both iLashes with petalled fiNger aFternoons. tea? 4for 2two. pOpcorn & winged cocoons. yOu pull me iN you sPin me deep stuCk in favorite cookie trees. leaves rustle my kNees. you plaNt me like an uN cut fLower. yoU. i breathe

*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

not an oil painting

(photo edit with water colors in background, 2008)

*

*

he's not an oil painting
my mother would say
of men who didn't look
like pretty boys
*
i've had oil paintings before
but they just don't fit me
because i guess i'm
a crayon kind of girl
who likes
to get her hands dirty
every so once in a while

*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

sTar

(water colors, oil pastels & ink, 2008)

*

visited

(photo taken & edited, 2008)

*

*

i sensed rather than saw there in the corner a dark angel hanging upside down from the ceiling of my room tea stained wings folded like a cocoon silent screams piercing my soul with electric guitars screeching within eyes the color of ice water stabbing searching my soul. for what? did they think me a threat. little me? why? i could barely fathom the magnitude the expanse of the surface skimmed unconnected morsels weaved inside a web of too much. & for a minute half awake i cringed my fear swallowing me in a sea of hell inside my heart beating like an injured bird inside my hand. & for a second i believed it was real. i saw you too. you felt it in your dreams.
*
and to this day, angel of death or angel of truth or just a half dreamt up vision going "poof." i still don't know. but this i do. after that winter i wasn't so scared anymore

*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

i am a flower too

*

when he was just a boy, he thought...

*

*

i think that's sweet

*

because i wasn't always the pretty flower...

*

*
but i chose to grow roots

& i'm blooming lovely now
*

*

(painting: mj, oilpastels & watercolors, 2008

photograph: me, age 8, i think

card: "blooming lovely" b. downes)

*

***

*

the official "just because i care spur of the moment" card that i could frame from the best roommate ever! (we didn't plan this) love you babe! Stellenbosch, 1996
*

*

thaNk yOu So mucH (!) for aLL the heaRtfelt wisHes & pReseNts 4 my BiRtHdaY, yeSterDay. y'all R 2 sPeciAL 2 me
*
*

heartsong

*
*
they say you should write about what you know
well, here's what i know
me, always wanting to live in a fairytale
and you, always saying it ain't so
and i'm not saying you're wrong
but maybe i don't always want to be strong
maybe i don't want to be strong
*
and i know the earth is round
and i know that my feet belong on the ground
but sometimes i wish i could fly
or be a star up in the sky
because my heart just wants to be loved
oh, my heart just wants to belong
*
they say that one plus one is always two
but sometimes i get three
because with me,
what you get is more than what you see
and i don't always follow the rules
but to myself i will always be true
yes, to my soul i will be true
*
four tattoos and a belly ring
fixing the punctures in my heart
and purple is the color
of my soul, my sky, my skin
so call me a dreamer, a rebel, a poet
because i'll always write 'bout
what's inside my head
and i'll always be true to my heart
*
and i know the earth is round
and i know that my feet belong on the ground
but sometimes i wish i could fly
or be a star up in the sky
because my heart just wants to be loved
oh, my heart just wants to belong
*
…don't always want to be strong
no, my heart just wants to be loved
my heart just wants to belong
*
*
(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2007

starry night...

*
*
sweet dreaMs
littLe one…
doN’t be scared.
daddy’s moon
and
brothers’ sTars
will watch over you
tonight…
*
*
pearLy memories
of innocence buTchered
and dooRs slammed
into shiny faces
of whispered fEars
and buried sinS
of wolves in sHeep’s clothes
and scarecrows
in straWberry fields
of silently growing
and knowingly cringing
of being
and tRying
to survive
*
*
(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2001

giRls juSt waNna hAve fUn

*

(my two nieces, Jeanne-Marie & Gwenda

clowning around. pics taken 2007, edited 2008)

*

shredded daisy

(photo taken 2008)

*
*

like a shredded daisy against a wall of wHy did you's & who could eVer love me again i hide behind porcelain white masks like a harlequin dealing sMiles & maybe she's the dead bloom no one will notice. because if you're dead you don't exist & no one will pay attention if you do it agaiN if you trip yourself & land on diRt in your nose dirt in your mouth & dirt in your soul turning you into leStat in withdrawal crAving a needle full of what exaCtly. blood? i caN't bleed anymore. & you can say aNything aSk anything screaM anything because i've been there before. and i'm still thAt butterfly shredded into a million tears. but she's pasted back together & i did thaT on my oWn

*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

of pOetry & dreaMs & nO it iSn't fair

*

*

whY? do i fall in love with wOrds these clever poets their words like little decadent cHOcolates melting on my tongue i savor so rich & then i woNder about life wrapped in those words like yards of siLk spinning spinning me into delicate wEbs of verse hoW can a woman turn her back on beauty sO sweet melting melting my heaRt i fall into these fondues of inflection resonating with each beat each fiber of my being i come aLive i breathe woRds they feed me touch me deeP
*
***
*
i dream of yOu taking pictures of mE in paris loNdon greece barely wrapped in cReamy white sheets & you your zooming eyes taking private tours of my hiPs [click] my lips [click] london bridge is falling doWn [click] & sunlight daNcing in my hair twisted all around your heaRt like tender tendrils enLacing embRacing you. beware these hotel california dreams i take prisoners nEver let your leave now you are forever taNgled up in me you me you & i don't want to leave tHis dream. this dReaM is aLL it is. it isn't real. i write you ouT of me be fRiends? bE free
*
***
*
no it's nOt fair to you, or yOu, or yoU. no it's not. wHo am i? to be so boLd. so silly. so iNdiscreet. indeed. who? am i. all you did was brEathe & there i go spinning stories of ever aFter around your feet not even walking the same streetS. such maDness. so siCk. am i? or is this juSt me still believing in maybe oNe day…why dO i? why can't i just bE. & not yeaRn for more, for wheN is it my time & why aRen't you that fairytale in my mind? so you see. it iSn't fair. silly…so silly of me.
*
the time is nOw
& there iS no fairytale
*
waKe up, woman
*
BReathe!
*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

skipping pebbles

(pic taken at kelley's island. photo edit, 2008)

*

*

skipping pebbles

with bended knees

making blue ripples

i wish i could freeze

this moment, so serene

*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

bennie of the red pants

(dual brush pen, 2008)

bloom baby!

(oil pastels & water colors, 2008)

(collage, 2008)

smashed angel

(photo edit, 2008)

*

*

...but didn't you know smashed angels like to dance slips slides bare foot over your heart and shoot your soul straight into their veins? because. just because, okay. she can and she will make you wonder if you saw what you think you didn't see and or maybe that was a fairy with red lips hiding in your wounds. it all depends on where you stick the needle and if you throw her a flower with a soul that smells like home...

*

*

(C) Copyright, MJ Calitz, 2008

wish i was...

*

dream me a sailboat

on a lazy day

add a gentle breeze

& i might just stay

*

*

(picture, Kelleys Island, 2008)

days like that

*

*

here is the question
who do you trust?
without a shadow of a doubt
and when push comes to shove
where? do you go
when you've got nowhere to go
who lets you cry?
without pushing for a smile
and who? speaks the truth
when the whole world lies
where do you find calm?
when storms brew in your mind
and when you fall
who? picks you up
with only love in their eyes
*
is it okay? to not always
be okay
*
and who? do you trust
on days like that
*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

circling me

(water colors & dual brush pen, 2008)

*

*
your woRds are whirlwinds
running through my mind
like miniature wiLd horses
on merry go rounds
on rEd bull gives you wings
makes you an angeL, or a kiNg
or a very silly thing that lights uP the dark
and it's all juSt touch & go, blindfolded
with only your voice guiding me home
hoMe where? whEre is there?
& wHo are you? circling above around
insiDe of me & i am standing very still
in the eye of the storm
it's warm in here & i dOn't want to go
but i woNder sometimes if this is real
& sometimes i know
with you i'll aLways run free
yeS. you touch me deep
tHAt is not the question
but it iS why
your words are little whiRLwinds
circling circling iNside of me
*
*
(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

where the garden folk live...

*

*

last week i took hundreds of pictures of flowers, garden folk and bees escaping to a world of blissful frogs stretched out next to ponds and angels under trees, apples and gnomes and dogs resting in peace

*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

kiss & run

*

*

16 rings on a tRee later. mE, palms & knees scraping over a thouSand gritty mountains & woRds sproUting baby feeT juMping all over the therapist chAir in my pEn sinCe then
*

*
she was rAggedy aNn come alive red curls & angelic ivory fiNgers climbing ebony stairs to eVer aFter in my ears her liPs like cRushed watermelon if you gRew up with farm dirt cHoking your barbed wired toNgue like me you'd understand thiRsty i drank from endless wells inside her soul like snOw soothing cooling quenching me she could siLence the lepers screaming witHin simply with the beauty of lowered paprika laSh & silly gRin & i could drown in her freckLe dusted heaven rolled in poRcelain skin, iced with suGared kiss from my lips her tongue tracing my cluMsy teeth wash the grit aWay with soFtness everywhere deflower the fLower while i suck on nippled dReams miLk flowing like hoNey over this scene buT then she juMped off the cliff & fell in puRple prayers hiT &run kiSs& tell. eXorcise! the fiend the fRiend the biG baD woLf made her do it. aura the world black, satan hiding in every stare & phone mother to pray all headaches away. wHo? needs pills. oR friends when she's got dreams of haPpily eVer aFter now
*

*
she's cuRed!
she's sAved!
she's loSt to me…
*

*
i don't know what's happened to her siNce then
i was too busy dRowning in memories, miLked
& shaved head. waSh over me. it was bEautiFuL
*

*

aLL of it
*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008
(the song that made this scar glow: i kissed a girl - katy perry)

if life was a tire swing

(pic taken 2008)

*

*

if life was a tire swing
i would turn round
& round & round
i would stare up at the sky
gnats & butterflies
dancing in my eyes
the sun would come
& play in my hair
the sun would go
shadows would follow
and still i would linger
pondering the meaning
of life & love
marveling
at the wonder of it all
*
if life was a tire swing
i would be the girl
dreaming of true love
i would be the sigh
escaping from her lips
her wildest imagination
the yearning in her heart
i would be the oxygen in her lungs
the breeze through the leaves
whispering "breathe"
i would be the tree
the grass growing at her feet
the ants working down below
i would be her wiggling toes
& the sun kissing her face
& the dress tickling her legs
i would be the rope & the knot
each individual strand
i would be the air
*
if life was a tire swing
i'd be
everything
*
*
(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

gideon

my nephew, gideon. these pics were taken last year just after his 3rd birthday. he dressed himself like this and posed for the camara. (the little rascal!) one of his sisters made the little wire "glasses" for him. he had so much fun with it. (photos edited 2008)

bloody july

(collage with chocolate wrappers, paper

flowers, gold pen & glitter glue, 2008)

*

.

*

this iron cross i bLeed i birth 3 russian dolls each one smaller than the next & nOthing left. wait! go back. what is thiS? a bleeding bLack rosarch rose? bloody mAry? madonna in the headlights? light a candle. light a thousaNd more. i pray. i pay for giant boxes of curse this cotton rocket on a string

*
.

*

3 vials? really? didn't think there was any left. i see stArs. so pretty. so faR…
*
.
*
add 4 years of noT enough, 6 months of tWo much and 2 dark spots on a funnY white blob. X marks the spot. look! it's right there on the screen. but all i see is blood. and stars. the dog was ripped apart & rolled in diRt and anti freeze. little rivers of blood fLow through my soul, my hopes, my heaRt. oh child! where are you? i spew rose petal paths to your heart but all i taste is blood. mirror mirror on the wall…who's the palest of them all? because there's a porcelain white crack running through my smile. what is this rock oildrum'd to my heart? and whose children are these running over my ears poKing needles in my i staring back at me? and mirror mirror, wHy aren't i? sleeping beauty ciNderella @ the ball or little rEd riding hood with cape & white picket fence & one and a half child. oh child…oH half child! & why is it so dark inside this hershey bar? light another candle. add some firefLies
*
.
*
pictures of angelic babies in white halls. so many halls & chairs & yet aNother happy nurse with bears on her shirt
*
.
*
because july juSt swallows me wHole, chews me to a stiCky mess and spits me out in puLp fiction where everything's surreal like cartoonville from a swing and nothiNg fits inside the glass slipper in my lies. this is nOt me. this is what i become eVery july & i fiNally figured out why i'm like a headless butterfly on coKe & mentos fluttering in & out of the fairy the bitch the fAiry the bitch…
*
.
*
paper dreSs
wide spread legs
an army of eyes with poKing sticks
*
.
*
edison winked @ me in the shower. heLLo! of course! it's july agaiN & 4 years of maybe thiS month…or maybe i'm just delirious from all that bLood flushed down the toilet. silly mE
*
.
*
eXcuse the dress uNdress the noT just a pinch the oNe more test and come bAck in 3 weeks
*

.

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

find me

*

you will find me
sitting on the edge
of your heart
trying to recover
(yes, still)
from your luscious words
like ripe summer fruit
bursting from those lips
that heart, you
are
mine
and i,
i try not to drown
your words are sucking vortexes
your words are little life savers
you write. i breathe. i feed
you eat. i spill
all over you
my thighs are blank pages
for you
spread wide & greedy
write me
sing me
sign me
*
no. it doesn't matter
you will always find me
sitting on the edge
of your heart
ready to dive in
swimming
deep

.

*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

thAt sOng!

*

*

songs in MY head:

*

that song in my head - julianne hough

*

angel - natahsa bedingfield

*

untouched - the veronicas

*

*

the "wrap your legs around it" poem

*

*

ghosts swim naked in my veins
and sometimes I get into my car
and fly to tomorrow, my next orgasm, the moon
*
and horses and fishes dream too
*
but in the real world hollywood stars live in slimfit jeans and glass castles of doubt and pretty messiahs live in brick churches while common hookers & religious leaders unwittingly pray to the same god. politicians and medicine giants kill millions a day then gulp down liquid gold in their million dollar mansions to drown their guilt and we blame god for famine while we make some more babies then make some more war and some people have to breathe a thousand years to live for one day and some live in zen gardens of thirst searching for the truth half their lives swimming in a question mark until they are lost or found
*
and horses and fishes dream too
*
but you’ve got the power to wake up
and remember who you really are
*
don’t let lets pretend angels
and almost important fools
whisper conspiracies in your ear

*
don’t pray for the truth in manmade pews
don’t cry secret tears
don’t get lost in cities of hate and fear
*
let your ancient heart beat out his own song
let your voice escape from your throat
and speak your truth bravely
listen with the ears of the truth in your soul,
the feelings in your heart
and the quiet of your mind
trust your wings to take you to that sunset
respect your body
play with children and lovers as it was meant to be
let your inner artist run wild and free
push yourself to your limit, feel your muscles burn
and calm the fock down
let life unfurl, leave the dream, feel the sun on your face
feel a second become a million years
and a million years, a second
believe that every day will save itself
and that angels will be sent to guide you along the way
touch the face of your god frequently and uniquely
open your eyes and your heart
and wrap your legs around life
and live
right now

*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2006

birthday cake & kisses

(oilpastels, water colors & paper flowers, 2008)

*

*

*

to all my friends who's celebrating their birthdays June through August (so many...i wonder why that is *grin*)...hApPY biRtHdaY and many more!

*

*

*

aNd a haPpY 4tH oF juLy, AmeRiCa (fireworks & BBQ)

*

*

on the road

(pics taken 2004, edited 2008)

he catch me

*
*
i cRied abacus tears yesterday fRee falling into my oWn fear and when he caught me he roCked me ever so geNtly in his stare our fingers bArely touching our minds taNgled tangLed tAngled up filling my skirtpOckets with thoughts of iF ever's and finGers dancing tHrough my hair and i breathed bAre feet again for a feW random heaRtbeats wandering through the labyrinTh of my mind sO sticky soMe days i forget wHo i am and he is eVerywhere and nowhEre aLL at oNce i don't need kEtchup i just lie at his shoEs and it's wet everYwHere
*
*
(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008