days like that

*

*

here is the question
who do you trust?
without a shadow of a doubt
and when push comes to shove
where? do you go
when you've got nowhere to go
who lets you cry?
without pushing for a smile
and who? speaks the truth
when the whole world lies
where do you find calm?
when storms brew in your mind
and when you fall
who? picks you up
with only love in their eyes
*
is it okay? to not always
be okay
*
and who? do you trust
on days like that
*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

circling me

(water colors & dual brush pen, 2008)

*

*
your woRds are whirlwinds
running through my mind
like miniature wiLd horses
on merry go rounds
on rEd bull gives you wings
makes you an angeL, or a kiNg
or a very silly thing that lights uP the dark
and it's all juSt touch & go, blindfolded
with only your voice guiding me home
hoMe where? whEre is there?
& wHo are you? circling above around
insiDe of me & i am standing very still
in the eye of the storm
it's warm in here & i dOn't want to go
but i woNder sometimes if this is real
& sometimes i know
with you i'll aLways run free
yeS. you touch me deep
tHAt is not the question
but it iS why
your words are little whiRLwinds
circling circling iNside of me
*
*
(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

where the garden folk live...

*

*

last week i took hundreds of pictures of flowers, garden folk and bees escaping to a world of blissful frogs stretched out next to ponds and angels under trees, apples and gnomes and dogs resting in peace

*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

kiss & run

*

*

16 rings on a tRee later. mE, palms & knees scraping over a thouSand gritty mountains & woRds sproUting baby feeT juMping all over the therapist chAir in my pEn sinCe then
*

*
she was rAggedy aNn come alive red curls & angelic ivory fiNgers climbing ebony stairs to eVer aFter in my ears her liPs like cRushed watermelon if you gRew up with farm dirt cHoking your barbed wired toNgue like me you'd understand thiRsty i drank from endless wells inside her soul like snOw soothing cooling quenching me she could siLence the lepers screaming witHin simply with the beauty of lowered paprika laSh & silly gRin & i could drown in her freckLe dusted heaven rolled in poRcelain skin, iced with suGared kiss from my lips her tongue tracing my cluMsy teeth wash the grit aWay with soFtness everywhere deflower the fLower while i suck on nippled dReams miLk flowing like hoNey over this scene buT then she juMped off the cliff & fell in puRple prayers hiT &run kiSs& tell. eXorcise! the fiend the fRiend the biG baD woLf made her do it. aura the world black, satan hiding in every stare & phone mother to pray all headaches away. wHo? needs pills. oR friends when she's got dreams of haPpily eVer aFter now
*

*
she's cuRed!
she's sAved!
she's loSt to me…
*

*
i don't know what's happened to her siNce then
i was too busy dRowning in memories, miLked
& shaved head. waSh over me. it was bEautiFuL
*

*

aLL of it
*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008
(the song that made this scar glow: i kissed a girl - katy perry)

if life was a tire swing

(pic taken 2008)

*

*

if life was a tire swing
i would turn round
& round & round
i would stare up at the sky
gnats & butterflies
dancing in my eyes
the sun would come
& play in my hair
the sun would go
shadows would follow
and still i would linger
pondering the meaning
of life & love
marveling
at the wonder of it all
*
if life was a tire swing
i would be the girl
dreaming of true love
i would be the sigh
escaping from her lips
her wildest imagination
the yearning in her heart
i would be the oxygen in her lungs
the breeze through the leaves
whispering "breathe"
i would be the tree
the grass growing at her feet
the ants working down below
i would be her wiggling toes
& the sun kissing her face
& the dress tickling her legs
i would be the rope & the knot
each individual strand
i would be the air
*
if life was a tire swing
i'd be
everything
*
*
(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

gideon

my nephew, gideon. these pics were taken last year just after his 3rd birthday. he dressed himself like this and posed for the camara. (the little rascal!) one of his sisters made the little wire "glasses" for him. he had so much fun with it. (photos edited 2008)

bloody july

(collage with chocolate wrappers, paper

flowers, gold pen & glitter glue, 2008)

*

.

*

this iron cross i bLeed i birth 3 russian dolls each one smaller than the next & nOthing left. wait! go back. what is thiS? a bleeding bLack rosarch rose? bloody mAry? madonna in the headlights? light a candle. light a thousaNd more. i pray. i pay for giant boxes of curse this cotton rocket on a string

*
.

*

3 vials? really? didn't think there was any left. i see stArs. so pretty. so faR…
*
.
*
add 4 years of noT enough, 6 months of tWo much and 2 dark spots on a funnY white blob. X marks the spot. look! it's right there on the screen. but all i see is blood. and stars. the dog was ripped apart & rolled in diRt and anti freeze. little rivers of blood fLow through my soul, my hopes, my heaRt. oh child! where are you? i spew rose petal paths to your heart but all i taste is blood. mirror mirror on the wall…who's the palest of them all? because there's a porcelain white crack running through my smile. what is this rock oildrum'd to my heart? and whose children are these running over my ears poKing needles in my i staring back at me? and mirror mirror, wHy aren't i? sleeping beauty ciNderella @ the ball or little rEd riding hood with cape & white picket fence & one and a half child. oh child…oH half child! & why is it so dark inside this hershey bar? light another candle. add some firefLies
*
.
*
pictures of angelic babies in white halls. so many halls & chairs & yet aNother happy nurse with bears on her shirt
*
.
*
because july juSt swallows me wHole, chews me to a stiCky mess and spits me out in puLp fiction where everything's surreal like cartoonville from a swing and nothiNg fits inside the glass slipper in my lies. this is nOt me. this is what i become eVery july & i fiNally figured out why i'm like a headless butterfly on coKe & mentos fluttering in & out of the fairy the bitch the fAiry the bitch…
*
.
*
paper dreSs
wide spread legs
an army of eyes with poKing sticks
*
.
*
edison winked @ me in the shower. heLLo! of course! it's july agaiN & 4 years of maybe thiS month…or maybe i'm just delirious from all that bLood flushed down the toilet. silly mE
*
.
*
eXcuse the dress uNdress the noT just a pinch the oNe more test and come bAck in 3 weeks
*

.

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

find me

*

you will find me
sitting on the edge
of your heart
trying to recover
(yes, still)
from your luscious words
like ripe summer fruit
bursting from those lips
that heart, you
are
mine
and i,
i try not to drown
your words are sucking vortexes
your words are little life savers
you write. i breathe. i feed
you eat. i spill
all over you
my thighs are blank pages
for you
spread wide & greedy
write me
sing me
sign me
*
no. it doesn't matter
you will always find me
sitting on the edge
of your heart
ready to dive in
swimming
deep

.

*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

thAt sOng!

*

*

songs in MY head:

*

that song in my head - julianne hough

*

angel - natahsa bedingfield

*

untouched - the veronicas

*

*

the "wrap your legs around it" poem

*

*

ghosts swim naked in my veins
and sometimes I get into my car
and fly to tomorrow, my next orgasm, the moon
*
and horses and fishes dream too
*
but in the real world hollywood stars live in slimfit jeans and glass castles of doubt and pretty messiahs live in brick churches while common hookers & religious leaders unwittingly pray to the same god. politicians and medicine giants kill millions a day then gulp down liquid gold in their million dollar mansions to drown their guilt and we blame god for famine while we make some more babies then make some more war and some people have to breathe a thousand years to live for one day and some live in zen gardens of thirst searching for the truth half their lives swimming in a question mark until they are lost or found
*
and horses and fishes dream too
*
but you’ve got the power to wake up
and remember who you really are
*
don’t let lets pretend angels
and almost important fools
whisper conspiracies in your ear

*
don’t pray for the truth in manmade pews
don’t cry secret tears
don’t get lost in cities of hate and fear
*
let your ancient heart beat out his own song
let your voice escape from your throat
and speak your truth bravely
listen with the ears of the truth in your soul,
the feelings in your heart
and the quiet of your mind
trust your wings to take you to that sunset
respect your body
play with children and lovers as it was meant to be
let your inner artist run wild and free
push yourself to your limit, feel your muscles burn
and calm the fock down
let life unfurl, leave the dream, feel the sun on your face
feel a second become a million years
and a million years, a second
believe that every day will save itself
and that angels will be sent to guide you along the way
touch the face of your god frequently and uniquely
open your eyes and your heart
and wrap your legs around life
and live
right now

*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2006

birthday cake & kisses

(oilpastels, water colors & paper flowers, 2008)

*

*

*

to all my friends who's celebrating their birthdays June through August (so many...i wonder why that is *grin*)...hApPY biRtHdaY and many more!

*

*

*

aNd a haPpY 4tH oF juLy, AmeRiCa (fireworks & BBQ)

*

*

on the road

(pics taken 2004, edited 2008)

he catch me

*
*
i cRied abacus tears yesterday fRee falling into my oWn fear and when he caught me he roCked me ever so geNtly in his stare our fingers bArely touching our minds taNgled tangLed tAngled up filling my skirtpOckets with thoughts of iF ever's and finGers dancing tHrough my hair and i breathed bAre feet again for a feW random heaRtbeats wandering through the labyrinTh of my mind sO sticky soMe days i forget wHo i am and he is eVerywhere and nowhEre aLL at oNce i don't need kEtchup i just lie at his shoEs and it's wet everYwHere
*
*
(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

like a bubble

(dual brush pen & photo editing, 2008)

*

*

some days i try too hard
& i disappear into my fear
bursting like a bubble
with nowhere to go but in
and sometimes 'in' refuses
to come out
because my pen won't write
what i want it to
and i don't even use big words
so some people will never read
these words
because they aren't twisted enough
but i don't always want to play games
so i run to you
and now i'm crying on your e-mail
about things i've never said before
about what if's and
i miss you so much
& what is this pen writing?
because i'm pretty sure

i never said this

*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

little miss

like a girl

(watercolors, glitterglue, dual

brush pen & embelishments, 2008)

*
*

*
so what if i write like a girl?
*
there ain't no law against silly, right? true. marie antoinette lost her head for love & cake. but this is 2008. white horses don't live here & lips aren't snacks. so i bake a mountain of chocolate chip cookies. i eat them all. this is me. trying not to explode into a thousand tiny pink hearts. instead i blow them to you. one @ a time. and very carefully
*
*
of course you deserve a million hearts. all at once. all the time.
but some days i feel like a child, that's all
*
*
and no, it's not fair to you
*
*
SO,
this is for yOu, baby
a little dance, nAked & care fRee
a thousand love poems, nOt sugarfree
& me. aLL of mE
*
*
for you, I will write like a girl
So wHat?
*
*
(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

fav5 soNgs, noW

*
*
*

how deep is your love - the bird and the bee

freckles - natasha bedingfield

like a star - corinne bailey rae

banana pancakes - jack johnson

i kissed a girl - katy perry

*

jesus, feed me poetry

*
*
def leppard licks my ears
your smile follows
baby, eat my lips
[red lipstick taste so sweet
like cherry pie & poetry]
i fall into the night…
you think that you can hide
behind the ghostly lovers in my mind
…if i wear
black leather boots
knee high. and fishnets
will you recognize my eyes?
or p[r]ay to tour my stretch marks
& tattoos
god help you
coz maybe i'm the whore
sweet jesus, save my soul
with kentucky fried chicken
and multicolored christmas lights
that lure me back. home
.
maybe i'm just a purple balloon
floating over you
don't burst me with your stare
just feed me pie & poetry
*
*
(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2007

green me blue

(oil pastels & watercolors, 2008)

(oil pastels, 2008)

i like me

*

i throw like a girl

i paint like a child

i sing i dance

i dream in

multi color hues

*

huwelik

*
*
ek is skarlaken rooi lus
opgedress in lang swart boots
nerf-af van frustrasie en wag vir jou
*
***
eendag sal ons kinders hê
en ek hoop hulle survive
die skewe brille wat ons dra
en ons fragile liefde vir mekaar
*
***
vertroue is 'n wit stippellyn in die stof
ek probeer op die lyn loop
terwyl jy terloops met jou rug na my gekeer
staan en wag
*
***
ek en jy vlieg hand aan hand die vreemde in
op soek na 'n nuwe avontuur
maar miskien sal ons eers regtig tuiskom
wanneer ons verhuis
*
***
jy is 'n argief van moets en moenies
jy is die warm lyf langs my in die vroeë oggendure
jy is die skoenlapper in my maag
jy is my huis
*
*
(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2005

@ your feet

(dual brush pen, ink & paper flowers, 2008)

*
*
i want to sit @ your feet
invited & childlike
basking in
your ancient moons circling me
my soul growing branches rooted in your lace curtained i
want to crochet red flowers on your tongue
spinning tapestries of long gone lovers rocking boats
floating in your hunger
your desires
your fears
your gears turning around & finding calm waters, aye
i want to eastwestnorthsouth you, centre quilted
while sipping tea on sunny porches
eat graham crackers cream cheesed
& rolled in your cinnamon voice enveloping me
then take a curled nap in your wrinkled hand
*
soaking
soaking
soaking
*
100% authentic earth goddess
i want to sit @ your feet
*
*
(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

cotton candy screams

(oil pastels & photo editing, 2008)

*

*

ella bElla. such a pRetty moon faced bride. previously goTh. iC the croWd. fuse with dreadlOcks, tattoos & veRy stripper shoes. hiPhop the metal. cleavage rUles. &black's the nEw powder bLue. accessorize with puRple toes & purPle shoes & purpLe flowers in city hall pews. mEw the kitty c@t grinning wide. the maid of honor suGars her dues. looK! @ me. cliCk. cliCk. pout. muse. boWtie the bRother. brOther! bubble double toil Or tRouble. rEbel hearts temporarily sTarched in cOwlicked crowNs & kentucky greaSe. waltZ the sister. 2 x 2. daddy siNgs. mommy cookS & cRies, cooKs & crieS. 4 AM her tableclOth sMile. the cake's nOt(!) chocolaTe. mudd my feet (neXt time) & fAiry my cleavage coZ i wiTnessed the wHole daMn thiNg with eyes that sUck you iN &feet doN't laugh @bLeeding bliStered dreams. ballerina shoeS just pirouette in cOtton cAndy sCreams

*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

*

(pS. the poem got a life of its own & became something that does not necessarily reflect the truth...writer's privilege *wink*)

we dance

*
*
KT, Anna & Colbie sing in my ears
hand in hand, we run through fields
of sorrow and of light
until i find a spot on my purple skin
where it's high, but it feels safe
Anna asks, what if we fall, what if we don't
i say, don't worry, heaven's made of cotton wool
KT says, first, you have to like it on the ground
swim deep, Baby. just breathe. breathe deep
Colbie takes me to Capri
pregnant bellies and boys with dreams live there
we count to three. Colbie says, wake up, wake up!
all you have to do is never ever let go…1,2,3
wait! don't burst the bubble, yet
i love it here. look i don't need feet
fly high. fly deep. fly free
we dance on clouds of fluffy pink. and stars
Anna says, let's play truth or dare. drink me
if i get scared, KT says, she'll sing a lullaby for me
coz she's mother earth, the universe & me
swim deep, Baby. just breathe. breathe deep
KT, Anna, Colbie & me
we dance. we feel. we fall. we breathe
baby baby, just breathe free
*
*
(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2007

3 dads

pics of my 3 dads, for fathersday...

*

(biological dad, died when i was six. the heart with wings is a tattoo on my back, which i designed in honor of my dad. gypsy @ heart.)

*

(father in law. oh, to own a Harley...)

*

(stepdad, who raised me)

biological

ODYSSEY (or: Gypsy girl)
*
the curse of the wandering spirit

is woven into the fabric of my soul

periodically calling my nervous system

to uproot and go where ever the wind takes me

which is: away from here

(always away from here)

i inherited this curse from my father

(they did not tell me this. but i know.)

it was imprinted in my dna

before i even existed

he struggled with his inner demons

until he could no longer fight

then he would disappear for days

just to start this war again when he returned

and eventuallyhe crashed into his own nomadic heart

asking, why god?

he is no more. but i am.

and his wanderlust is infused into my blood

running wild in my veins like a gypsy queen

chasing answers she will never find

searching the earth for asylum

knowing that no place will ever satisfy her desire

to dance under new and exotic stars

because the sky will always be the same sky

no matter where you go

and people will never change

no matter how hard they try

my father crashed not able to contain his anxiety

and some nights i lie in bed

holding my breath

until the migrating birds in my head fly on

without me

wondering if i will crash too

if i let myself go with them one day

*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2007

like a cat

(collage, 2008)

*
*
like a cat curled
inside giant ugg boots
is how i feel with you
i'm walking bare feet
inside your heart
and there is softness
everywhere
because it's never been so simple
never so playful, never so pure
never
so easy
you scratch my belly. &i
unravel like a ball of string
i play with your shoe laces
i purr for you
you're like my favorite chair
on a sunny porch
heart, you are
the sun on my freckled face
and i feel
so comfortable
with you
*
*
(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

l.o.v.e.m.e.

l.ov.e.m.e

r.e.a.d.m.e
k.i.s.s.m.e
h.u.g.m.e
s.e.e.m.e

.

soap & tears

*

*

water raining down from my showerhead
dilutes warm tears escaping from within
and i wish that i could melt
and disappear down the drain
so the next time you’re thirsty and you open a tap
maybe you’ll drink me, no preservatives added
and maybe i’ll go straight to your heart
because i just want to be held right now
but i’ll probably get tangled in expectation, too much frustration
like the hair clogging my drain and the cobwebs smothering my brain
or maybe i’ll evaporate and condensate on another planet
because i hate this world…this life…this me
and i’m so tired of constantly trying to keep my head above water
please hear my s.o.s. or shut up! and leave me alone
because i’m bleeding out
and i need all my strength to survive
and i run so fast from a to be each day
that i forgot to pray
and now “perfect” is draining my energy
and my oxygen supply’s dangerously low
can’t breathe.
just breathe.
c.a.n.’t
…what if i was a fish and could breathe through gills
but i’m not and soap burns when it gets in your eyes
and i wonder if i would get rich
if i sold prayer in a soap that smelled like hope
but prayers can’t be touched
and soldiers ain’t lovers
so i send the dream down the drain
(instead of me)
i’m taking back my soul today
because it doesn’t belong to any man, virtual or real
or to anything depleting my strength
and certainly to no number eating up my smile
*
and “expectation” is an 11 letter word
that doesn’t belong in this poem anymore
*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2007

fairy me

*
she's a fairy on my back
with shiny purple hair
and delicate green wings
underneath a rose bush
and a full moon...
she's me burying my innocence
in a grave of silent shame
no witnesses. just pain
she's the symbol of
dark times laced with fear
of hiding in a grave
so many lost years
she's the eulogy of the child in me
the mother of my grief. be free
she's beauty and grace
courage without a face
she's the fairy on my back
she's me

*

*
(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2007

little poem

*

buddah & jesus

they dance a slow tanga

they speak poetry

they weep

the world is sad & bleak

the world is awesome

the world is sick

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

things i love

*

pictures taken 2008

in your hands

(pen, 1995)

*

*

303 poems
i send to you
like newborn ducklings
falling over their clumsy feet for your attention
like little darling oafs
send into the world. away from me
and i feel so vulnerable
*
34 years worth of living
i send to you
like pieces of me. ripped from my heart
and in your hands i lay my love, my hate
my happy, my sad
my pain, my shame, my holy, my crazy
and in your hands i lay my soul
*
15 years of writing
i send to you
for your evaluation, your approval, your inspiration
and maybe a brand new song
(or 303) will be born
to fly straight through other people's ears to their hearts
or maybe you'll throw it all away
*
and you could love it
or your could hate it
you could totally relate
or violently disapprove
but i know i'll make you sit back in shock at least once
and maybe make you read some pieces twice
because my voice is bigger than me
*
and I feel so vulnerable
because I delivered my art and my soul to you
and maybe you'll throw it away
because my voice is too soft, too crazy, too big
*
or maybe you'll write a song
(or 303)
to fly straight to the heart of the world

*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2007

apple tree

*
*
i stole a weeping apple tree
from the garden of my heart
.
and planted it in yours
*
*
(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2006
*
***
*
not just a tree
*
saw you again today
your face looked thin
you said you just dropped in
because you missed me (!)
i said, "doN't lie, baby
coz i'm juSt an apple tree"
and we said some more
but we didn't say a thing
and i thought that i would die
but it was really okay
because in my soul i kNew
that i was mOre than that one tree
that i stole from my own heart
to plant in yours. the one that neveR grew
and i was sad. and i was glad
because i should have known better
but today is a neW dAy
yesterday's gone. and Life…
well, LiFe gOes oN
Baby, babY
and i'm rEally
oKay
.
*
*
(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2007

life is not

*

“If I could have the whole world
I’ll have only you” - Nianel, 'if i could' –

*
*
LIFE IS NOT
*
if i could control time
i would fast forward to the part
where the girl kisses the hero
and we’d walk away into the sunset
hand in hand
*
if i could manipulate space
i would fly over oceans and mountains
until i found myself in the warmth of your stare
and i’d be content simply to know
that i was there
*
and if i could alter the universe
i would make you mine. i would
hold you in my arms and softly kiss your neck
and i wouldn’t let you go
not now or ever
*
but time has a way of flying

when you want it to stop
and freezing

when you can’t wait for it to pass
like an old man teasing you
with the carrot of your hearts desire
space is neither here nor there
and life IS NOT a fairytale
because all we have is here and now
and there is no consolation prize
hidden in tomorrow
*

*

(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2007

i paint him not

(water colors, collage & photo edit 2008)

*

*

i paint him a god with white hoRse. a porche. a pretty pretty face. i paint him brave. i paint him zeN. i paint him wings & sO no strings. i rescue him. i paint a boat a plane a sTar. we fly the breeze. kiss air. play he loves mE he loves me nOt. imaginary petals dressing wounds. he rose'd my world. no thorns. just soFt & pink and honey licking bees. freeze! dOn't sneeze. doN't shake the bottle. don'T rattle the snake. dress him in white wool & gooFy grin. dress him in poetrees growing wings fLowing from his tongue like marmalade rain on thirSty soul. root this smiLe. i paint him on my heaRt. happy. eVer? after. sweet talker. sleeP walker. snow white ate that apple. he kissed me hAppy. doN't disturb. i paint with hunger, fever, lies. butterFLies. dance on highs. swims deep doWns. fish & stars, bAby. crabs & shaRks circle circle hover pOUnce. my, what sharp teeth you got. what silly claws. & what stern teacher's sTare. it's so sad it's funny. who's laughing? nOt me. i paint a blank page. i paint a shady tRee and a poem and the number 3

*

long run. song. 1 step c'mon, 2 steps c'mon, 3 steps c'mon…

*

(dead bird)

*

sweat driPs on page

*

(flat line)

*

i paint him not

i paint juSt me

*

(heart beat returns)

zigzag this w3rd

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2008

eat some more

your hunger for perfection eats me up inside as i yearn for your unconditional love me as i am but once again you flip me inside out and devour me as i eat some more of your criticism sated to the brim yet starving for your love

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(C) Copyright MJ Calitz, 2000

color me happy

(oil pastels, 2008)

(water colors, 2008)

(color
pencils,
1995)